From Ashes (From Ashes #1)(33)
My heart and mind instantly wished for green eyes, black hair, and deep dimples, but I pushed it away. Gage didn’t want me. I glanced down to his hard jaw and my eyes kept going to his neck and the tops of his shoulders. He’d been a swimmer throughout school and his best stroke was the butterfly; because of that he had shoulders that were broad and covered in muscles, and I started to wish he had his shirt off so I could finally study the rest of his muscles too. Could I do this? Could I be selfish enough to try to make myself fall in love with him in that way just so I wouldn’t lose him? It wasn’t fair to him, and I would probably be a horrible person for it, but yes, I could. And I would. I couldn’t lose Tyler, and if that meant trying to give him my heart when it would always be lost to his cousin, then that’s what I would do.
I looked back into his eyes and continued to convince myself that I could do this as I slowly brought his face down to mine, leaning up slightly to meet him halfway. Our eyes were still locked on each other as I pressed my lips softly to his once, then twice. Tyler searched my face for a moment before bringing our mouths back together, soft yet firm, and moved his lips against mine. It felt wrong, so wrong. This wasn’t like kissing Gage; I didn’t feel like the world fell away when Tyler kissed me, and I started to feel sick knowing I would never have this with Gage again. Squeezing my eyes tight, I took myself back to the hill next to the creek on the ranch, to the best night of my life. I thought about Gage’s hot breath on my neck as he made a trail of light bites and kisses from the hollow at the base of my neck, up my throat, and back to my mouth. I thought about the weight of his body on mine as we tried to pull each other closer together. I thought about the overwhelming sense of joy and belonging I felt in his arms. I thought about all these things, and tried to throw them into my kiss with Tyler.
When Tyler’s tongue slid across my bottom lip, I parted my lips slightly, this time meeting his exploration of my mouth with one of my own. He moaned and pressed my body deeper into the mattress while his mouth trailed down my neck and across my shoulder as he slid the strap of my tank top down. My breath caught when he went back and nipped my neck before lightly sucking at the sensitive spot behind my ear.
“You can do better than this, Cassi. I need to know that you want me as much as I want you,” he whispered against my skin.
I grabbed fistfuls of his hair and forced his head back up to mine. I wanted to yell at him, tell him he wasn’t being fair considering I was still completely not over his cousin. Instead, I crushed my mouth to his and sucked on his bottom lip before capturing it in my teeth. Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I ripped it over his head and ran my fingers over his muscled body, causing him to shiver and his hard-on to become disgustingly apparent. I wanted to throw up. Trying to picture him as Gage wasn’t helping at all; if anything it was making it worse. There was no way to fool my mind into thinking this was the man who would always hold my heart. Every touch and every kiss was completely different, and lacking everything that was just . . . us.
Tyler’s hand was running up my bare stomach toward my chest, and just as I was about to stop him, and hope he wouldn’t be hurt by that, his cell rang. I tried to suppress my sigh of relief when he rolled off me and grabbed his phone to answer. When he hung up he walked back to the bed and hovered over me on his hands and knees, placing two soft kisses on my cheek.
“Ty—” I had to clear my throat before continuing. “You’re going to need to be patient with me. Other than kissing Gage at the ranch”—Tyler’s eyes narrowed again—“I’ve never done anything. I don’t want to do anything yet, I just . . . I just need time if that’s okay.”
“That’s more than okay, Cassi, take as long as you need.”
“And I think I should move into the other bedroom.”
“What?” He backed up farther, his eyebrows shooting up. “Cassi, why?”
“Because it will be awkward to sleep together now.”
“Cass,” he said, rolling onto his side and propping his head up on his hand, “you’ve slept in my bed for years; that shouldn’t change now.”
I thought about all the times when Ty would wrap his arms tighter around me, making his hard-on more apparent, and we weren’t even in any kind of relationship when that happened. If we were, I could only imagine how much more often that would happen and I already felt disgusted just thinking about it. I really didn’t want anything related to that with Tyler . . . not after I’d spent a year fantasizing about Gage’s naked body against mine. “I’m sorry, Ty, but if we’re going to try to be in a relationship, I can’t start one in bed with you.”
Tyler exhaled slowly. “Okay, if that’s what you need, Cass.” He leaned down to press featherlight kisses to my jaw. “So we’re going to do this? You’re gonna be my girl?”
“Yeah, Ty,” I said softly, “I will.”
He grinned wider than I’d ever seen and kissed me softly. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you too. It might not be the way you want yet, but I’ll get there. I just . . . as long as I’ve known you, I’ve only thought of you as a friend. I never considered anything else with you until about five minutes ago, so I’m sorry if this takes longer than you’d like.”
“Don’t be sorry, I know it’ll take time.” His nose skimmed across my collarbone, and my eyelids actually fluttered shut. “I’ve wanted this for so long, I’m just happy you’re finally giving us a chance.” He hopped off the bed and pulled his shirt back on. “Come on, let’s go.”