Going Long (Waiting on the Sidelines #2)(38)

“Noles? Are you there,” Sean asked.

“Oh, yeah…was just thinking. So…okay, yeah. I guess I’ll go to the game. Maybe I can go with you guys?” I asked, hoping.

“Of course! We’ll see you at Buck’s for Thanksgiving anyway,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Uhm…what?” now I was confused.

“Yeah, so…Buck invited your parents, and since you and Reed both like to pretend nothing’s wrong, everyone thinks you’re together and lovey dovey, so we’re all having turkey at the Johnsons. Happy Thanksgiving! See you there!” Sean hung up as soon as he was done.

Fuck! How was I going to get through this? I started to fast forward to the day, envisioning Reed staring daggers through me, and then me breaking down in tears in front of everyone, him telling my parents how I kissed someone else…or worse, that I had been pregnant!

I let my head buzz with possibilities, ways I could get out of going, all the way to the writing center for a special Saturday session. My tutoring seemed to be the only thing that still held joy for me, so I went religiously—often spending more time working on the poems and essays that the kids were writing than my own projects and homework.

There was one girl, Kira, who reminded me so much of myself, and I found that I spent a lot of my time working with her. Kira had been struggling to come up with a topic for the winter showcase. She suffered from Tourette’s syndrome, her muscle spasms almost constant, and her stutter a continuous wall in her way. She was one of my older students, almost 18. She was a beautiful girl, but so trapped because of her disability. And for some reason—probably more than any of my other students—I wanted to help her find words that would chip away at her cage. I knew they wouldn’t completely break her free, but I thought if we could just come up with something together, that she could recite in front of a crowd…despite the pauses and stutters that would undoubtedly work against her, she might find a reason to keep trying.

But I wasn’t much help to Kira today. We read through sonnets together, and she practiced saying lines, sometimes actually getting one or two out before her body and brain betrayed her. And I was proud. But when we sat down to work on her topic, I wasn’t my usual glass-half-full self, spouting off options and ideas. Instead, I just sat there and tapped my pencil on my pad of paper, staring at the lines until they bled together.

When our hour was done, I just shrugged at Kira, who still smiled and hugged me despite my lack of enthusiasm for the day.

“Sorry, I don’t think I was very creative today,” I said.

She smiled to let me know it was okay. Kira didn’t speak when she could find a way around it, and that’s what made me sad the most. Because I’d read some of the things she’d written…and her words were beautiful.



Sarah called while I was walking back to my dorm. It was the afternoon now, so she was on Nolan duty.

“Hey, I’m outside. You should be proud of me,” I was monotone and defensive out of habit. She was starting to harass me lately about my hair, and general look, calling me a vampire and recluse, which I suppose was not so far from the truth.

“Wow, she breathes! To what does the world owe this honor of your presence in the outdoors and sunlight,” she sniped.

I laughed a bit, short and breathy. “Very funny. I had a special tutoring session,” I said.

“Ah, gotcha. Thank god you have those, otherwise we might not ever get you out of that damn room of yours,” Sarah said. She had quit being nice a few days ago. “Well, shower up when you get home. We’re going out shopping today. Sienna’s here, and we’re making it a girls’ day…” She had that tone, the superior one.

“Sar…I’m not feeling it. Can’t we just check out Netflix and crash on the sofa or something?” I was going to lose my battle, I knew.

“Yeah, uh…no. We’re going shopping. And then we’re going to come back to my place, pretty your ass up, and go out to this new sushi place…” I tried to interject, but she just barreled right through my words. “Ah, ah…stop talking. And then…we are going to a club. And you are going to dance—with other guys, who are not Reed. Or Gavin. Or anything like either of them. And we are going to drink shots, off of guys. Well, Sienna says she’s not, but we’ll see…owwww! Don’t hit me! Sorry, Sienna just punched my arm. Anyhow, get your ass over here before we have to come get you. You’ve got 15 minutes.”

Deflated, I slumped my shoulders and walked the rest of the way to my dorm room. I didn’t bother to change into anything spectacular after I showered, because I knew Sarah would just make me change again anyhow, so I pulled on my sweatpants and giant long-sleeved T-shirt that had somehow become my uniform lately and threw some make up and hair stuff in a bag. I was locking up and forcing myself to keep moving forward when I ran into Gavin at the stairs. He looked a little surprised to see me out during the day.

“Wow, haven’t seen you out in a while,” he was sort of mocking me now.

“Thanks for the reminder,” I wasn’t in the mood for him.

“Sorry…that was mean. I’m…just sorry,” he looked down at his feet. “So, you’ve missed a few psych classes. We had a quiz this week.”

I just looked at him, like he was transparent. I was on my way to failing. I felt so far behind that I just couldn’t see how I’d ever be able to catch up. I’d gotten an email from two of my professors this week alerting me that I was in grade trouble. They encouraged me to see them. But I knew I wouldn’t. I was pretty sure I could pull out at least a C, but I’d probably have to take both of the classes again. And even then, I was going to be on scholarship probation. My parents were going to be livid.