Frigid Affair(21)

Much to my surprise during the drive home, we passed my neighbors newly rebuilt home. It was very different, but still in the same general location. The grass had grown back, and there were no remnants of a fire ever happening there.

I hadn’t realized how much crap I’d accumulated until we tried to fit it into my small cabin. My upstairs loft had become the nursery. We’d left my bed in the room so I’d be close to Christopher, but I knew I couldn’t stay there forever. I was going to eventually have to build an addition, or seriously consider that move closer to town into something with more square footage.

Everything in my life had changed. My little cabin in the woods no longer felt like home. I’d outgrown it, and since my son was the most important thing to me, I knew the choice had already been made for me. For now we’d be comfortable, but in time, a couple years at least, we’d find something to accommodate us.




Christopher’s first year was filled with adventure, at least for the two of us. I documented every single thing he did, taking pictures and adding them to a collection I’d have printed when I visited town again. He was growing by the day, developing the way the books said he would. I’d made sure to take him to the doctors before we were unable to travel. The first winter we spent back on top the mountain was horrifying for me. I worried about everything, and even began looking for realtors so I could sell my place and get one closer to civilization.

Things didn’t get better once he started walking. He was curious and too smart for his little body. In my eyes, he was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. His light toned baby blues were captivating, and already I wondered how many women would get swept off their feet when in his presence.

My son dating was years away, but time was slipping by too quickly now. It seemed like I’d recently had a one-night-stand, and now there was a child running around. They say time flies when you’re having fun. I guess that saying applies to sleepless nights and overactive bladders as well.

Our first winter went by without a hitch. The solar panels managed to give us enough electricity to manage without troubles. I’d gotten accustom to living an easy life, but I had to admit it was hard to picture a future in the home I’d built to start over.

Many nights, after Christopher was fast asleep I thought about Easton. I wondered if my neighbors were right. Then a part of me hoped they weren’t. It was highly unlikely for me to ever see him again. Obviously, whoever he was, he was long gone. As hard as it was to consider, I also appreciated that I could be selfish with my little guy.

Despite the fact that I was settled on raising Christopher by myself, my heart still ached for a complete family. I’d been so close to my father. Even when I went through prissy phases, he was always my idol. There was no place safer than in my father’s arms. He’d always been my rock, no matter what I’d gotten myself into. I’d always dreamed of having a family like ours; marrying a man who would love our children as much as my father did his own kids. I hated considering that I’d created a life with a man who’d want nothing to do with his baby. Every time I looked into my little boy’s eyes my heart hurt for him. One day he’d ask me why he didn’t have a father.

One day I’d have to find the courage to tell him the truth, even if I knew it would always be an unknown.

I’d never expected the amount of emotions I’d go through after becoming a mother. More than anything in the world I wished I could call mine and ask her for advice.

I cried a lot.

Truth be told, I was scared I wouldn’t be a good mom. I was afraid I’d fail and lose Christopher too. Every single time he said a new word I would tear up. When he recognized something he loved, I’d lose my shit.

He made me feel like I was a basket case, and on most days I was kind of okay with it. Honestly, who was there to judge me?

No one.

Doctors would say I had a case of post partum depression that had never been treated. As much as I wanted to agree it was the only reason for my sad mood swings, I knew there was just too much pain in my past to be able to see the bright side of things.

For a while I kept my cell phone fully charged and on. I needed to know my lifeline to the real world was ready to be used, just in case I needed it.

When I managed to sleep, I had terrible dreams of something happening to my child, or me. I would dream a bear would attack me while I was outside gathering wood for the fire, all while Christopher was inside the home alone. Once I dreamed my body rotted outside while he starved to death. Another instance the bear got into the house. I woke up before I witnessed what it did to my precious baby.

No matter how positive I attempted to be, there was always fear looming in the back of my mind.

For someone who used to love being alone, I now hated it. I longed for companionship, or at least a friend to be there when times were tough.

I thought moving to a remote Alaskan location was where I needed to live out the rest of my life. I never expected someone would be born and rely on me to stay alive. No longer could I be selfish and in denial. I’d left Pennsylvania to hide from the past. I couldn’t face the truth. Now I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and recognize the woman staring back in the reflection.

I needed my life to change; not just for Christopher, but for my own livelihood and sanity.

Let’s face it, being a mountain woman wasn’t at all what it was cracked up to be.