Lost and Found (Twist of Fate #1)(70)

“I made a joke about having to cancel our wedding registry,” I said.

“Right. You made a couple more equally stupid cracks, and then what happened?”

I narrowed my eyes at him because they’d been perfectly good jokes. “You said we should be friends.”

“Right, and how did that go over at first?”

It finally dawned on me what he was getting at. “I told you that sounded like a good idea.”

“And then?”

“And then I avoided you like the plague.”

“You pulled away from me. And it started the second I told you it wasn’t going to work out between us.”

“We’d broken up, Aiden. You gave me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. What was I supposed to do?”

“What about your parents, then?”

“What about them?”

“All the times they told you how things were going to be… when you admitted you were gay and your dad told you he never wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth again, what did you do?”

“Why are you doing this?” I whispered as I closed my eyes.

I felt his hand cup my cheek. “Because I’m tired of you not standing up for what you want, Bennett… for what you deserve. And because I know what happened out there on that trail when you decided Jake was a better man for Xander. The same thing that happened tonight when you guys got back here. You withdrew… you tried to convince yourself that you were okay, that you weren’t hurting. You use words to mask what you’re feeling, B. Whether it be jokes or just out and out lies, you pretend you’re okay when you aren’t.”

I wanted to deny it, but I couldn’t. I’d never been allowed to say what I was really feeling as a kid, because that wasn’t the Crawford way. My life had been mapped out from birth, and wanting something different hadn’t been an option. It was like I’d been given a part to play and I’d spent my entire life perfecting that part.

Bennett Crawford, son of a prominent businessman, heir to a vast fortune, successful Harvard graduate, member of Greenwich’s elite upper crust. Even my work with my father’s company’s foundation had been an acceptable prop, since what I did was considered philanthropy. If I’d done the same kind of work under the title of teacher or social worker, it would have been nixed from the get-go.

I wasn’t just masking my feelings like Aiden said, I was wearing a mask. It had become a part of who I was. Aiden could see past the mask, but I hadn’t actually ever felt comfortable enough to take it off around him. I was still Bennett Crawford to him.

“He’s the only one, Aiden,” I whispered. “He’s the only one who ever just let me be me. His Benny.”

“So why won’t you fight for that?” he asked softly.

I forced my eyes open. “Who will I be if he says no? When I lost him the first time, it was different. I still had…”

“Hope,” Aiden finished for me. “You had hope you’d find him again.”

I nodded.

“Bennett, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but I do know this. If you get on that plane without having tried, it’s not hope you’ll be taking home with you. It’ll be regret. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit know which one I’d rather wake up with every day.”

He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead before climbing off the bed. “Aiden,” I called just as I heard him open the door. I sat up and kicked the covers off. “Can you ask Gary if he has a car I can borrow, and get me directions to Xander’s cabin? I need to change.”

“Well, I did have plans to check in on Larry,” he mused. “But I suppose it can wait a few minutes.”

“Let it go, Aid. The man’s straight. He’s not going to cave.”

Larry was one of the chaperones who’d accompanied us on the trip and had been helping out with the group of younger boys that Jake had been leading. Aiden had been shamelessly flirting with him, but the single dad was completely clueless.

“We’ll see,” Aiden said. I reached him before he could leave the room.

“Thank you,” I said softly, and then I was brushing a kiss over his cheek.

“Go get ‘em, B,” was all he said. His eyes twinkled as he shot me a soft smile and closed the door behind him.





Chapter 33





Xander





The rain was so loud on the roof of the cabin, I didn’t even hear the knocking at first. It was only Bear’s incessant barking that had me climbing out of bed. I didn’t need to look at the clock on my nightstand to know what time it was, because I’d been staring at the damn thing for the past three hours. I’d managed to pretend things were normal after I’d left the lodge, but it hadn’t lasted longer than me making it home and climbing in the shower. That was when the gig had been up and I hadn’t been able to pretend that I was in any way, shape or form okay with losing Bennett all over again. I’d ended up sitting on the shower floor crying my ass off until the water had turned so cold, I’d had no choice but to get out. But I hadn’t gone very far.

My bedroom, to be exact.

I hadn’t even bothered to dry off after I’d forced myself up off that floor. I’d gone straight for my bed and crawled between the sheets, not caring that they’d get wet. I hadn’t cried anymore because I hadn’t had any tears left, but I’d felt too numb to do anything but lie there. Jake had called me a few times, probably because he’d expected me to spend the night at the lodge. I hadn’t answered. After the first few calls, I’d silenced the phone and turned it over so I wouldn’t be tempted to check the screen.