Never Giving Up (Never #3)(61)
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with everything, pushed over the edge by the polarity of the moments I was getting versus the moments I was promised.
“I can’t lose her, Porter. I just can’t.”
“Shhh.” He said, pulling my head down to rest on his shoulder. “We’re not going to lose her, Baby. Like you said, we’re going to fight with her and for her. She’s going to get through this.”
“How can you be so sure?”
He didn’t answer me; he just kissed my forehead and kept us close to him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t answer my question, because I knew what he was thinking—It was the same answer I had running through my head all day.
She would get through this simply because she had to, because without her we both would simply fall to pieces.
The next twenty-four hours were filled with tension and aggravation. We woke up to find that Mattie’s I.V. had come out, something that apparently happened with children a lot. I was, again, faced with watching people in white lab coats poke and prod her tiny hands and arms trying to find a vein. During the ordeal, our nurse came into the room and saw me crying into Porter’s chest while Mattie lay crying in her crib.
“Hello, Ladies,” our nurse, whose name tag read Melody, said to the lab assistants torturing my baby. “I think Wendy is on shift right now. Why don’t I have her try?” Melody efficiently shooed the white-coated women out of the room and then wrapped Mattie back up in her blanket, picking her up. “Would you like to come with me?” She asked, looking at me.
“Where are you taking her?”
“We’ve got a nurse on the floor who use to work in the NICU. She’s really good at finding tiny veins. She would be much better at this than the vascular access people. They don’t often get to work on such small patients.”
I nodded and wiped my tears, following her down the hallway. She found the nurse she was looking for and I followed them into a room that looked like it was used for storage more than anything else, but it had a bed in it and a very bright light. They chatted amongst themselves and I stood near Mattie’s head, trying to just be there. I steeled myself, getting ready for more heartbreak as Wendy went near my baby. She spent what felt like forever inspecting Mattie’s arms, something the other white-coated women had never done.
“I think the left arm is the best bet,” Wendy said, getting out the needle. I cringed as she went for Mattie, waiting for the crying to start, but I watched as she got it in with one poke and Mattie never made a peep. My eyes shot up to Wendy and Melody, shock filling them.
“I told you she was good,” Melody said with a smile.
“I never want the people in the white coats to come near her again,” I said, sounding more forceful than I had intended. It wasn’t a request; it was a demand. Melody just smiled brightly at me.
“Not a problem,” she said as she wrapped Mattie back up, placing her in my arms. “Let’s get back to her room so we can get some more meds in her.” As we walked back, I learned that Melody was a nursing student in her final year of nursing school.
For the rest of the day Melody was around, checking up on us and taking care of Mattie. Every time she came into the room, she was smiling and something about her made me feel better about our situation. She was so sweet to Mattie and that went a long way with me.
As the day wore on, Mattie napped and Porter and I wound up sharing the God-awful bench in the room, both trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable.
“I hate to say this,” I sighed as I sat up, “but maybe you should go home and get some sleep.” As much as I wanted him here with me, we needed to be realistic about this room. “We can’t both sleep here tonight.”
“How about we take shifts? I’ll stay here tonight and tomorrow we can trade.”
I looked over at him and I’m sure I had a wicked look on my face. “I’m not going anywhere, Porter.”
“Babe, you have to go home at some point.”
I couldn’t help the immediate rage that came over me. “Porter, I’m not leaving this hospital unless Mattie is leaving with me. What makes you think I’d leave her here all alone?”
“She wouldn’t be alone. I’d be here with her. If you stay here, you’ll go crazy, locked in this room,” he paused, carefully choosing his next words. “It’s ok to leave her, Ella. It doesn’t make you a bad mom if you need a break.”
I stood up and walked across the room, needing some distance from him in that moment.
“She’s three weeks old, Porter. Three weeks old. That’s it. If I were at home with her, you wouldn’t be asking me to leave her with you while I went to the grocery store. Where she goes, I go. I’m not leaving her.”
I saw the moment understanding came over him, and I watched as regret washed over his face, softening his features. He sat up, his elbows resting on his knees, face in hands, with his brow furrowed as his thoughts, clearly written across his face, worked their way through his mind. As soon as I knew he understood where I was coming from, the anger seeped from me and I let it go. He wasn’t trying to hurt me or force me to leave. He was just worried about me.
“I can handle this.” I said softly, moving closer into him, letting my hand come to the back of his neck. I felt his hands cup the sides of my thighs as I stood in front of him. “This is supposed to be the time in our lives when we’re connected all the time. I’m supposed to be with her twenty-four-seven. Just because it’s inconvenient, and we happen to be in a hospital, it doesn’t make me less of a mom. I’ll be with her, here, until they release her.”