By Your Side(39)

I took a sip of my Dr Pepper. “I thought it started snowing right when you got there.”

She pursed her lips to the side in thought. “It was probably like twenty minutes after we got there.”

“Oh.” I wouldn’t let that hurt my feelings. With Jeff scaring people and the snow, it was understandable why they might not have noticed I wasn’t there. “I didn’t hear the rest of this story. What happened after that? After you left?”

“Well, Lisa said you probably went down with Jeff so we should go on without you. I wasn’t sure why you would, but I kind of guessed, you know?”

I nodded.

“And then we drove up to the cabin. At like two o’clock in the morning your parents called Lisa asking if you were there. I guess that was right after the police found your stuff in Jeff’s car. They were destroyed.”

I looked at my feet. I didn’t really need to imagine that part again.

“The roads were too icy to drive that night, but we left as soon as we could the next morning and spent the next two days searching the river for you.” She grabbed my hand. “It was awful, Autumn.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know you didn’t want this party but it really was a big deal for all of us. Dallin, Zach, Lisa, Morgan, Connor, and probably a bunch of these people that you don’t even know were out there looking for you.” My hurt feelings morphed into shame. She was right. I was moping in the corner, feeling sorry for myself that my amazing friends wanted to throw me a party, and half these people had been searching the river for me. I needed to find Dallin and tell him thank you.

Lisa stepped in front of us before I could move. “Two days in a row,” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“This is like a record or something.”

“What are you talking about?” Avi asked.

“Dax Miller.”

“He’s here?” Avi asked.

My heart dropped to my feet.

Lisa moved to the side and I immediately saw him across the room. It took me several deep breaths to realize he wasn’t alone. A girl I didn’t recognize, with choppy black hair, stood next to him. She was saying something to him and he was leaning close and nodding. His expression didn’t seem hard like it had the last time he was talking to me.

Lisa lowered her voice as if he could somehow hear her from all the way across the room with the music at full blast. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dax at a party. I wonder what he’s doing here.”

“Someone probably invited him.” Who, though?

“Should I tell Dallin to put away any valuables?” Avi asked.

I gasped and shot her a look.

“What?” Avi asked. “He’s been in juvie. Who knows what for.”

I had nearly forgotten how people talked about Dax. It was just talk before I knew him, but now it felt like an attack. “I don’t think he’s ever stolen anything. I thought he was in juvie for beating up someone who totally deserved it.”

“I heard he beat up some freshman kid for looking at him wrong,” Lisa said.

“He did not.”

Lisa nudged me with her elbow. “How do you know? Did you become a Dax expert in the library? Was there a Dax section?” She laughed a little, but when I didn’t join her she stopped suddenly. “Wait . . . did you?”

“Sort of. I—” The music stopped right in the middle of a song, and silence took over the room.

Dallin ran down the stairs yelling, “Autumn! Autumn! Has anyone seen Autumn?”

Lisa took my arm and raised it up in the air. “She’s over here.”

Dread was slowly pouring down my body from the top of my head, filling in every space down to my toes. “What does he want?” I asked.

“Who knows? It’s Dallin.”

That’s what worried me.

“It’s time for your speech!” he said.

When he arrived in front of me, I said, “Dallin, you are awesome, and thank you for this party, seriously. But don’t make me give a speech.”

He smiled. “That was a good try, but everyone in the room needs to hear that.” Zach was at his side and they muscled me onto their shoulders, the whole time calling out, “Speech! Speech! Speech!”

I gripped their shoulders, afraid I’d fall off backward if they turned too fast. What Avi had just told me circled in my mind. Be grateful, I told myself. Don’t be a baby. You can handle this. Don’t think about it so much. Just because my mind said it didn’t mean my body listened. My heart immediately jumped into high gear. I needed to say something, anything, so they’d let me down. I swallowed the fire that was burning up my throat and said, “It’s so great not to be dead.” Everyone cheered. “You guys are the best! Now let’s party!” Dallin and Zach bounced me up and down and someone turned the music back on. I closed my eyes. Then finally I felt the floor beneath my feet. I opened my eyes and pushed my way through bodies and hands until I made it upstairs and outside.

It was freezing, which meant there would only be a few others out there. I walked until I couldn’t see anyone, to the very back of Dallin’s property, behind a shed. I bent over because I thought I was going to be sick, but nothing happened. My forehead was slick with sweat and I wiped it away, then leaned up against the shed. This wasn’t normal—this many episodes so close together. Normally my medicine kept me pretty level. I knew it was the extreme amount of stress I’d been under lately. Something had to give. I needed an outlet.