Never Giving Up (Never #3)(70)
“He seemed so normal . . .”
“Yeah, well, if all the crazy douchebags of the world would wear neon flashing signs around their necks warning us all, the world would be a better place.”
I had to laugh at the image of Kyle with a sign hanging from his neck flashing the words “Deranged Psychopath.” I let out a sigh, finding that all the day’s events were finally catching up and finding me exhausted.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do tomorrow?” His voice was light and concerned all at the same time. I could feel his need to protect me as a physical force, his need to keep me safe wafting over me. I nodded and met his eyes.
“I’m going to go to the trial.”
He nodded, silently, then ventured another question.
“And you trust your mom enough to leave Mattie here with her?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know if I trust my mom, or sister, or Kalli, or anyone enough to be here with Mattie without me. But it doesn’t matter, because the only other person on the planet I’d leave her with is going to be here with her—you.”
His eyes grew wide in surprise and he took a few steps towards me. I kept my face still, not letting my feelings show as he moved closer to me. I’d seen Porter get worked up quite a few times since we’d been together, and I knew he would never hurt me, but this was fury I’d never seen Porter direct at me before.
“You’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you testify tomorrow, even be in the same room as that poor excuse for a man, without me.” His finger was pointed angrily at me, his voice was firm and furious, and his eyes were wild. He was really scared. And I knew he would be. This was exactly the reaction I was expecting from him. Even though I knew he was furious, it made me smile.
“Porter, the only place I need you tomorrow, is here, with our baby.” I stood up and walked to him, taking his hand in mine and wrapping his arms around my waist. “I have no doubt that I can testify tomorrow, on my own, just fine. And I would love it if you could be there with me, holding my hand, and offering me sweet words of comfort, just like I know you would. But I need to know that Mattie isn’t alone, isn’t sensing that we’re both gone and wondering where we’ve went. That would hurt me more than anything. So you need to stay here. Can you do that for me?”
He grunted.
“The idea that he’ll have his eyes on you, that he’ll even be breathing in the same room as you makes my skin crawl, Ella. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle knowing you’re there without me.”
“We’ve been dealt some pretty shitty cards, Babe. Trust me, I’d be the first to tell anyone that when it comes to us, our relationship, and our lives, we’ve fought more battles than I think necessary. But I’d fight them all over again for our little girl. That’s what tomorrow will be for me: a battle. But I can win this one, Porter. I can walk in that courtroom and I can put him away. I will. And on top of all of that, the part that makes me almost excited to fight that battle, is that I feel like I can do it on my own.”
I leaned into him, resting my forehead against his chest, soaking up every ounce of calm that being near him offered. “I’m finally strong enough to fight this on my own. I need you for so many things, Porter. I need you to love me, and make me laugh, and be a father to our child, and comfort me, and to build me beautiful houses, and to take me on picnics.” I looked up at him, using my eyes to beg him to trust me in this. “But tomorrow, I can fight that battle by myself. In fact, I need to. I want to. And I’m going to win.” He used one of his big, strong, callused hands to sweep my hair behind my ear, and then his gentle hand cupped the side of my face.
“I’m so proud of you,” he whispered, his words caressing my face, opening up my soul, and hiding inside my heart. He pulled me into him again and I smiled against his chest. I felt his hand drop to the small of my back while the other cradled my head against him. I breathed him in again, loving what his embrace could do to me. “I am so proud of you,” he repeated, even quieter and closer to my ear. Only I could hear him. I felt as if it were a gift he was giving me. His pride. There were a few things I knew in life to be true—undoubtedly, one-hundred-percent, absolute truths. I knew that Porter loved me. I knew that we were supposed to be together. I knew that Mattie was destined, fated, to be ours, just waiting in the wings for her cue to arrive. I knew he supported me, wanted me, cherished me, and appreciated me. But to hear him say he was proud of me was fulfilling in a soul-lifting kind of way.
I took his praise and I felt it inside of me, lighting me up. But his sentiment only mirrored what I already felt inside.
I was proud of myself.
We both knew that a year ago I would have been reduced to a puddle of panicked goo on the floor with even the idea of being in a room with my shooter, testifying against him. I would have needed Porter and possibly medication to get myself through that event. But today I was confident that I would handle everything capably. Would it be difficult? Yes. Might I be uncomfortable? Probably. But I knew that, even if I panicked a little, I could work through it. Testifying against him was important enough to me.
I sighed against him and again felt the exhaustion of the day. All the ups and downs and revelations dragging the energy right from me. I brought my hand up to cover a yawn and felt Porter still running his hands through my hair.