Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(25)
She hugged her own body, and I watched her trembling. As much as she attempted to look away, our gaze was fixed. It was then that I started to break down my walls. Was it really too late? Was this her final plea to get out of her impending nuptials? Was I willing to lose my family over it?
Her next question made me weak in the knees. “What if I don’t know how to stop loving you?” I held onto the door in hopes to elude from falling to my knees before her. She’d just admitted out loud to loving me. It was confirmed, after all this time, after hoping and praying, it was happening.
I could feel the burning in my eyes, letting me know that I had zero control over my own emotions. At this point I longed to pull her into my arms and never let go, but the repercussions were too hard to bear. We couldn’t take that route. The damage was too extensive. “You have to.”
She sobbed and shook her head. “I can’t.”
I lifted her chin as I spoke words I never thought I’d say. It wasn’t how I felt at all, but I wouldn’t be that guy who fell right into things with her after a fight. I’d already stooped too low to be with her in the past. Love wasn’t enough at this point. “You have to, Kat. You can’t do this now. Your future is already determined. The choice was made years ago. There’s no going back.”
She closed her eyes as she requested something out of me I knew I wasn’t strong enough to give. It wasn’t the act that was scaring me; it was everything that came with it.
“Fine. If it has to be that way, kiss me goodbye. Kiss me for all the years we’ve lost and all the ones we’ll never have together. Kiss me and make me forget that every moment without you in my life crushes me.”
“No!” I had to push her away because she was becoming impossible to resist. It was like God was punishing me, sending me one last test to redeem myself. I had to be strong and do the right thing, no matter how much pain it inflicted on my soul. “Please don’t do this.” I started walking around, hoping that if I couldn’t see the look in her eyes, I’d be able to avoid the burning desire to take her into my room. “We can’t go there.”
She was sniffling, begging with her whole heart, but I refused to listen. I wouldn’t let myself fall, not again, not when I knew she’d run right back to him. Kat was talking, she was saying things I’d always wanted to hear, but they were coming out after an argument with Branch. She’d been drinking, and so had I. The combination was dangerous. I’d be a terrible man if I allowed anything to happen, and she’d probably never forgive me in the morning. “Please, Brooks. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I need to feel it one last time. Just make this pain go away because I’m suffocating in it.”
I furrowed my brow and looked down at the floral designed carpet. “And you think I’m not? My God, Kat, I left the state because I couldn’t watch you with him for another second. You think it’s hurting you? How do you think I felt when that pastor put me in his place? Do you know how hard it was for me to not announce to everyone in the room that I belonged there and it wasn’t a mistake?”
She continued crying, making it hard to make out what she was saying. “What am I supposed to do, Brooks? It’s too late. You should have fought for me back then. You should have told me how you felt. Branch said you didn’t like me that way. How could I have known?”
“Because you felt it in here.” I pointed to her heart and kept my hand there. “Because deep inside you knew how I felt about you. It was never a secret. I worshipped the ground you walked on. When you were sad, I was there. Not him! I was the one to wipe away your tears. You should be wearing that God damn dress for me, not my brother!” My anger was coming out with my words, and although I didn’t mean them, it was helping to be able to say what needed to be addressed. “You broke my heart, Kat. You pushed me away, like an old toy. That’s why I stopped hanging out with you. It’s why I stopped wanting to do things and stayed by myself. Do you know what it was like to hear you and him sneaking around together? How do you think it made me feel?”
She sobbed and moved her head around, as if she was trying so hard to understand, but couldn’t grasp exactly what was happening. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
I threw my arms in the air. “You didn’t know? How could you not know? Even my f*cking parents knew. Don’t tell me that you lived in the same house with me and saw me every single day, but were oblivious to how I felt about you?”
“I swear, it’s true.”
I tugged my key card out of my pocket and stuck it in the slot as I spoke. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter now. There is no us. You’ve never really been mine and I’ve spent the last few years being okay with that.” I opened the door, but didn’t go inside. “I’m not going to kiss you, because it won’t get us anywhere, and you’d be cheating on my brother. No matter how much of an * he is, you’re marrying him in less than twenty-four hours. I can’t go back there again. It hurt too f*cking much the first time, and it’s going to take everything I have in me to get through tomorrow.” By this time my tears were drying. I was willing them to vacate so I could get through this without her arguing about it. “I think we should just call it a night and start over in the morning.”
When I went into that hotel room and closed the door I knew she was standing on the other side, waiting for me change my mind. I pressed my head against the other side before crumbling down to the floor. That’s where I began to weep, like I never had in my life.