Lost and Found (Twist of Fate #1)(61)

Looking into Xander’s eyes, I knew why.

Because I’d been too afraid that I’d look into my partner’s eyes and find them lacking. And then I’d have to face a truth I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge.

That nothing they did or said would ever be enough. Not because there was anything wrong with them… but because they just weren’t Xander. They’d never hold that place in my heart that he’d had from the day I’d met him.

I’d loved Xander from the moment I’d spied him through the car window, sitting on that swing, his sad eyes on his faded Transformers sneakers. It had been a child’s love then, but it had never waned, only grown. I didn’t even know when it had changed to loving him in a different way. But it had. And it had happened long before I’d stepped off that bus seven days ago.

But I couldn’t tell him that. It would just hurt him… and me.

And the last thing I wanted tonight to be about was pain... and regret. We’d both had enough of that to last a lifetime.

So no, I couldn’t tell him how much I really did love him. But I sure as hell could show him.

And that was exactly what I did.





Chapter 29





Xander





It had been too close.

Way too fucking close.

Even now with Bennett lying beneath me, his mouth eagerly sipping at mine, I still had this irrational fear that it was a dream. That I was lying out on the banks of that river looking at the spot I’d seen Bennett go under for the last time. Even the thought had tears threatening to start all over again.

It shouldn’t have taken almost losing him to know that I was in love with him. That I’d always been in love with him, even when I thought I’d hated him.

The hate he hadn’t deserved.

Because he’d been forced to make an impossible decision that no teenager ever should have to make. And because I hadn’t had the faith in him I should have had. Even after I’d left Greenwich, I’d had a million chances to call him… to give him a chance to explain himself.

But I’d been so certain that he’d become just another rich asshole who thought he was better than me, that I’d refused to even give him the benefit of the doubt.

My stubbornness had cost us fifteen years we couldn’t get back. And worse, I’d set us on a course that meant we’d never be together. If I’d sucked it up and called him, I could have kept that connection with him and maybe once he’d been old enough to tell his parents to go to hell, we could have been together. I wanted to rage at that… to find something that I could take my fury out on until I didn’t have to feel the regret seeping through my every nerve ending, through every cell in my body.

“Xander, baby, please don’t.” I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped kissing Bennett at some point and I was braced above him, my elbows locked to keep my weight off his upper body. He pulled me down for a kiss and whispered, “Stay with me.”

Yes. I would do that. Because he was still here. I’d lost what we could have had, but I hadn’t lost him.

“Always,” I murmured against his lips, and then I sealed my mouth over his and settled my weight back down on him. I let the past and the future go and focused solely on him. My body ached to be inside of him, but my soul ached for something more. I needed more time so I could slow down and drink my fill of everything about him. I needed to be able to hang on to all the things he’d changed for me in the past seven days. I’d become his Xander again, and even if I couldn’t be with him once he got on that bus that would take him back to his life, I’d still always be his.

We kissed for a long time… soft, slow, hard, desperate— didn’t matter. Every touch sent us higher and higher and our need for one another grew. Pre-cum was making our cocks slide deliciously against one another and I had no doubt it was a mix of both of our desire.

“Fuck, need you so bad,” Bennett breathed against my mouth. His hips were bucking up against mine and his feet were locked around the backs of my thighs as if to hold me in place. I rocked into him a few times and drank down his moans of pleasure. But it wasn’t until his hands gripped my ass so he could grind our bodies together, that the rush of need became too much to ignore.

“Benny,” I said harshly. “Are you negative?”

“Wha… what?” he asked. His fingers were digging into the globes of my ass and I wondered if I’d have bruises tomorrow. God, I hoped so. I wanted Benny’s mark all over me. Just like I wanted to leave my mark on him… in him.

“I don’t have any more condoms. Do you?”

He stilled, but luckily, he didn’t remove his hands. Who would have guessed I’d have such a thing for his hands on my ass?

“No,” he said dejectedly.

I shouldn’t have been glad, but I was.

Hell, glad wasn’t even the right word.

“Are you negative, Benny?” I murmured against his mouth as I pressed gentle kisses against his lips. He kissed me back, but I kept the pecks light so he could focus.

His eyes widened as he finally seemed to understand what I was asking. He began nodding. “Yes… yes.”

“Me too,” I said. I kissed him deeply and asked, “Do you want it, Benny? Me inside of you? All of me?”