I Stand Before You (Judge Me Not #2)(88)

There’s a lump in my throat, hearing the pain in my brother’s voice. He’s growing up and needs a father, now more than ever. There’s no one out there in Vegas to guide this kid. My mom is too wrapped up in her own shit—as usual. And Greg is okay and all, but Will is not his son. I know for a fact he hasn’t made a single move to officially adopt my brother.

I think about the dream I had weeks ago, the one where my dad told me to take care of Will. But how can I take care of him when he’s thousands of miles away? My life is here, and his is there. Fuck.

“Sounds like you’re good for each other,” I say, at last, to Will. “Maybe someday I’ll get to meet this girl of yours. I’d really like that.”

Will replies, “Yeah, I’d like that too. Cassie…she…I don’t know, she reminds me of us. Except it’s harder for her, I guess, being a girl and all. Mom had boyfriends but it’s not like we ever had to deal with…” He trails off.

I sense my brother might be about to tell me something more, but just then I hear a horn beeping in the background on his end. He tells me Cassie is there and he has to go. I say good-bye and we disconnect.

While I wait for Kay to return, I push the swing back and forth with my foot. I think about how my life is changing, how so many things are coming together. I’m with Kay now, and we’re so f*cking in love it’s crazy. Work at the church is going well, and I am finally making strides with my brother. We’re slowly rebuilding something I so recklessly destroyed.

The swing creaks beneath me as it sways.

In some ways, it’s almost like things are going too smoothly. This isn’t the way my life generally progresses. I am not one of those lucky people whose dreams all come true and everything turns out f*cking peachy.

But shit is good, I tell myself. You can’t deny that.

It’s true; shit is good, so f*cking good. But damn if I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all about to hit the fan.





Chapter Fourteen


Kay


The week starts out great. Chase and I talk with Father Maridale early Monday morning in his office, though we give him the abridged version of what happened to me in my apartment parking lot Friday night. It’s still enough detail to give context to why I’m now renting Chase’s apartment.

To my surprise—and relief—Father takes the news rather well. Chase makes it obvious we’re involved, he holds my hand reassuringly the whole time we talk. But instead of being angry, Father Maridale just smiles resignedly. “Just make each other happy,” he tells us.

I always suspected the priest who leads our congregation is more hip and cool than he lets on, especially for a clergyman, and this absolutely proves it. “I expect you to be good to each other,” he adds before we leave. “You’ve both known pain, but now you have a chance to see there can be joy in life as well.”

I don’t say anything, since we’re halfway out the door (and need to get back to work), but if I get another chance I plan to tell Father that Chase Gartner is very good to me, too good perhaps. There’s still this part of me that doesn’t feel as if I deserve all the love Chase showers on me. Maybe I’ll feel more deserving once he knows my dark secret. I keep trying to tell him, I do, but I physically can’t. He has no idea how close I almost came to blurting it out yesterday when we first arrived at the creek to fish. But as I opened my mouth, ready to pour forth the truth, I literally could not do it. It was like the words were stuck, stuck in my throat, stuck in my past, anchoring me to silence.

Chase was turned away, messing with the lines, but I did get out one unintelligible word. When he turned back to me with one eyebrow raised, I couldn’t say anything more. I couldn’t tell him face-to-face like that why I blame myself for what happened to Sarah, so I waved it off and pretended I was clearing my throat.

I have to figure something out, though, some way to share what I have buried in the deep recesses of my soul. Keeping my secret is wearing me down, making me feel as if Chase’s love could eventually slip away. This love we’ve created demands honesty, secrets will only hasten its demise.

Burdened with these thoughts, I find the workday tending to drag after our meeting with Father Maridale. Everyone else is bustling about, getting ready for the Fourth of July carnival to start while I’m stuck in the office. Chase is busy, outside on the grounds, helping the temporary workers who’ve been brought in to set up all the rides and stands.

But I am far from forgotten when it comes to my boy. Chase texts me randomly throughout the day, keeping me amused, and bringing a silly grin to my face every time I hear a new alert.

His first text reads: Thinking about when you (literally) ran into me in the parking lot…

Oh, what about it? I text back.

I should have grabbed you up in my arms that day, baby girl.

I reply, You kind of did.

Yeah, but I didn’t take a chance and kiss you. And I so should have.

Those words make me sigh, and smile, and sigh again.

Ten minutes later…

Remember the day I fixed your ponytail? Put that tie-thing back in your hair?

Before I can even respond there’s this: I wanted to kiss you so f*cking much, Kay. And when you hiked up your dress, shit, I wanted to go to you and hike it even higher.

I blush, I love his words. I send a wink back to him.