Broken Girl(66)

I waited for the voice in my head to argue back. Tell me that I’m just a f*cked up person, a worthless person, someone who didn’t deserve to take up space in this world, but there was no argument, no mean words that f*cked with my self-esteem. Relief washed over me when I sat up and saw that Key was the only one at the gravesite. A weight lifted from my shoulders, finally I was getting my moment alone with my dead best friend safely locked in a dark wooden casket.

I opened my door and regained the confidence to go up and give my last regards when the driver’s side door flung open.

“Close the door.” A voice startled me.

Shane slipped into the driver’s seat shutting his door behind him before he stretched his long thick arm across and grabbed the handle of my door and shut it.

“What the f*ck, Sha—”

“Stop. Just don’t say anything.”

“What? Who the hell do you think you are?”

“I’m the man who loves you. I’m your man.”

“No you’re not.”

“Oh, sweetheart, yes I am, you just don’t know it yet. But that’s all about to change.”

His answer caught me off guard. Shane never talked like that before.

“You can’t be my man unless I let you, and as far as I can see you’re still with Martie.”

“You can see whatever the hell you want to see, but the truth is, I’ve tried to come in slow, tried to take off slow, I’ve tried to take my time and I’ve tried to back away and give you time. I’m done trying.”

“Good, you should be. I’ve told you, nothing can come of us. I’m no good for you.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that, but you see, I’m not going to try anymore. I’m going to do something about it.”

“Oh, yeah, what are you going to do? What are you willing to give up for me?”

“I’m not giving up anything for you. You and I both know that’s not what you're asking from me. I know you're scared. I know you look at me and you feel everything that you’ve had to bury deep your entire life. But that’s not a reason.”

“No? What’s the reason? Why, tell me, ‘cause I just can’t seem to figure out why you won’t just give up on me.”

“Because I know what scares you.”

Our eyes met, his soul yearned for me. His intentions raged behind his big brown orbs and I could feel my protective walls being built between us. He pushed open the driver’s door and stepped out before he leaned down and we looked at each other.

“I know you have a lot of things to think about right now, but being afraid to love me back shouldn’t be one of them.” He shut the door and I was closed off again. This time by him. I watched as he got into his car and drove away. I sat there for several surreal moments. Trying to process what had just happened, how the power shifted between us and suddenly I was left even more broken than before.

My phone chimed with a text from Briggs.

BRIGGS: COME ON ROSIE, IT’S TIME. THEY ARE BURYING HER SOON.

I slipped my phone back into my purse, left it in the car and headed up the grassy hill to say goodbye to my lifeless roommate, Sybil.

I watched as they lowered the beautiful wooden casket into the ground. I didn’t relate to the idea that Sybil’s body was in there. Not seeing her lying in the casket gave me the ability to fake like this was just some drama I was watching on TV. But when they hit a snag while lowering Sybil into the six-foot-deep hole it didn’t feel like in the movies anymore. I decided I’d seen enough, I’d cried enough and I’d paid respect to her. It was enough. I looked over at Briggs and told him I was okay to leave now. We didn’t wait around for the gravediggers to shovel from the huge pile of freshly dug up earth. I turned away and never looked back.

Briggs drove me back to my apartment. We barely talked. I didn’t tell him what Shane said to me, before I went up to say goodbye to Sybil. I didn’t think he really needed to know, besides I knew it would just give him the idea that I was going to allow Shane to save me.

“Did you need me to come up for a wee bit, Rosie?”

I thought about his offer and even though it was only noon, and I was exhausted I decided I just wanted to hang out in my apartment by myself and face life tomorrow after I had a clearer head and an idea of what I was going to do.

“Thanks Key, but I think I’m gonna call it a day. I’m pretty tired and I have a lot of things I need to take care of.”

“Well, you know I can help you.”

“I know, and I appreciate your offer.”

“You just say, and I’ll be there.”

He parked in the yellow loading and unloading zone right in front of my building. He helped me out of his SUV. I clung to him, we hugged like we knew it was going to be the last time we’d see each other for a long time. He comfortably consumed my body in his embrace, I felt so desperate and safe at the same time.

“Well, Rosie gir’, I’m so sorry ‘bout Sybil. I wish I could have saved her,” Kean whispered breathless across the top of my head.

“Key, you did everything you could.” My voice dissolved into his black dress jacket.

“Please, think ‘bout what we talked ‘bout. I know you have your reasons, but, I don’t have it in me to lose you.”