Joshua Healy (The Mitchell/Healy Family #10)(60)

I nod and try to put on a brave face. “I guess that explains why we can’t go out.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s hard to hear.”

“Yeah, it is.” I’m still fighting to retain my fake smile. “I reckon I better get going then.”

“Josh,” I hear her say. “Is the baby yours?”

Our eyes meet, and I can’t deny there’s still fire between us. “Yeah. Pretty sure.”

“Okay. I think I needed to hear it from your lips.”

“Take care of yourself,” I manage to get out before starting to leave. Then I turn back around and say her name. “Tamsyn, wait.”

“What?”

I toss the box in her direction, where she’s forced to catch it. “I bought this for you. There’s a note inside. Read it first. I don’t want the gift back. It’s yours. Don’t ever forget what we had. Merry Christmas, darlin’.”



It’s after ten. I’m sitting in my truck listening to carols while smoking a dime of marijuana I picked up on my way home, while drinking a fifth of whiskey. I need to get plastered, and I don’t feel like doing it around my happy family.

Since I’m parked at the ranch, I know I’m not in any imminent danger. This is what my life has amounted to. I’m f*cking up. I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I wish I never loved her in the first place, because it would be easier than constantly wishing I could turn back the clock and do things differently.

A knock on my window gets my attention. I’m stoned out of my mind, but sure it’s Liv. She’s been texting me for hours, ever since I sent her a message about destroying my future. I catch a glimpse of her before speaking. “What the f*ck do you want?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Josh. I thought you were over this. Smoking pot and drinking? You’re going to be a father. It’s time to get over yourself and grow up, and why in the hell are you wearing dress clothes?”

I jump from the vehicle and get in her face. “First, it’s none of your business what I wear. Don’t get on me about responsibilities. When the time comes I’ll be a damn good father. My child will have everything he or she needs, except two parents that love each other.” Her eyes are wide and fearful. “That’s right, Liv. I said it. I don’t f*cking love you. Want to know how I’m sure this time?”

She nods, but refuses to speak.

“I know because love is relentless. It comes in fast, but cripples you when it ends. It’s beautiful and understanding. Love isn’t forced. You can’t make it happen. It’s not planned. It’s not just a set of words. It’s feeling overwhelmed by that person. It’s not desperate. It’s patient. It’s a slow fire that keeps burning. It doesn’t stop when we want it to. It’s not a switch. I know I don’t love you anymore. I hate everything about you. I feel sorry for our child for having to grow up with you as a mother, because you don’t know the first thing about love. If you’re smart you’ll give that baby up for adoption and let someone else raise it. Give the kid a chance at normalcy.”

“Wow.” Her tear-filled eyes show me she still has feelings, though I think at this point she’s more embarrassed. “I didn’t come here for this.”

“Too f*cking bad. It’s all I’ve got to offer anymore.”

“You’d rather me put our child up for adoption then us to raise it?”

“Yep.” I realize the alcohol is talking, but I’m done with the bullshit. I’d rather be alone than feel hopeless and lost. I don’t want to be obligated to this person for the rest of my life.

“Your parents would never forgive you.”

“I don’t give a shit. I’m a grown man, and it’s my decision.”

“I came here to tell you I got an offer to work in Paris. After your message, I knew we needed to talk face to face. I wanted you to think about coming with me. I figured it would be a good place for us to work things out and be a real couple before the baby comes. I guess I already know the answer.”

“I’d rather drive off a f*cking cliff than go anywhere with you, Liv.”

“Please don’t treat me this way, Josh. I didn’t ask to get pregnant.”

“No, but you pretty much forced me to f*ck you. We had unprotected sex. Come on, do you think I was born yesterday?”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “I wanted you that night; to convince you that we should be together. I was trying to get you back. You admitted you still had feelings for me.”

“You coerced a drunk man to say what you wanted to hear. I barely remember it. I sure as hell didn’t know what I was saying.”

She’s crying harder now.

“Because of you I’ve lost Tamsyn and Wes. You expect me to pick up and leave my family so we can be together? This ain’t the olden days. I’m not obligated to be with you for the sake of our child. Get your head out of your ass and wake up. I don’t owe you shit!”

“You’re right. I just thought you’d at least want to try.”

I look her straight in the eyes. “You were my first love. We shared a lot of memories together, but we were kids. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t play head games. I. LOVE. HER. Get that through your skull. It’s never going to go away.”