Find Me Alastar(75)

“It is,” I whisper into his lips, I can’t lie. I can’t tell him I don’t have feelings for him when I damn well do. I am falling for him and I know I’m on the precipice of heartache and I still can’t make myself take a step back.

He smiles a breathtaking smile, kisses me again, and then pulls back to take my hand in his. I look at the people around us, some staring, some talking deep in discussion, and others not even noticing. My equilibrium is totally haywire.

He just got me to admit that I am falling for him and I close my eyes in regret.

What am I doing?

Don’t do this to yourself, Emerson. I get a visual of myself crying on Tuesday and begging him not to go, to take me with him. I see myself promising him anything to make him stay, and yet he will go anyway. I already know that he will.

“I’m going to go the bathroom.” I fake a smile.

“Over on the far wall. Do you want me to come?” he asks as he puts his hand around my waist.

“No, I’m okay. Thank you.” I smile and he kisses me quickly.

I walk up the hall and finally find the swanky, black marble toilets and walk into the cubicle to close the door.

I sit there for five minutes with my heart hammering as the last four days’ swirl through my mind like a Tornado. Laughter, love making, and dreaming by the fire every night with Alastar. Is there more to life than feeling like this? I honestly can’t imagine that there is.

The feeling I have for this man is completely different to what I had for Liam, my ex-boyfriend, and we have hardly even scratched the surface of what we could be together.

We barely know each other, so why do I feel like I know everything about him? I feel like nobody knows me or gets me better than he does.

A sick sinking feeling of awakening runs through me.

I need to regain a little of my resistance, and I need to regain it fast, because I’m scared I’m falling in love with the brightest star in whole of the galaxy.



* * *



Dinner is over and we are sitting at the table with the rest of his friends from the photography industry. The real power people. This is an awards night and Alastar is up for an award for one of his pictures. Everyone looks amazing in their black ties and beautiful dresses. I have to admit; this is the most fun I have ever had at a snazzy event. We are all drinking expensive champagne and Twinkle is introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend. If this is what it feels like to be his girlfriend, sign me up. I am totally addicted. I have a really nice girl seated next to me and we are getting on famously. She is the girlfriend of a fellow photographer and is a similar age to me. Alastar’s arm is slung over the back of my chair as he talks to the man next to him, but every now and then I feel his fingertips run over my shoulder blade as if he has to touch me. It’s a comforting feeling, one I never want to end.

The awards are on the stage, which is lit by several spotlights, and everyone is clapping and cheering. Some of the victory speeches have been hilarious. Artistic people are freaking weird sometimes.

The room is full with laughter. Finally, they get to the category that Alastar has been nominated in.

“The most thought provoking image,” the handsome man in a black suit reads. “The nominees are: Bishelle McGuire. Star. Mario Grenalda.”

Everyone claps and I kiss my Twinkle on the cheek in congratulations. His smile is beaming.

The handsome man opens the sealed envelope and the room holds their collective breath.

“The winner of the most thought provoking image is…” He hesitates for effect. “Star!”

The room erupts into cheers and clapping. Seemingly embarrassed, he kisses me gently on the cheek and stands and takes his place in the centre of the stage.

His winning photograph is shown on the large screen behind the stage with the quote underneath it:

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. ~ Aesop



It’s a tree. The tree itself looks beautiful, green and healthy.

However, the shadow it cast looks evil, scary, even.

I sit back and stare at it. Wow! That is thought provoking. Depending on what kind of person you were would definitely determine how you saw this image. A positive person would only see the beautiful tree and all of its glorious shades of green. A pessimist would probably see the black shadow, the twisted tortured limbs. I smile broadly as I clap. I get it, I get what he means by this photo and it really does mean a lot to me that I do.

He waves and everyone claps as he takes his place behind the microphone.

“Thank you.” He holds the Oscar looking gold statue in front of him. “This award means a lot to me.” He hesitates as he turns and looks at the image behind him then turns back to the audience. “The quote came to me from a very old source in a book.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow, by Aesop.

It resonated with me.” He pauses. “Up until very recently I had done just that. I had lost the substance because I had grasped the shadow. I was always overthinking the end.”

I frown, what’s he talking about? The end? Is that… death? Is he talking about depression?

I’m confused.

He smiles broadly. “Recently I have found my substance.”

The crowd continues to clap and I smile back at him.

“She’s wears a white dress.” He smiles down at me sitting at the table and I stop breathing. Holy shit, he’s talking about me. What the hell?