Forever for a Year(101)

Carolina stopped. Nothing could have stopped me. Nothing. I only wanted Carolina. I didn’t care about our crap or our heaviness or anything. There was no one like her in the world. But she stopped.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t know.…”

“I want to kiss you so bad,” I said.

“I’ve been dating a boy,” she said.

“Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to hear that!” Bam. Bam. Bam. Images blasted through my head of Carolina kissing a boy. Images of Alexander, even though it wasn’t him, I’m sure. Oh. Oh. Oh. Why did she have to tell me that?

“But we were going to tell each other everything,” she said.





97

Carolina …

I shouldn’t have mentioned Greg. But I should have. I didn’t want secrets. Not from Trevor. Not if he was my soul mate.

“Trevor…”

“I’ve been dating a girl.” He couldn’t look at me. At least he didn’t want secrets either.

“I know.”

“I don’t love her.”

“I don’t love Greg.”

“I love you, Carolina.”

“I love you too.” And then I had to ask. “Have you had sex with Betsy?”

He didn’t speak right away. But I knew. Then he said, “I’m sorry.”

Oh. Gosh. Then I cried. I cried my first big cry since we broke up. My breath became fast and short.

Trevor tried to console me. Patting my arm and shoulder. But I just needed to let it out. I’d be okay. I just needed to let it go. He kept saying, “I’m so, so, so sorry.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want him to be sorry. I didn’t. It’s okay. Boys have sex with girls even when they don’t love them. Maybe girls do too. Maybe I would someday. But I think if a boy has sex with a girl he doesn’t love, it also means he doesn’t still love the girl he used to love. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe it’s all so complex you can’t really tell what love really is. But I knew I didn’t want to have sex with Trevor. Not now. I didn’t even want to kiss him. Not now. If he could have sex with another girl … I don’t know. I really don’t. I just knew our story wasn’t just on a chapter break.





98

Trevor …

I didn’t have a hard-on anymore. That might sound weird to state, but it’s just that two minutes ago I had never been more excited and now …

“I wish…” I started.

“Yeah?” she said.

“I wish…” But I couldn’t say anything else. I looked at her face, and I loved that face so much that it hurt again. It hurt everywhere. It hurt so much I couldn’t talk. I could only look at her and wish I loved her just a little less so … I don’t even know. It’s all so f*cking complicated and tragic and life sucks because you find someone like Carolina and it’s all so perfect and life tricks you into thinking it will always be perfect and then when it’s not, you’re just supposed to accept that it never will be. But it was. Goddamn it. It was perfect. And you can’t forget that it’s not anymore.





INFINITY

Carolina AND Trevor

Trevor?

Yes?

I love you.

I love you too, Carolina.

I can see into your eyes right now, and I can see everything you’re thinking.

I can see your thoughts too.

What do you think that means?

I don’t know.

Are you mad at me, Trevor?

No. Are you mad at me?

No, I’m just so, so, so sad.

Are we over forever, Carolina?

I don’t know.

I don’t know either.

I miss you so much, Trevor.

Me too, Carolina.

So then why can’t we be together?

Maybe someday?

Maybe …

Maybe not …

Oh gosh.

Crap.

You’re my soul mate, Trevor.

And you’re mine, Carolina.

Even if we never kiss again.

Even if.





THE END





ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Since Carolina helped out with the dedication, I invited Trevor to assist with the acknowledgments. But then Carolina heard we were getting together and asked (pleaded, really) if she could join us. It had been over a year since they last talked, so I expected it to be awkward having them in the same room again. And it was … awkward. Very awkward. But it was also something else.

“Hi, Trevor,” Carolina said the moment she saw him, with a confident smile, like the smile of a woman who knows a man’s secrets. It was very mature. Almost sexual. Which I really didn’t think Carolina was capable of, but, like I said, it had been a year. A lot can happen in a year.

“Carolina,” Trevor responded, not looking at her. He kept his focus down on the circular table we had gathered around.

“Thanks for assisting me on this,” I said.

“Oh my gosh! Obviously! It’s so amazing that our story got published!” It was nice to know Carolina hadn’t changed completely.

“Yeah, man, congrats,” Trevor said. “But people won’t be, like, showing up at school asking us if all that crap you wrote is true, will they?”