Je Suis a Toi (Monsters in the Dark #3.5)(47)

This was wrong.

Despicable.

This hurt.

I missed him. I missed us.

I’d been an understanding wife. After those first few weeks of doing what I could to get him to break with no luck, I gave up. I didn’t want to be the cause of more strife for him but I also didn’t hide the agony of my sacrifice.

Q knew I was unhappy.

Shit, he was unhappy. Dreadfully so.

We were playing a treacherous game. Vanilla was supposed to be bland and non-lethal. But to us…it had the power to dismantle our marriage and shatter all that we loved.

On the fifth week, when three days had gone by and Q hadn’t touched me, I ignored his requests not to involve doctors. I couldn’t stand much more of this, and I wanted to know either way. I couldn’t test Q without him knowing, but I could test myself.

I couldn’t trust Franco to drive me to the clinic, so I enlisted the help of Suzette. She’d seen me growing bored and the change in Q as weeks crept onward. She’d been my shoulder to moan and fret on, understanding my frustration with Q’s pigheadedness.

No wonder he was able to find me the second time I was kidnapped. His sheer mindedness when he made a decision was unarguable.

Q did this to protect me. However, without me as his outlet he started taking his violence out on his employees. Barking orders, firing a few for minor misconduct, and unable to keep his mask on in society. His life was no longer happy, and he refused to let me reach him.

It was time for drastic measures.

Pretending we were going to Paris to shop, Suzette and I arranged a day to take the high-speed train to the appointment I’d made in secret.

I’d researched online for the best fertility clinic and sneakily made a booking three days ago.

Suzette and I didn’t talk much on the train, and for a second, I pretended life was simple and I was an architectural student again, heading into the city with a girlfriend for lunch, rather than the truth that I was a complicated woman terribly missing her harsh master.

After hailing a cab, we arrived at the address. Silently, we entered the building where I filled in a few forms and sat in a plush recliner beside Suzette until I was called into the doctor’s office.

Giving me an encouraging smile, Suzette waited patiently in the sleek waiting room.

My hands shook as I entered the doctor’s suite and closed the door.

“Hello, Mrs. Mercer.”

I’d become so used to French accents, I did a double take finding this woman was English. I didn’t often feel like a stranger in this city, but hearing another foreigner made me a little wistful.

Facing the medical practitioner, I put my future happiness in her hands.

Dr. Fellows smiled as my heels clicked on her white tiled floor. The air of the room was entirely clinical with no personality whatsoever.

I nodded. “Hello.”

She wasn’t old but she wasn’t young, either. I guessed late forties. Blonde hair tucked neatly into a bun while the lashings of mascara and pink lipstick made her pretty but professional.

Had she had children of her own? Had she ever gone through this stress of a stubborn husband and floundering sex-life?

Pointing at a chair beside her desk, she said, “So, from our very brief conversation online, I hear you’re trying to get pregnant but struggling?”

Sinking onto the seat, I nodded again. “Yes, my husband and I have been trying, but we’re not succeeding. The chore of having sex just to get pregnant is wearing on me and I want to know either way.” I didn’t tell her why I wanted my monster back. Why I was alone without him and desperate for what we used to have. Five weeks was too long not to connect in the way we needed.

Dr. Fellows scanned her computer, pulling up information on who knew what. “Okay, well we’ll start with a full examination and then we’ll have a chat. How about that?”

My hackles rose.

I was happy for her to prod my body but not my mind. Until Q, I was an outcast and uncommon. No one could understand the way I was hardwired. That wouldn’t have changed now I was older. When I was younger, I had no courage to be open about who I truly was. Now, I was wiser, and I didn’t give a rat’s ass what other people thought about me. But blatantly telling this stranger that I missed my husband hitting me and drawing blood? That would mostly cause me to be shipped off to a nunnery and locked up for my safety.

I’d been locked up far too often in my past by *s who’d tried to break me. I wouldn’t let it happen again. Then again, this woman was nothing compared to what I’d endured.

A flicker of abusive men and awful drug-sickness filled my mind.

My throat closed.

Oh my God, maybe I’m the reason why I can’t get pregnant?

Perhaps the rape I’d endured and the drugs I’d been fed had ruined me? Maybe the kicks to my stomach and damage of my physical form had decimated any hope of being able to carry a healthy baby for Q.

I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought about it before. Why hadn’t I considered it?

Because you’re so worried about Q thinking it’s his fault that he’s got you convinced.

Being away from him for the first time in months allowed me to think clearer. What if this was all my fault?

“Are you okay? What are you thinking about?” Dr. Fellows patted my hand. “You went white just now.”