Going Long (Waiting on the Sidelines #2)(37)

Chapter 9


Nolan



It was almost Thanksgiving break, and I hadn’t heard from Reed in more than a month. I checked my voicemail like a paranoid drug dealer almost hourly. But there was never anything. I was a shell of myself, as if each night that passed, and I didn’t hear from Reed was one more night that a piece of me died. I wasn’t eating, and I had skipped a lot of my classes, too. I was actually carrying two Cs, which I knew was going to screw me as far as my scholarships were concerned, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to care.

Sienna had taken it upon herself to make sure I was up and out of bed every morning, knocking on my door before my first class, and waiting me out until she had proof that I was showered and dressed. But I often just undressed as soon as she left, or just bailed in the middle of my morning lecture, blending in with the crowd of slackers that sat in the back rows. I completely missed two midterms and blew off another writing assignment as well, which was what was hurting my grades mostly.

While Sienna was on academic duty, it seemed Sarah had agreed to be on social duty, coming over every Thursday and Friday night, and forcing me to dress up and leave the comfort of my dark and depressing dorm room to go out dancing. I always went, but I usually just sat at some table and drank while she danced with guys who hit on her at the bar.

Gavin still stopped by to check on me regularly, too, always reminding me that I had options. But the more he reminded me, the more I was repulsed by him. I didn’t even think he was genuine any more, especially since I’d seen him at the bar one night with Sarah and watched how he danced with a few of the other girls. I was just a challenge to him, and he had ruined me in his quest.

I had told Reed everything, and he was completely shutting me out. I think what hurt the most was the constant stream of questions running through my mind that I just didn’t know the answers to: Was Reed mad I didn’t tell him about being pregnant? Was he upset about losing the baby? Was he relieved that he didn’t have to be a father now? Was he dating someone else…or lots of someones?

To make matters worse, when I was able to fall asleep, I usually awoke a few hours later with my heart racing from a nightmare. They weren’t always about Reed, but the ones that were made me cry. I had started to relive the accident, it seemed. Only, in my dreams, Reed never made it out of the Jeep. Sometimes it would explode, other times I would see him in the driver’s seat with the steering wheel cutting through him, his face white, and his lips gasping for breath.

I shared my dreams with Sienna, and she had suggested I make an appointment to talk with one of the school counselors, but the thought of opening up about everything I’d been through to a stranger just terrified me. And there were people out there who had real problems, I thought, problems far bigger than mine. No, the counselors were for those people who were dealing with things like a death in the family, a psychological break or meltdown of some sort. Not girls who got knocked up, and then cheated on their boyfriend.

I hadn’t heard from Sean or Becky in a while, so when they called me the weekend before the break, I was a little surprised.

“Hey, Noles,” Sean was chipper. It was strange, especially since I had convinced myself that he hated me by this point.

“Hey…uhm, how are you?” I asked with hesitation. I had been hiding out in my dark room for so long, I no longer knew how to interact with people, and my conversation felt stilted and awkward.

“We’re good, we’re good,” Sean laughed a little. “We’re leaving a bit early to come home for break—on the road right now. Becks is driving…hey, don’t kill us, okay? Eyes on the road, you can talk to her later…Sorry, she misses you and wants to talk.”

Hearing Becky’s laugh and Sean’s voice was comforting. “That’s so exciting. I can’t get out of here until Tuesday; have to finish some work at the writing center. But maybe when I get into town, we can meet up for burgers or something at MicNic’s?” I asked, my mind imagining everyone piling into Reed’s Jeep, just like we used to—instantly making me sad as I realized the low probability of that happening.

“That’d be awesome…” he was waiting to say something more, I could tell. “So…are you going to the game Thursday?”

Reed’s game—against us: UofA and ASU squared off every Thanksgiving break. I wanted to be there desperately, especially knowing that it might be Reed’s last. But I wasn’t sure I was welcome.

“Uh…I don’t know Sean,” I started, but he cut me off.

“Noles, you have to go. You know he wants you there. Besides, Buck will insist on it,” he was acting as if nothing was wrong.

“Sean, you don’t know that. We…Reed and I…we haven’t talked. Not in a long time. I think he’s moved on,” I admitted it out loud, and it made me choke a little.

“Yeah, I’ve heard you both say that same shit. I’m not buying it. Look, it’s clear you two have some issues to work out…” he paused, thinking of how to say his next sentence. I appreciated that he was dancing around my miscarriage. “But look, you have to start somewhere. I think Thanksgiving will be good for you.”

I soaked in his words. I couldn’t see how me sitting in a football stadium—where Reed might not even know I was there—would be good for us, but I was a little comforted knowing that I could go without his even knowing, just hiding, blending in, and taking in his last rival college game for my own satisfaction.