Never Giving Up (Never #3)(68)
“When our relationship became physical, I spent many nights wondering what the catch was. The other shoe had to drop at some point, right? Things were too perfect.”
Porter shuffled on his feet, obviously uncomfortable listening to Brittany talk about her sex life. “I’m going to take a walk,” he said gently.
“No, I’m really sorry Porter, but it’s important that you stay.”
He looked at me with wide eyes, silently begging for me to rescue him. I shook my head slightly and motioned for him to stay.
“His name was Bobby and he was wonderful. We dated for over six months before we slept together. He travelled frequently for his job so when we could see each other it wasn’t usually for a long period of time and he was always coming and going. In all that time he never once pressured me. He was so patient and kind. And when we finally did sleep together, it was wonderful. I felt like he really loved me.”
She began to fully cry and I handed her the small box of Kleenex from the end table.
“I’m sorry. I’ve never told anyone this before.”
“Brittany, it’s ok. Take your time. We’re not going anywhere.”
She took a few steadying breaths and then trudged forward.
“When he asked me to let him take pictures of me naked, it caught me off guard, but I didn’t say no right away.” She shrugged and then shook her head, obviously having an argument with herself in her mind. It seemed as though she’s had this discussion with herself a few times. “Lots of people let their boyfriends take pictures of them, right? My first instinct was to say no, because, well, it’s a naked picture. But I didn’t want him to be angry with me and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to want me.”
At that point I stood and brought the baby to Porter and then returned to Brittany, placing my hand on her, trying to convey that I wasn’t judging her. She was neither the first or last young woman to let her boyfriend take naked pictures of them.
“I eventually let him take the photos and I won’t lie, part of me liked how much he seemed to enjoy them. After a few weeks I had grown accustomed to him taking the pictures of me, but when he then asked to take pictures of us during sex, I was surprised.”
Porter was visibly uncomfortable with what he was hearing and he turned his back to us, trying to give her as much privacy as possible. I could feel the tension coming from him.
“He was really persistent and had strong arguments. He kept asking what the difference was between naked pictures and sex pictures? If I trusted him with one I shouldn’t be bothered by the other.” She cried still, her words chopped up by sobs and sniffles. “I couldn’t answer him,” she said with a twinge of panic. “I’d already let him violate me, what was the difference?” She shook her head and I squeezed her hand, hurting for her, wanting to tell her that it was wrong of him to put her in that position.
“When I finally relented, he seemed so pleased with me. The pictures, to me, were disgusting. I didn’t like looking at them, but he seemed to like taking them. I always asked him to erase them and sometimes he would, but I knew sometimes he kept them.”
She was quiet for a few moments. Then she seemed to gain some strength and continued.
“He became more demanding and even though I wasn’t happy anymore, I thought perhaps if I did everything he asked he would become the man I had originally fallen for. If I could just make him happy . . .” She trailed off and my heart broke for her. I started thinking back to the first year when she worked at Poppy with me and I couldn’t think of any time when I noticed she had been unhappy. Could she have been going through something this traumatizing without me having even noticed that something was wrong?
“The first time he ever took a video of us having sex, he said it was an accident.”
Her words were cold and removed and my heart broke in half for her.
“He said he had been trying to take a picture, but it had been on video by mistake. Immediately, I panicked. I grabbed for his phone and tried to make him erase it and he backhanded me. In that moment I knew the first Bobby I met, the man who cared for me and was sweet and kind was never coming back. He said that the video wasn’t a big deal and that he already had pictures, so what was I so upset about?” She looked at me like I might have an answer for her, but I was in shock and couldn’t help but feel disgusted for her, terrified for her. “This went on for a few more weeks. He would make me have sex with him, lording the video over me, threatening to post it on the internet, email it to my parents, basically anything he could think of to hurt me, he used it against me.”
Brittany raised her eyes to mine and a new sadness had taken over, remorse and regret filled her to the brim and I ached for her. “I’ll never forget the first time Bobby walked into Poppy. I panicked because he’d never come into my work before and I was afraid he was there to out me, to show my employer these disgusting videos and photos I’d let him take of me. And you can imagine my horror when you walked right up to him, kissed him on the cheek, and called him Kyle.”
My brain started piecing things together, started connecting all the dots she’d so bravely laid out for me.
“What?” I whispered.
“Yeah,” she said, so nonchalantly, wiping tears from her eyes. “I had been sleeping with your boyfriend. Not just sleeping with him though, making sex videos with him. I was shattered. I was completely disgusted with myself.”