Changing Course (Wrecked and Ruined #1)(83)

Jesse has wedged her way deep into my heart. She loves me. I can see it every time she looks at me. It kills me to see such emotion in her eyes, knowing that I can't give her back what she deserves. Do I care about Jesse? Unquestionably. Do I see a future with her? Yes, for as long as she is willing to stick around. Can I be the man she deserves? Absolutely not.

We got back from our day at the pond and jumped directly into the hot shower. We were both still shivering, even after the long drive home with the heat on full blast. I would have been fine with a cup of coffee, but when Jess suggested the shower, I felt obligated to take advantage of her naked body. I'm a gentleman like that.

I gave her a few orgasms in the shower before carrying her to the bed to retrieve a condom to finish things off. That's one thing I don't play about. We're always safe. Even though she is on the pill, the last thing I need is to bring a baby into this f*cked up life of mine. Maybe one day, but that is so far in the future it doesn't even register on radar.

The sex is always amazing with Jesse. Her body was made for me. Every curve of her small frame is nothing short of spectacular. For a girl who is so shy in other aspects, Jesse is not afraid to tell me how she wants it in the bed. I roll on a condom and she tosses her inhibitions out the window. Fully clothed, she still blushes when I tell her what I want to do, but once she's naked she gives as well as she takes. All I can see is Jesse, which is why what happened later that night confused the hell out of me.

"Stop!" I yell as she straddles my lap, tickling my over sensitive stomach.

"Say it."

"No, I'm not ticklish. I'm a f*cking man!" She continues laughing as I squirm underneath her.

"Say it, Brett. I'm not stopping until you say it."

I have no idea who she thinks she is. The only reason all one-hundred pounds of her is still sitting on top of me is because I like the way she feels naked sitting on my stomach, still wet for me. She reaches back and teasingly drags her nails up my sides causing me shout.

"Sarah, stop!" The entire world stops turning. I immediately go still and I'm not even sure if Jesse is breathing.

"You just called me Sarah," she says so quietly, I can barely decipher the words from breaths. I know exactly what she said though. I have two ears. I heard the name come out of my mouth. I look up to see her sitting frozen staring down with the sparkle of tears forming in her eyes.

"What? No I didn't!" I laugh. We both know it's a lie, but I can't help the fact that I say it anyway.

Staring into her eyes I can see her gears turning as she tries to figure out her next move. I know I need to say something. I don't have an explanation though. I have no idea why Sarah’s name flew out of my mouth in that moment. But like the true dumb ass that I am, I just lie still and wait for her reaction.

Finally after a few minutes of silence, she screams, "Shit, I knew it! You still love her!" She jumps out of bed and begins whirling around the room grabbing random clothing as she goes. Damn, I really should have said something before her mind went there.

"Jesse, get back here."

Her eyes are wild, looking like she just woke from a horrible nightmare. It's hard to tell though if she is genuinely hurt or just downright pissed that I would say something so off the charts stupid.

"Are you kidding me? You just called me your wife's name. In bed. Oh God, that makes it sound even worse. She isn't even your ex-wife." She's talking a mile a minute, working herself into more of a frenzy. "Christ, how is this even happening right now? Damn it, where is my bra?!" She screams the last sentence as if it's the punctuation to her rage.

"Jesse, STOP!" Wrapping the sheet around my waist, I cautiously step in her direction, afraid that if I move too fast she'll bolt. I gently grab her wrists as she frantically tries to pull her shirt over her head, apparently giving up on finding the bra all together.

"I need to go." She pulls away snatching her hands out of my grasp while backing towards the door. She doesn't get far before I grab her perfectly curved waist, letting my fingers splay across to her back. God, I'd give anything just to get her back in bed.

"Please don't do this, Jess. It just came out. I'm sorry...I-" I trail off mumbling something about how it means absolutely nothing. But I'm not really sure what it means at all.

"You're still in love with her." It's not a question, it's a declaration of fact, and just enough to push me over the edge of rational thinking. I should be apologizing to her, but something inside me snaps. Using her to replace Sarah isn't just her worst fear, it's mine as well.

"What do you want me to say? That I've never been with a woman before you? For f*ck sake, you know I can't tell you that!" I yell as she stands perfectly still, startled by my sudden outburst. She's oblivious to why the verbal shit stick she just poked me with has lit me on fire. I can see the hurt and confusion in her eyes, but I can't find it in myself to care right now.

Still wrapped in a sheet, I start pacing the room feeling trapped for the very first time since Jesse landed in my bed. Call me crazy, but I don't want to sit here and hash out my feelings like it's a god damned therapy session. I want to walk across the room, wrap her soft body in my arms and pretend this never happened. Maybe take her back to the room, lay her across the bed and bury myself to the hilt, losing myself inside her. At the rate I'm going, I'll be impressed if she ever lets me touch her again. But again, like a dumb ass, I say nothing else.