Love Survives (Love's Suicide #2)(105)

I squeezed her hand, trying to cope with my own emotions. Tears were falling down my face, but only because I was too wired to convince myself that she was going to be fine. “Have you ever felt so happy that you’re almost wondering when something bad is going to happen?”

She moved her head up and down.

“Then you know what it was like to pull up to that accident and know that I could have prevented it.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” she argued.

I looked down at our daughter and then back up to Kat. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. He won’t be bothering you again.”

“Did he get arrested? Is he going to jail?”

“He didn’t make it, Kat. He passed on during surgery.”

Her monitors started beeping, and from the look on her face I could tell she was freaking out. What I couldn’t bring myself to understand was why? Why would she care if he was gone? Our problems were over. He couldn’t hurt her, threaten her, or stand in our way of being married. His death literally solved all of it. In that very moment I realized she wasn’t on the same page as me.

It crushed me.

The idea of her caring about someone who caused her pain was unimaginably difficult. I couldn’t rationalize with it. “Please don’t this, Kat. Don’t shut me out.”

“I want to be alone.” She pulled her hand out of mine.

I touched her leg, hoping she wouldn’t push that away as well. “I’m not leaving this room. I’m never leaving you again.”

“Brooks, don’t you see how toxic we are? Someone is dead because of us. He didn’t start out as a violent man. Bobby took care of me. He gave me a home, and loved me, even when he knew I could never feel the same way about him. I know you don’t understand this, but I did love him in some ways. For a while he was all I had. That man loved our daughter. He treated her like she was his own flesh and blood. People in town even believed it. He lived every day to make her happy. Go ahead and sit there imagining all the bad. I know you are. You didn’t know him like I did. You’ll never understand how it feels to know I had a hand in his death.”

What could I say to that?

How on earth was I supposed to rationalize with how she was portraying the man? I didn’t know him. She was right. I could only judge the parts I knew about, which were violent and erratic. “I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish I could take away the pain. Your heart is so much bigger than mine.”

I couldn’t stop crying like a pathetic baby. When she looked at me, I felt like she didn’t even want me around. I was trying so hard to understand, to be compassionate, but all I came up with was the same result.

I hated him.

I was glad he was out of the picture.

Now I feared that instead of this helping us build a future, it was going to be a huge setback; one that could separate us once again.





Chapter 52


Several hours later, when visiting times were over, my family headed back to the house. I sat quietly in the chair next to the medical bed. It was hard to contain the feelings that I was trying to keep bottled up. This hurt me so much, feeling her slipping away, as if the past week hadn’t meant anything at all. "Kat, please say something to me. I don't understand why you're doing this. He put your life in danger. You did what you thought you had to do."


"I ended his life."


"The accident ended his life."


"I caused the accident. I killed him."


"His drinking killed him, Kat." Why couldn’t she see that? What was so special about him that made her throw away everything else?

"No. He used to tell me that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't mean it like this, Brooks. I ruin everything I touch. I always have."


"That's your pain medicine talking."

Her next statement shocked me. I was so taken back by her change in demeanor that it took me a second to comprehend it all. "No. I’m a very selfish person that went after what I wanted, not even considering how drastic the consequences would be. I can't do this right now, Brooks."


The worst part of all this was the fact that I had to head back to South Carolina. My leave was over, and I was expected back to base. "If we don't talk now, it's going to have to be over the phone. I've got to head back to Fort Jackson first thing in the morning to report back for duty. Mom's going to take care of you and B until I can fly back next weekend."

I didn’t know what she was thinking about when I said it. Kat looked away from me, silently sobbing to herself. I half expected her to tell me to walk out the door and never come back.

When she finally responded she was choked up. "So you'll call?"


I reached for her hand, wanting to give her reassurance. "Kat, we'll get through this. I promise. Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you're thinking. Don’t do it. Please don't push me away."


I was basically saying goodbye to her, praying it would only be temporary. "I'm so sorry, Brooks. Please don't look at me like that."


I stood up and peered into her eyes, praying she’d understand how I wasn’t willing to give up anything with her. "I love you with everything I have in me. I know what it's like feeling like you caused someone's death. I can see it all over your face. They train us to handle those situations, so when you're ready to talk about it, rationally, you pick up that phone and I'll be there.” I kissed her lips before whispering into her ear. "I will never give up on you."