Instead of You(57)

A few hours later when we made it to his apartment, I was incredibly nervous. We’d spent two nights together, but I knew that night was going to be different. In the timeline of our relationship, a big fat circle would mark this night as important, and I was trying to prepare myself for that.

He held my hand as we walked through the parking lot of his apartment complex, and something about being there with him made him seem older, or me younger. I couldn’t quite figure it out, but I definitely felt a shift in the dynamic between us. I was letting him lead, letting him be the one to teach me something new.

“So, you share this apartment with David?”

“Yeah. We moved here last year after a horrible apartment on the other side of town the year before. This place is cool, though. A little far from campus, but that also means there’s less loud college students out here.”

“And you guys aren’t loud college students?” I asked, bumping my shoulder against his.

“Not really anymore. I mean, sure, freshman and sophomore year we might have been a little reckless and rowdy, but that gets old after a while. David calmed down a lot when he and Kristen got together, and I was happy to leave the party life behind.” I thought immediately about how he was a whole year ahead in his schooling, how he was focused and driven, which probably left little time for cutting loose and getting loud.

He led me up a staircase to the second floor and stopped at a door toward the back of the building. He let go of my hand to unlock his door, then when it opened he motioned for me to enter first. I dropped my overnight bag inside the door and when he flipped on the light I was instantly transported into a weird alternate reality where Hayes Wallace was an actual adult, with couches and dining room tables and big-screen TVs. I’d never really tried to imagine where he lived because, in truth, I tried not to think much about him at all for self-preservation purposes, but the living space I was looking at in that moment was not how I would have pictured his apartment.

The living room, dining room, and kitchen could all be seen from the doorway, and all three rooms were tidy and clean. The furniture was used but nice looking, it all matched, and there was that same feeling of adultness. I turned to him.

“You’re like a real-life grown-up.”

He shrugged and gave a shy smile, shutting the door behind him, and turning the lock. He took my hand again as he walked past me, taking me on a grand tour.

“This is the living room, dining room, and kitchen, although I’m not sure how stocked the fridge is, so don’t yell at me if I’m out of everything. We’ll probably have to go out for breakfast tomorrow.” He led me down the short hallway, motioning to the first door on the right. “This is David’s room. He’s staying with Kristen tonight, so we probably won’t see him again before we go back.”

He let the words hang in the air and I immediately grabbed hold of them, turning them around in my mind and realizing what he was saying: we were alone for the night.

“Oh,” was my incredibly adult response.

His hand squeezed mine, but then he tugged gently and led me to the next door, opening it, and again motioning me in before him. When I walked through the door I knew I was entering Hayes’s room immediately because the smell of him moved over me. It was his own scent, nothing I’d ever smelled before, something dark and spicy, but not heavy. Just Hayes. The light came on and I took my time looking around, taking in this new Hayes’s room.

There was a desk in the corner that looked a little cluttered, but only because it appeared to be frequently used. There was a bookshelf that held what looked like a mix of textbooks and also books he might read for pleasure in his spare time. There was a closet I imagined you could just barely walk into and turn in a circle, and another door that I could see led to a bathroom.

And then there was his bed.

His headboard was made of wooden slats and they stretched horizontally along the entire king-sized frame. It was a dark mahogany color with a solid footboard that matched. He had a dark gray blanket with the fluffiest pillows I’d ever seen. It looked manly and comfortable all at the same time. I wanted to climb atop it and snuggle down, but I also knew I would have a hard time sleeping a wink in Hayes’s bed.

He pressed his body into mine—his front against my back—and rested his chin on my shoulder, his hands on my waist. His words were whispered next to my ear, the breath of them caressing me and making the hairs on my arm stand on end and the swallows in my stomach take flight.

“We don’t have to both sleep in my bed, Kenz. I can sleep in David’s room if you’re uncomfortable. There’s no rush or expectation here.”

His offer, to sleep away from me, made my heart hurt. The very last thing I wanted was to be apart from him, especially during this one night where we had, what seemed like, a finite amount of time to pretend like we were carefree, like we were normal. I was definitely some messed-up version of Cinderella, and sooner or later, my coach was going to turn back into a pumpkin.

I turned slowly in his arms, my hands automatically coming to his chest, and I looked up at him.

“I would be uncomfortable if you were anywhere but next to me.”

He leaned down and I was expecting a kiss, but his mouth went directly to where my neck met my shoulder and he breathed me in. It was a tender moment, a moment in which I felt as though he was treasuring me, committing the two of us together in his room to memory. A moment in which, possibly, he was memorizing what it was like to hold me because he was afraid one day he wouldn’t be able to. Or maybe it was me who was doing that.