By Your Side(66)

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because I didn’t want you to treat me different.”

He nodded back toward the door. “You wanted us to treat you the same?”

I laughed a little. “I thought I did. But I guess not.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I should’ve told you. I should’ve told everybody.”

He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you for the last fifteen minutes. Lisa wanted to come too. She was worried about you.” He met my eyes, his soft and questioning. “Should I have let her?”

“No. We need to talk.” I couldn’t put this off anymore.

“Is this about Dax Miller?”

“Dax is . . . was . . . a good friend. I had hoped for more. I care about him. But he’s not into me like that.”

“So I’m second choice?”

“No. Jeff, you know I care about you, but not like that.”

He laughed, which surprised me. “Ouch. So I’m no choice at all.”

His ever-present smile was on, and I couldn’t tell if it was to hide his hurt or if this really wasn’t affecting him at all.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“I want to throw a major tantrum right now because I really want you to like me.”

“But?”

“But that would be ungrateful of me. You’ve given up a lot of time for me over the past several weeks. My mom told me how much you’d been by and how much you helped. So even though I wish you liked me as much as you like Dax, I’m going to be a big person, swallow my pride and hurt, and tell you to go be happy . . . after I kiss you.”

“Tha—wait, what?”

“If you’ll let me, of course. We’ve flirted around our feelings for months now and I just want to see if it would seal the deal for me at all. I’m an exceptional kisser.”

“I . . .” Was he being serious? I couldn’t tell with Jeff. We had flirted for months, and maybe it would help. Liking Jeff would make my life so much easier. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Wouldn’t that just make things weird?”

“What if I promise not to be weird after?”

More rules. And it seemed like none of them had stuck. I knew I didn’t owe this to Jeff, but maybe I owed it to myself. So that I never looked back and wondered what would have happened if I had.

He closed his eyes and I moved forward to meet him, then stopped. This wasn’t what I wanted. I was doing it again, trying to make someone else happy. We were so close that I had to put my finger on his lips to stop the kiss. “I can’t,” I whispered. “I don’t want this.”

He rested his forehead on mine instead. “It was worth a try.”

I backed away.

His eyes went over my shoulder, locking on something behind me. I looked as well but only saw the still-open door and his empty wheelchair.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It . . .” He shook his head. “Nothing. It was nothing.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know what I wanted until now. And that I’ve been jerking you around for months,” I said, remembering what Dallin had told me before.

“Jerking me around?” he asked. “You weren’t. I think we were both testing our feelings. You just seemed to go the opposite way as me.”

I stared at him in front of me, so tall and strong and steady. “I’m glad you’re better, Jeff.”

“Me too.”

“Still friends?”

“Of course,” he said. “You think our other friends would leave the basketball game early with us to get milk shakes?”

“I think our friends do anything you say.”

“I thought so too, but you kind of proved that theory wrong tonight.” He smiled at me. “Or I can take you home. Would you rather go home?”

I thought about that, analyzed how I felt. A weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders and chest, and I felt better than I had in a while. “No, I want to go to Iceberg.”

An hour later we were all sitting around a long table eating our shakes and fries at Iceberg. I tapped my cup on the table to get everyone’s attention. “Sorry I didn’t tell you all.”

Lisa put her hand on my arm. “You should’ve. We love you no matter what.” The rest of my friends called out saying various versions of that sentiment.

“Thank you.” It was hard to remember what I’d been so scared of. Being treated differently? Lack of acceptance? I was the one who hadn’t accepted myself for who I was. I was the one who needed to be comfortable in my own skin. I hoped I could do that moving forward.

Lisa cleared her throat from beside me and said under her breath, “Look who just walked in.”

I did look. It was Dax. I was stuck in the middle of the table on the bench side, unable to get out. Not that I was anxious to.

Dax walked by where the nine of us were sitting and up to the register.

“I have a confession to make,” Jeff said quietly from my other side.

“What?”

“He saw us earlier in the greenhouse.”

“What?”

“When we almost kissed. He probably thought we did kiss from that angle. I thought I was protecting you by not saying anything.”