Never Giving Up (Never #3)(64)
“No, not directly into it, we just thread it through until it is just above it.”
“Can it get into her heart? That sounds dangerous.”
“There’s a very small probability of that happening, especially since she’s a small and basically immobile child. Usually with older children we see problems with the line getting pulled out, by siblings or during play, but since she’s just a baby, the risk is really low.”
“Why has the duration of her stay changed so drastically? I thought we’d be here for weeks.”
“We take the care of our patients very seriously, and our staff is trained to recognize parents who are capable and parents who need help. The nursing staff here has been really impressed with your attentiveness to Mattie, and if we didn’t think you were capable of handling her care at home, I wouldn’t even be having this conversation with you. That being said,” she paused and gave me a small smile, “if you feel overwhelmed and would like for her to stay here while she completes the next two weeks of antibiotics, that’s fine too. I don’t want to send you home to fail at this, I want everyone to be happy and healthy. But think about it.”
“When would this all happen?”
“Well, I’d like to get a PICC line in her regardless of whether you stay or go. So, if you agree, that could happen in the next few days. And as soon as the PICC line is in, I would feel comfortable releasing her.”
My heart stuttered a little at her words. We could go home? I could take her home with me and we could just go back to being the little family I had spent nine months imagining?
“This is just one option, Mrs. Masters. Do not feel like you have to go this route.”
“I need to talk to my husband about it.”
“Of course. Talk about it with him, think about everything I’ve told you, and feel free to ask questions if they should arise.” She paused for just a moment and smiled at me, her cheeks becoming pink and round under her eyes. “Regardless, Mattie is going to be just fine and if nothing else, that’s something to celebrate.”
Mattie is going to be just fine.
I’d never felt the physical release of tension in my body like I did in that moment. I sighed in relief and felt my shoulders sag with the weight being lifted off of them. My hand came to the base of my throat, resting on the part of my chest where my heart was beating rapidly beneath my skin, tears prickling in my eyes. My baby was going to be ok.
“Thank you, Dr. Edwards. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us so much. You have no idea.”
“Well, you’re welcome and I’m just glad to see this sweet girl leave here happy and healthy. Think about what we discussed and let me know. And still, just as a precaution, I am going to order her an echocardiogram today. I haven’t heard the murmur in a day or two, so it might have just been something related to the infection, but I want to be sure.”
“Of course. That’s pretty straight forward right? Just like a sonogram?”
“Yes. They’ll come down to you and she’ll probably sleep through it,” she said with another smile. “I’ll let you know as soon as we get the results.”
“Thank you.”
Dr. Edwards left and I slumped down onto the stiff chair next to Mattie’s crib, still trying to take all the information I’d been given.
Mattie.
Home.
Healthy.
It was a reality we’d been losing a grasp on for the last week and now it was back. Our girl could go home. I grabbed my phone and sent Porter a text.
When are you planning on coming to the hospital?
I’m on my way in just a few minutes. Need me to bring you anything in particular?
No. I just want you.
Good, cause I’m on my way.
I smiled to myself, thinking about the look on Porter’s face when I got the chance to tell him the good news. My smile only lasted a few minutes until my mother showed up with Megan. I excitedly explained to both of them what Dr. Edwards had told me, that there was a way for me to take care of Mattie in the comfort of our own home.
Immediately I saw my mother’s face contort into a look of fright.
“What is it, Mom?”
“Don’t you think it would be safer for Mattie to stay here? Where the doctors are?”
I didn’t answer her right away, because I couldn’t quite nail down my reaction. Not only was I angry that my mother was questioning my ability to take care of my own child, I was also hurt that she didn’t think I was capable. Megan, smartly, remained quiet in the corner, not interjecting with her opinion at all. I walked over to Mattie, picking her up, seeking the calming effect holding her usually had over me. I knew she could feel my tensions, so I forced myself to relax.
“I don’t think they would let me take her home if it were dangerous.” I tried not to let my words bite, but they came out sounding harsh and jagged.
“Well,” my mother said with a huff. “I don’t think I would trust myself to take a sick baby home. What if something went wrong? A catheter? Right next to her heart? Ella, that sounds dangerous.”
Although the anger flared, suddenly I was overcome with insecurities. Was I putting my comfort above my baby’s health? Did I want out of this hospital so desperately that I would risk my child’s health to escape? Could taking her home harm her, and if so, how would I handle that? The high I felt from the doctor’s words was hastily and hurriedly ripped out from under me, only to be replaced with a brand new low of self-doubt.