Never Giving Up (Never #3)(71)
“So will you do me a favor and show up here really early tomorrow so I have time to go home and get ready before I have to be in court?”
“I’ll do you one better. How about we share this God-awful excuse for a bed they’ve given us and you spend the night cramped up against me?”
I smiled up at him, unable to imagine anything better.
Leaving the hospital the next morning couldn’t have been more difficult. I got up early then broke every parenting book’s rule and woke up my sleeping baby simply to nurse her. I desperately needed that connection to her before I walked out that door. It did occur to me that I was being overly dramatic and emotional, but I was only four weeks post-partum and leaving my new baby in a hospital to testify against the man who tried to kill me. So, the emotions were warranted I supposed.
Porter laid on his uncomfortable bench/bed, elbow bent, hand propping up his head of sexily rumpled hair, and watched me cuddle Mattie as I fed her, telling her how much I loved her and that I would be back before she knew I was even missing. I wiped a few tears away, trying not to cry, wanting to be strong.
Porter confided that he was secretly looking forward to feeding her a bottle for the first time and then I broke down at the thought of missing it. Eventually, I knew I was delaying the inevitable and needed to leave. I kissed Mattie and let Porter kiss me senseless and tell me he loved me more than anything.
I left my little family behind and walked down the hall, through the hospital, and out the doors, crying the entire way. As soon as I found where Porter had left my car, I got inside and forced myself to calm down. I told myself repeatedly that Mattie would be fine, that she probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I dried my eyes and took a few deep breaths.
The day from here on out would be taxing and I had to prepare myself for a different kind of emotional drainage.
One thing I did find some unexpected joy in was dressing for court. It had been months since I’d worn anything besides maternity clothes and yoga pants. I found myself smiling when I realized I could take more than a two and a half minute shower because Mattie wasn’t in her bouncy chair right outside the door. I took advantage of my aloneness in that moment and took the shower I’d been dreaming about for a month: long, hot, soapy, and quiet.
I found a gray pencil skirt made of a fabric that had a little stretch, accommodating the part of my belly that hadn’t gotten the message that I wasn’t still pregnant, and paired it with a soft lavender button up shirt. I marveled at the fact that my feet fit back into my high heels, and even remembered how to put my hair in a French twist. Putting makeup on was like riding a bike, like I hadn’t missed a beat.
When I was all ready I looked in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. I looked pretty damn good. It wasn’t the same body I’d had a year ago, a had a few curves that were slightly bigger, but I still liked what I saw. I liked it enough to snap a picture on my phone and send it to my husband.
Not too shabby, huh?
I smiled, knowing he’d like it.
I headed back into Portland, grabbing a coffee which I desperately needed as it had already been a full day, but it was really only seven am at that point.
When I made it to the courthouse, I was focused on maintaining the outer appearance of being calm, when on the inside I was positively frightened. I thought that if I could at least convince the people walking on the street next to me that I was calm, cool, and collected, it would somehow become true. I turned to start the haul up the tall stairs that led to the entrance of the courthouse and heard the unmistakable sound of my sister’s voice.
“Hot damn, Fella! There’s no way you had a baby a month ago!”
I looked up, surprised and truly amazed to see Megan and Kalli waiting at the top of the stairs, both smiling down at me.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked as I made my way to them. At the top of the stairs, I hugged them both, instantly grateful for their surprise appearance.
“You don’t think we’d let you do this alone, do you?” Kalli said, smiling and running her hand down my arm in support. Blame it on having a new baby, blame it on her schedule, blame it on a million things, but I hadn’t seen Kalli since the day we brought Mattie home from the hospital. I didn’t realize it until that moment, but I had missed her terribly. When Mattie had been taken back to the hospital last week, Kalli had been out of state working, but called and texted us daily, checking in, being as present as she could be.
“I guess that was a stupid assumption on my part,” I laughed. “Where’s Mom and Dad?” I asked, looking to Megs.
“They’re at the hospital with Porter. We wanted to split our support. Dad might show up here after lunch,” she shrugged. “Depends on Mom.”
I gave Megan a strange look. “What’s up with Mom?”
“She’s torn. She wants to be here for you, but she’s not sure she could sit and listen to you tell the story of how you almost died. Plus she’s worried about Mattie. She’s just being a mom, I guess,” she said almost flippantly, trying to downplay Mom’s emotions. Megan didn’t realize now that I was a mom, I could understand Mom’s dilemma.
“Well, I’ll be fine, so Mom should stay with Mattie.”
Megan smiled. “I’ll let her know.”
We walked into the building and continued through metal detectors and had our bags searched. My lawyer was waiting for me and approached me as soon as I made my way to the courtroom.