Quintessentially Q (Monsters in the Dark #2)(89)

“We need to talk, Tess. About so much.” I moved closer, reaching out to take her hand. “Can you please tell me what happened?”

She stiffened before I even touched her. My hand dropped, not bothering anymore. “I ripped out his heart for you. Just like you asked. I travelled around the world searching. I paid more bribes, tortured more people, and killed enough to land me in hell for an eternity. But I didn’t care, because all I thought about was having you back in my arms.” I looked down at my arms, finally realizing that they’d forever be empty of her.

“You’re telling the truth. Aren’t you?”

She cocked her chin, her entire demeanour cold. “Yes. I’ll never go back. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

The woman I f*cking loved was gone. My spine tingled with heavy regret. I could hit her. Cajole her. Bribe or beg, and it wouldn’t make any difference.

I nodded, swallowing past the ball of sadness in my throat.

I couldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t let her kill me inch by inch.

I slammed the door and left.





Choose me, use me, you will never lose me…



Another week passed.

Seven long days while I lived in limbo. The laptop was never far, and the soft ping of an incoming message gave me something to do. I lived via the internet world. Looking at jokes, funny videos, love scenes, drama episodes. I watched everything I could, waiting for some sort of reaction other than emptiness.

But nothing triggered a response.

I was sick of this bedroom. Sick of feeling nothing. My body was stronger. The coughing had subsided and I wanted to leave.

I needed to move. I didn’t want to witness how Q hurt. This was his bedroom and all I’d done was sully it with sickness and bad memories. It was time to remove myself from his life so he could begin the journey of forgetting me.

Cracking open the laptop, I read Brax’s message.



From: Brax Cliffingstone

Time: 2:25 p.m.

To: Tess Snow

Hi! Thought I’d touch base and make sure things are okay? Haven’t heard back from you so I’m hoping you’re still alive. (bad joke) Anywho… Bianca and I have officially started going out and I want you to be as happy as me, so let’s get this show on the road. What do you need? Anything? Do you need some Aussie stuff sent over? I’m sure the French food has got to be crap after our award-winning pies.

Message me back.

Brax



I sighed. How much I wanted to laugh. To be a human again, but to share in happiness I had to let the guilt rip me apart. I just couldn’t do it.

I existed in a rigid coldness. And for now, that was the way it had to be. Maybe forever.



Me: I do miss marmite, I admit.

Brax: Eww, gross. That stuff is nasty. Vegemite rules.

Me: Yuck.



How could I joke and pretend to be normal when I felt zero?



Brax: So…how you feeling?

Me: Okay.

Brax: Just okay?

Me: Still empty.

Brax: What would it take to make you whole again?

Me: That’s the problem. I don’t think it’s fixable.

Brax: That doesn’t sound like the Tessie I know.

Me: You never really knew me, Brax.

Me: I’m sorry. That was harsh.

Brax: No, I get it. I didn’t. Not really. But only because you never talked to me. You sprang it on me and I acted like an ass.

Me: It was my fault. I never knew what I wanted.

Brax: And now you do. You want that man that you ran half-way across the world to see.

Me: I used to.

Brax: You will again.



I stopped typing, waiting for an unfurling of hope that Brax was right. That this cold emptiness would soon be filled with light and love again, but nothing happened. I looked around Q’s bedroom and suddenly the need to leave was overwhelming.

I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t be this invalid any longer.



Me: If I said I was coming back to Australia. What would you say?

Brax: I’d say you always had a place to sleep and Bianca and I will help you with whatever you need.



I smiled. I had no intention of gate-crashing their new romance. No one wanted an ex-girlfriend sleeping on the couch. I’d go somewhere else. It didn’t matter where. I didn’t care.

Suzette appeared, coming toward the bed. She carried a plate with a smoked salmon bagel and some iced tea. “Lunch. I hope you’re hungry.” Her eyes fell to the blinking message from Brax. She froze, skimming the text.

She shook her head, giving me a heart-stopping look of betrayal. “You’re giving up so easily?”

“It’s not what you think, Suzette.”

She slammed the plate on the bed. “What do you mean it’s not what I think? It’s in black and white.” She tapped the screen with an angry finger. “You’re thinking of leaving! After everything. After everything, Tess. You’re just going to leave!” She breathed hard, visibly bringing her sharp temper under control. “I get it. I really do. It took me years to get over what happened and I know you need more time. But you need to stay around people who love you.”

I hung my head. “Time won’t help. Something’s happened to me. I’ll never be free unless I let myself suffer what I’ve done. And if I let myself suffer, I won’t survive the memories. If you knew what I did, Suzette…” My voice dwindled and for the first time in days the crush of guilt managed to penetrate my tower.