Find Me Alastar(80)

I will never be the same again.



* * *



We walk up the road hand in hand. I feel as though I am going to hyperventilate. It’s Tuesday morning and time to say goodbye.

This morning Alastar’s OCD has been at an all time high as I watched him pack and repack my things in silence. He made the bed and changed the linen with such force, I thought he may have ripped the sheets. When we got to my apartment to drop off my belongings he insisted in putting everything away for me. I had two extra suitcases of things. It seems he shops for expensive clothes when stressed, as well.

Last night we were both quiet, both lost in our own thoughts. I told him on Saturday, in a roundabout way, that I loved him, and he didn’t say it back.

He hasn’t told me about his trip and I haven’t asked. I know this is it. Maybe I’m being delusional—I probably am—but I feel like my feelings are reciprocated; yet for some reason he just can’t act on them. I keep feeling like I have missed a chapter of this book, like there is something going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about.

We ate breakfast in silence. Well, that’s not true. The sound of my heart breaking could have been heard for miles.

I’m not going to beg.

I’m not going to lower myself to being one of those clingy pathetic girls.

I deserve better.

But, God, I want him to want me as much as I want him.

It hurts that he doesn’t.

We get to the pavement outside my work and we turn to face each other as he holds both of my hands in his.

I fake a smile. “Thank you.”

He nods, his sad eyes holding mine.

Don’t go.

“Have a great trip,” I whisper.

He nods, again not saying anything.

I just need to go. I just need to get the hell out of here before I make a bigger fool of myself.

I kiss him quickly on the lips and move to pull away but he keeps me in place, holding me by the hands.

“Kiss me properly,” he whispers as his eyes search mine.

My throat aches and I feel like I can’t breathe.

“Emmaline,” he whispers.

I stare at him through tears.

He kisses me and holds my cheeks in his hands as he screws up his face in pain.

My face scrunches up as the tears break the dam of control. I pull out of the kiss and step back.

I need to get away.

“Goodbye,” I whisper.

His haunted eyes hold mine.

He can’t even say it. He can’t say goodbye.

I turn and walk away into the cold hard reality that I brought all of this on myself.





Chapter 16





“Oh, babe, I’m so sorry.” Brielle sighs from the end of my bed.

I nod sadly, feeling sorry for myself. “Yeah. Me, too.”

“Do you want me to tell you he’s a f*ckwit?”

I nod.

She smirks. “He is such a f*ckwit.” I smile sadly. If only that were true.

“What are you going to do?”

I shrug. “Forget him. I deleted his number from my phone so I can’t call him.”

“Good idea.”

We both sit in silence for a little while.

“I seriously don’t get it, though. I would swear he was madly in love with you. I think I’m more shocked about this than you are.” I stare at her, still numb. “Not helping.” I sigh.

She looks down and notices the box of letters. “What’s this?” she asks as she picks them up.

I smile my first genuine smile all day. “They came with my ring.”

“Huh?” She frowns.

“The little old lady rang me back to tell me that the box they came in has the same stampings as my ring.”

“What? What are they?” She opens the box and takes out a letter.

I smile. “I’ve been reading them in order. They are love letters to a princess from her guard.”

Her eyes light up.

“I’m up to the sixth one. They are so in love.”

She puts her hand over her heart.

“You have to read them in order. Go back and read the first one. She slipped him a note to come and visit her in the middle of the night.”

“Are you serious?” she whispers as she holds the letter in her hand and studies it.

“Those letters are the only thing that’s keeping me sane during my love life crisis at the moment,” I murmur sadly.

Brielle smiles. “Its not a crisis, it’s just an Irish fiasco. The sadness will pass because as you will soon realise that all men are bona-fide f*ckwits and the female race is a lot better off without them.”



* * *



My beloved Princess.

The last twenty-two nights in your arms have been the best nights of my existence.

The Princess paces back and forth in her room, furious and unable to control her anger. Alchron hasn’t been to her chamber for three nights and today she heard chambermaids talking. He had been at a dance two nights ago with a blonde woman and they left together.

How could he do this? She thought that they had something wonderful. Her innocence had blinded her. Her angry tears roll down her face.

Knock, knock.

Her eyes dart to the door. He came! Her heart picks up pace and she runs to open it in a rush.