By Your Side(44)

“Rule number four.”

He laughed a little. “Okay.”

“Just a distraction,” I said, straightening up and backing away from him. I smiled. “A really good one.”

He grabbed hold of my wrist, keeping me from moving farther away. “Just a distraction?”

I nodded. “We can make rule number five ‘No Attachments’ if you’re worried.”

Dax smiled and pulled me close again.

Mr. Peterson was true to his word and kicked me out right at eight thirty with a loud throat clearing as he walked down the hall, then a quick knock and a “Free time over.” I grabbed the empty bakery bag, crumpled it into a ball, and said, “Thanks. See you later.”

I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to know if Dax regretted our new arrangement. It didn’t matter. He needed a friend right now, whether he wanted to admit it or not. And so did I, someone to get my mind off everything when I was feeling stressed. But my real commitment, my focus, needed to be on Jeff and helping him recover. This would work out perfectly.





CHAPTER 29


I got to school a little early the next day and waited in the parking lot for Dallin to arrive. He always parked in the same place, in the back row, facing out. I watched him as he backed into the spot. He reached over to the passenger seat, grabbed his backpack, and stepped out of the car. I did too. I had to make things right with Dallin. Not only had he been Jeff’s friend forever, but in the last several months, I’d felt like we had become friends too. I didn’t like him being mad at me.

“Hey,” I said, holding up my fist for a bump.

He just stared at it and I let my hand fall to my side. He did manage a “Hi,” though, as he continued to walk.

I fell into step beside him. “Dallin, I didn’t ask to see him. I’m sorry. His mom told me you were her top choice of visitors but she was worried about the jokes you might play.” There was nothing wrong with a little white lie in the face of hurt feelings, right?

“Nice,” he said. Not the reaction I was hoping for.

“Are you upset that you haven’t been able to see him or are you upset that I have?”

“Both.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t think you’re right for him. Jeff thought otherwise, so he asked me to try with you. And I have, I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying even harder since he’s been in there, hoping he could somehow sense it, or at least the universe would take notice. But I still don’t feel like you’re right for him. You’ve been messing with his head for months now.”

“Messing with his head?”

“It’s true. You don’t care. You’re constantly disappearing. Running off. Making Jeff chase you. I threw a party for you and you disappeared. It’s like you think you’re too good for us.”

My mouth dropped open in shock, no words coming to me at first. That’s how my anxiety was perceived by my friends? They thought I thought I was too good for them? “No, I don’t. At all. I have other issues, but I’ve never thought that. Never.”

I needed to swallow my pride and explain more, tell him about my anxiety disorder, but it’s like he didn’t hear me because he kept going. “He’s always looking for you, chasing after you. Sneaking off with you. Just like he did at the bonfire.”

“I wasn’t at the bonfire. I never showed up. You guys left me in the library.”

“But if you didn’t have a history of disappearing . . .”

“He still would’ve left. Like you all did.”

“But after you were discovered at the library and I found out you hadn’t been at the bonfire, I realized he was chasing after you. And if he hadn’t been, he wouldn’t have been in such a big hurry. He would’ve been more careful.”

My heart seemed to stop in my chest. “You think him being in the hospital is my fault?”

“I’m just saying . . .”

I stopped walking, my eyes stinging. He pivoted slightly, gave me a shoulder shrug, and kept walking. I stood there in the middle of the parking lot watching him go.

It took me a couple of minutes to decide if I was going to stay at school or get back in my car, drive home, and crawl into bed. At home I would dwell on Dallin’s words all day long. They would circle around and around in my brain. I needed to talk to Lisa, to Avi and Morgan. Make sure Dallin was the only one who felt this way.

But in the meantime, I needed a distraction. Someone who I didn’t have to talk about this problem with. Someone who I knew for sure didn’t feel this way about me.

I found him by the buses with ten minutes to spare before school started. “Dax,” I called out to him.

He nodded.

“Hey, can we talk? Can I talk to you?” I asked, breathless.

“Uh . . .” He looked at the students surrounding us.

I looked around as well, for somewhere more private if that’s what he needed. The greenhouse was the closest building, rarely used in the winter. Without another word I headed there and hoped he’d follow. I also hoped it was unlocked. It was and he did. I stepped inside.

It was warmer, the air humid and smelling of soil. Rows of black planter boxes filled with mostly yellowing plants lined the tables.