Quintessentially Q (Monsters in the Dark #2)(103)

Of course, I f*cking knew what I was saying. I was going against every little cell in my body. I was going against nature. I was shooting the beast inside me with a shotgun and handing over my balls. Ignoring every instinct. Every desire I’d ever had.

“I know exactly what I’m offering, esclave. Take it. Before I change my mind.” Before I run away screaming like a little girl.

Before I lose you.

Before I lose myself.

“It’s not that simple. Even if I do hurt you it won’t make a difference, Q. There’s no point putting yourself through something you’ll hate.”

“There is a point if it brings you back. I’m not leaving until we get this over with. I don’t make this offer lightly. I don’t expect you to turn me down. You owe me.”

She coughed. “I owe you?”

“Yes.” I nodded hard. “And I’ll tell you why. Whatever you lived through was terrible, awful and hellish, I know that, and I know you don’t want to talk about it—that’s why I don’t push. But try and think what it was like for me. You were stolen from my office! My care and protection. You were taken away from me for seventeen f*cking days. Every lead I chased was a dead-end, every hope, a f*cking tease.” I hit myself violently in the solar plexus, reliving that horror, the panic at not finding her. “Don’t you think all of this is hard on me, too? You owe me, so hurt me. Make me suffer because I wasn’t able to save you.”

My chest heaved and the truth burst free. “It’s all my f*cking fault. All of it. The building contracts. The saving of slaves. The fact I thought I was invincible. I never thought to think of enemies and anything happening to you. I was a selfish f*cking moron.”

I had to stop and swallow around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s all my fault you’re like this. So if I order you to make me suffer, it’s the least you can do. Libère moi de ma douleur, Tess.” Free me of my pain.

I cupped her cheek, drowning in her eyes. “I asked you once to give me your pain as my pleasure. This time take my pain as your pleasure.”

It was a night of firsts and I dropped to my knees, bowing my head against her thighs. “Please, esclave. Don’t make me keep asking. I don’t have the strength.” It felt awkward and horrid being in a position of submission, but at the same time, so right and perfect. The two emotions tangled, making me quiver with anxiety.

I didn’t move. It was up to Tess now.

It felt like a full year before Tess shifted. Her gentle hand landed on my head. She threaded her fingers through my hair, soothing the never leaving headache, making me groan.

Was I making this worse by forcing her? Causing more damage to her already strained mind?

“I can’t, Q.”

I looked up, locking eyes. “You can. And you will.”

She tried to untangle herself from my grip, but I tightened, not letting her go. “You’re letting the bastards win, esclave. Do you want that? Do you want them to rule your life?” I stood, never letting go of her. “Where’s the fight I’m so used to? The Tess I knew, the esclave I fell for, wouldn’t lie down and not fight to the death.”

The seconds ticked past and doubt shaded her face. She bit her lip, looking anywhere but me. I was sure she’d disagree again, and thoughts ran riot on how I could force her to hurt me. I didn’t know what it would mean if this failed.

Finally, her eyes settled on mine; she whispered, “Are you sure?” Such caring, such gentleness shone from her face, that even though there was nothing else there—no soul or deep emotion—I took happiness from hope.

This would work. It had to.

I stood, bending to press one soft kiss on her lips. “I’m sure. Je suis à toi, tout à toi.” I’m yours. All yours.

Her chest rose and she nodded. “Okay.”

I didn’t waste another moment. Grabbing her hand, I led her across the room.

She stood where I positioned her by the bed while I went to the cupboard. This room had a history. A history I would rather not think about, but it came stocked with apparatus and things required.

Opening the doors of the cupboard, I stopped short, panic running down my spine.

I was about to do something that would cripple me. I wanted to wipe this day free from my mind once it was over. I would destroy this room and everything in it so I never had to remember.

With nerves lodged in my throat, I pulled out ropes, cuffs, bondage of all types.

Tess watched remotely as I piled my arms full of things and headed back to the bed. Placing them on the towel at the foot of the four poster, I looked at Tess. “Tie me up.”

I never thought I’d ever say those words. But I needed her to bind me. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this if she didn’t. I’d run like a f*cking coward, or lash out and hurt her.

She picked up the leather cuffs, the buckles clinking. “Where?”

Trying to curb the terror and anger and so many f*cking things, I forced myself to sit on the mattress and lie down.

My heart was a f*cking crazy thing going a billion miles an hour; I couldn’t look at Tess. I couldn’t look anywhere but at the large canopy above my head. The four posters were sturdy—half a f*cking tree sturdy—once she bound me, I wouldn’t be able to get free.

My stomach rolled and I swore I would be sick. Shit. Oh, shit. What the f*ck am I doing?