Forever for a Year(100)

(Okay, well, one time after I drank my first beer Greg and I got, like, in our underwear and touched each other but nothing really finished, if you know what I mean. Yes, I drank a few times. I don’t know why. I don’t like it that much, but it’s nice not to be the only one who doesn’t. I hope Trevor never drinks. Nothing really happens to me. I just smile more. But for Trevor—it might make his darkness so much darker.) Anyway. I just don’t want to have sex or do anything really with Greg. Kissing is much simpler. And it’s so easy to only kiss when I don’t love him. I did learn to, you know, do it to myself by myself but the only way I could have an orgasm was if I imagined Trevor. Maybe that’s why I was fine never doing anything more with Greg. I don’t know. Never mind.

*

So, anyway, the longest minute ever later, I texted him just because.





ME


Hi back.





TREVOR


Hi again ;)

Annoying! But also kind of cute. My heart was racing.





90

Trevor …

This is going so sound f*cking stupid, but texts from Carolina felt like they were three-dimensional while texts from everyone else were just one dimension. Even Betsy’s. Betsy’s were funny and nice. But just … not like Carolina’s.





CAROLINA


Hi. Again. Back.

I could do this all day. I’m not kidding. I could sit here in my bed all day and just text one or two words to Carolina at a time. Cute, harmless stuff that made me think of her sitting there texting me. Man, that would actually be fun. It is the dumbest thing I’ve ever thought, but it’s true. But instead of doing that, I did the dumbest thing I’ve ever done and texted:





ME


I miss you





91

Carolina …

He misses me. Oh. My. Gosh. My dad was right. Our story wasn’t over. It was just a chapter break. That was clever. I’m funny. Greg doesn’t think I’m funny. Greg doesn’t have my brain. Trevor has my brain. I miss him so much I want to die.





ME


I miss you. Back.

Maybe I shouldn’t have texted that so fast. I was winning. I had him saying he missed me, and I should have made him wait. I should have. But no. I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t want to play games with Trevor. Not any boy ever. But one hundred million percent never Trevor. I want to be better than that. I want to be amazing. Always.





TREVOR


Can I come pick you up?





ME


Yes.





92

Trevor …

I dressed so fricking fast I don’t think I breathed until I was out of the house and driving to Carolina. Entering her neighborhood was like entering a video from my past life. I couldn’t tell what was real and now and what was past and then I was parking. As I got out to go knock on her door, she was opening it up and there she was and—





93

Carolina …

He’s looking at me like he used to. Like I’m the only girl in the world. This is happening. My whole body is floating over the ground. That’s not true. But you know what I mean. I smiled at him. And I think my smile must have reminded him of all of who I was because Trevor just shook his head. A shake that said, “You are my soul mate.” I know this because I am. And he’s mine.





94

Trevor …

When we got into the car and closed the doors, I could smell her. Goddamn. It was her. Her smell. Betsy had been riding along all summer in my car but it never smelled right. Carolina. She smelled right. Because she smelled like Carolina. I don’t know how to say this other than to just say it but that smell gave me the hardest hard-on I have ever had. Betsy and I hooked up and it was okay, I mean, it was fun … but it was never this. Just sitting in the car looking at Carolina, smelling Carolina, was better than getting naked with Betsy.





95

Carolina …

Trevor started driving, but he couldn’t stop turning and looking at me. And I couldn’t stop smiling from him looking at me. So we didn’t drive more than four or five blocks before he stopped his car and put it in park and I was moving toward him as he was moving toward me and we kissed. Oh my gosh, we kissed. Nobody kisses like Trevor. He tastes perfect and our mouths just eat each other up, but in a beautiful, amazing way that’s passionate and a bit crazy but also so comfortable and safe. So perfect. We kissed and we kissed and my head got light and I grabbed him and he grabbed me and we pulled each other so close. So close. I wanted to be naked and in his basement. I wanted to have sex. My body wanted to have sex. Oh my gosh. We really were soul mates.

And then I stopped kissing him. I don’t know why. I thought of Greg maybe. Or maybe I thought of my dad. Of his story. My dad was ready. Then not. Then ready. Then not. Where was I? Where was Trevor? Don’t think, Carolina! But I had already stopped. So then I pulled away. And I looked at Trevor. His mouth was wet and red. There was spit on his chin. I didn’t want to wipe it off.





96

Trevor …