Going Long (Waiting on the Sidelines #2)(33)

“Okay, so let me just ask you this…what is it you really want?” he started.

I thought about it for a few seconds, not really sure how to answer that question.

“What do you mean? Like, do I wish I could go back to that hour before I drove to her campus, and didn’t know she kissed that *? Yes. Or better yet, do I want to go back even more, before she kissed him at all, and just show up magically and stop it all? Yes. But that’s stupid…and I feel like,” I swallowed, knowing what I was about to say rung a little with truth. “I feel like maybe it would have just happened at some point anyway. Like I would have just been putting it off, the inevitable, know what I mean?”

Sean just sighed. I could almost see him nodding through the phone.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” I said quietly.

“Reed, I don’t know. But I think maybe this kiss is just the tip of your problems,” he was laying it out straight. “But…and I mean this…I don’t think you’re ready to quit on what you two have. You love her. Like, really love her. You always have, and you know it. You need to talk.”

I took in a deep breath and lay flat on my bed again, staring at that same stupid dot on my ceiling that I’d been looking at since yesterday. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. You always are, dick head,” I joked, trying to lighten the situation, and my miserable-ass mood. I was pretty sure I was heading to ASU after practice. Some things just weren’t meant to be said over-the-phone.





Chapter 8


Nolan



Somehow, I kept managing to find new lows. I was working on maybe two hours of sleep over the last 48 hours, and it was starting to make me paranoid and full of anxiety—something which I already had a tough time managing with ample amounts of sleep and low stress.

When Reed shut the door on me yesterday, I crumbled. I sat there in the stairwell sobbing for an hour. And when I made it back up to my room, I just kept going. I ignored Sarah and Sienna for the entire day, just texting them that I was busy, putting them off. I wasn’t ready for their dose of advice. And worse, I wasn’t ready for Sarah to be pissed off at me. I knew she would be.

I’d done this. And I knew if I just let Reed in earlier, I could have avoided it all. But I’d made a mountain out of my problems and guilt, and rather than deal with it all, I got carried away in stupid fantasies. I liked Gavin, sure. He was smart and handsome, and had that musician thing that made girls get stupid. But he didn’t have my heart.

I dialed Reed’s number on an impulse last night, spilling my guts to him. I was thankful, at first, when I got his voicemail. Voicemail wasn’t intimidating, at least not when you were throwing caution to the wind. I told him everything. I told him how sorry I was that I’d been so cold toward him, how freaked out I was because I was pregnant, but how guilty I felt now because I’d lost the baby. I started crying harder when I admitted that aloud, just saying the words cut through me like a knife and forced me to pause on the phone for a few seconds—choking on words and heartbreak. I told him about what really happened the day I fell from the treadmill, about the heartless doctor who gave me a stack of brochures and a condom, along with my miscarriage diagnosis—and about how my f*cked up head and drinking turned into the worst decision of my life when I kissed Gavin that night. I downright begged for him to forgive me. I laid it all out on the field, nothing left.

And then I waited.

As each hour passed, the fact that Reed wasn’t calling was hitting me harder and harder. I figured he was probably ignoring my call and message at first. I thought about texting him, trying to force him to see my name and face. But each time I grabbed my phone, I chickened out, thought it was better to let him work through what he had heard and seen.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid Sarah and Sienna forever, so I texted them and told them to meet me at the Starbucks for coffee. Sienna, always perceptive, knew something was up almost immediately, texting me back:



You okay?



I was done lying.



No. Not at all.



I managed to take a shower and pull on some sweats and my warm Uggs. It was starting to get chilly at night, and I wasn’t up for driving, so I planned on walking. I was stuffing my keys and some cash in my pocket when my phone buzzed. I was anxious and excited at first, but then I saw it was Becky. Knowing I couldn’t put this off forever either, I answered while I locked up.

“Hey Becks,” I said, knowing what was coming.

“Hey…are you…okay?” She knew. That must mean Sean knew, which meant at least Reed was talking to someone—that made me feel hopeful.

“No, not really,” I sighed. “Becky, I don’t know how it got to this.” Becky didn’t know the full story, and I didn’t think I’d be able to fill her in on everything, including the pregnancy, in the short walk to the coffee shop. I was pretty sure Sean would know about it soon anyhow, though, and by extension, Becky.

“Reed called Sean. I’m sure you know,” she sighed. “Has he called you yet?”

“No…” I lingered. “I keep waiting. Actually, I got a little hopeful when you called.”

“Oh…I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll call, Noles. Sean said he was pretty tore up, but he got through to him.”