Deploy, Part One (Rawlings #1)(77)

Justice gasped. She had thought through this scenario a thousand times. Each time she fought with Dawson she’d yell, “Who do you see? Who are you stronger than? Fucking show me, girl! I don’t believe it. I don’t. Make me.”

Murdock seemed bigger to Justice. He was never small by any means, but somehow, even though the logical side of her mind said he was weaker, that the drinking and drugs were leaving a mark, she saw him as a massive demon. An evil that would not let her rest.

She felt her heart racing, her skin dampened with fear, her fist clutched.

But then she breathed, deep and slow. Then she heard Dawson in her head. The four hours a day they spent ‘training’ started to flood her.

She was still scared. There was no stopping it. But she was angrier.

A manic smirk reached her lips for a second before resentment took over her expression. She slammed her heel on his foot, punched him in the jaw, and upward thrust contact was made with the palm of her hand.

Dumbfounded, Murdock moved back, holding his face and spilling his coffee all over the front of him. “What the f*ck?”

“That’s what you want to say?” she asked brandishing the Taser she had on her. If she really wanted to get crazy she could have pulled out the forty-five she had concealed at her back.

He jerked his head up, looking at her like she was the insane one. “After the shit I’ve done for you. After your jarhead buddy nearly got me to confess to our night of hell, the least I should be allowed to do is tease you about who you’re f*cking.” He leaned a bit forward giving her reason to take aim at his groin.

She shook—her hand was trembling with rage, rage because she knew he didn’t even f*cking remember. He had ruined her all over again and it was nothing to him but a black out drunk.

Her gaze dipped to his forearm, to the scar she had left there when she bit down when he all but suffocated her. She swallowed harshly and thought of every reason to kill him and not to kill him—the latter was coming up short.

Could anyone be any more dangerous? Psychopathic? To destroy a life and not even remember?

“You raped me,” she hissed, saying it aloud for the first time ever. Admitting it happened to herself. The pain of the moment was indescribable, but the strength it gave her was much the same.

His dark eyes searched hers rapidly, confirming what she already knew. He didn’t remember.

“Yeah, try pulling that off—see what I don’t say,” he said in a shallow tone a few seconds later.

She almost laughed, because what he said was exactly what she knew he’d say the night it happened. She knew him that well. How sick and self-righteous he was.

She stepped forward and fired, tasing him right where it mattered. He yelled out but before anyone came to investigate she stood over him and glared down. “Come near me again and I’ll cut it off.” And then she walked away.

She stormed out of the library, Dawson hot on her heels. Boon set off to figure out who was yelling and why.

“What the f*ck, Dawson!” Justice raged when they got outside, when she felt the sun wash down her, really felt it for the first time, when she tasted the air, noticed it was there. “You just left me!”

Justice couldn’t focus on anything. Her entire body was numb with adrenaline.

“It was your fight.”

Justice shook her head as she paced. “I’m f*cking armed. I could have killed him! Then what?”

“You wouldn’t have,” Dawson said calm as ever as she dropped her sunglasses over her face.

“You don’t know that,” Justice argued. “What was this? Some training bullshit? Some way to help me get over it?”

“No,” Dawson said honestly. When Justice met her gaze she said, “You’ll never get over it. Ever. It will stay with you. What you do with it, what you allow it to do to you is your choice. Own the demon or let it own you.”

Justice dropped her head.

“You faced him,” Dawson said. “Done. Now you know this beast can be defeated.” Dawson stepped up. “Now you need work on getting back to where you belong. Making shit right again.”

A beat later Boon charged out the doors franticly looking for Justice. When he found her, saw how calm she was, a half smirk emerged as he shook his head. “I want to brag about this but it will just piss him off,” he said.

No one needed clarification. It would do more than piss Declan off if he knew Murdock was breathing the same air as Justice.

“My fight,” she said, sternly looking at Boon before turning and walking away, feeling lighter than she had in months. Her demon was walking next to her, not perched on her shoulder, and she was sure it was a bit smaller now. Not much, but still. Every victory deserves to be celebrated.

***

By the time the summer class was over, Justice felt right, strong. It was time to go home to Declan. The plan was to stay with him until he had to deploy. Justice was determined to see the plan through. She knew it was going to be a battle when she saw the distant look in Declan’s eyes when he picked her up at the airport. His guarded touch as he took her hand nearly broke her before she ever stepped onto the battlefield.

“Beautiful,” he said, leaning into to kiss her brow, then slowly guiding her against him. He didn’t hold her tighter until she wrapped her arms around him then drifted them up encircling his shoulders pulling him hard against her, so hard that she hoped she could slip inside and hide forever. It was hard to tell if his grunt was a tease when she squeezed him or if she really took him off guard.