Forever for a Year(99)

“Do you want her to take me back?” he asked.

What a weirdly strange question. Right? I didn’t know. Kind of. I wanted my dad back in my life. But I didn’t want him to hurt my mom ever again. And now … now, after all I had gone through, I don’t know if he couldn’t. I understand love too much to think anything is easy. So instead I asked, “Why did you cheat on Mom?” I said it in a whisper so the other people at the restaurant couldn’t hear us.

“That answer is so complicated, Carolina.”

“I’m mature, Dad.”

“You are, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” I said, and I knew I was even though I was also still a kid.

“Okay … well. First of all. Your mom and I fell in love really fast. Almost as fast as you and Trevor. Except we were in our twenties, and people get married and have kids when they are in their twenties even if they don’t know a whole lot more than they did when they were teenagers. By the time I realized I didn’t want to be married, we were pregnant with Heath. I talked to your mom about it. She said we could get divorced. She’s always been practical. But then Heath was born and all I wanted to be was a dad. Until one day I wanted more again. But then your mom was pregnant with you. And then all I wanted to be was a dad again. And then when you were five or so, I got fired from Northwestern and realized I was a failure.…”

“You’re not a failure.” I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I don’t want my dad to think it’s true.

“Thanks, Carolina. But I thought I was going to do some pretty great things in life. And I haven’t done any. I helped make you guys. And you are the best things in the world. But I haven’t done anything that I dreamed of when I was your age. I’m not dead. There’s time. But I went through a phase where the only way I could feel good about myself was to … be with other women. It made me feel young. It made me feel special. Your mom is so on top of everything I never felt good enough around her. That’s not her fault. But … Is this too much, me telling you this?”

“No,” I said, though I wasn’t sure if I meant it.

My dad kept talking. He needed to say this, I think. “Your mom and I made you and your brother, and this is what all parents say, but it’s true—it’s the greatest choice I ever made. But your mom wanted someone a bit more stable, I believe, and I wanted someone a bit more crazy. We had you two, so we tried and we tried. I didn’t try as hard as her. But I tried. And when it worked, it mostly worked because of you. And when it didn’t work, it hurt you the most. So really, that means it doesn’t really work at all … so…” Then he stopped. But I knew.

“You’re getting divorced?”

My dad nodded.

Wait a minute. Gosh. I breathed in deep. Was I going to cry? I don’t think so. Maybe later. But not right now. Okay.

“Your mom said I should tell you because if she told you, you’d worry more about her than yourself. You do know your mom is probably the most mature, wisest person either of us will ever know, right?”

“I know.”

“You’re taking this awfully well, Carolina. It scares me a bit.”

“Dad,” I said—yeah, I called him Dad—“I’m really sad. But just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

*

We talked a lot more. We talked until they closed the restaurant. Then we went and got milk shakes at Sonic and he drove me home. I hugged him good-bye and told him I was glad he was my dad again. Because he’s a not a bad dad. He’s a bad husband. Gosh, yes. But maybe now that he doesn’t have to be a husband, he’ll be an even better dad. I don’t know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter.

When I got in my bed, I realized that Trevor and I broke up on the same day my parents got divorced. (That’s not literally true since they have to do paperwork and stuff. But it was the same day I found out, so that’s really my point. Okay?) Anyway. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. But it probably does mean something.





Part Five

EXES FOR EVER





88

Trevor …

On the Sunday morning before sophomore year started, I was lying in bed, and I don’t know why—crap, really, I couldn’t explain why—but I just had to text her. Carolina. I hadn’t texted her the whole summer. I texted Betsy Kwon every day. But never Carolina. I thought about Carolina every day. Of course I did. I mean, every stupid day. Really. But I never, not once, texted her. But today … I just had to.





89

Carolina …





TREVOR


Hi.

That’s it. That’s all he texted me. I had been waiting the whole summer for him to text me. I knew he had been dating a sophomore girl. Wait a minute. I guess she was a junior now. Because I was a sophomore. So strange! Sophomore. Sounds so old. Anyway. I decided I wouldn’t text Trevor back until he texted me something more. Better. At least asked me a question.

Oh. No way could I wait. I didn’t love him anymore. Okay. I did. But it wasn’t like that. I had met a boy at soccer camp. His name’s Greg. He’s really nice. And really good at soccer and school. We’ve kissed a bunch of times but nothing else.