Blindness(81)

“Charlie, open up,” I’m brought back instantly by his whisper. He’s here, just outside the door, and I feel my heart speed up. I’m not ready. I can’t do this! “Seriously, hurry. Open up, Trevor’s talking to Gabe.”

I flick the lock on the door, and Cody quickly slips inside, locking it behind him. His lips find mine the second the door closes, and he’s pushing me against the sink with his need and want. It’s only been a few hours, but I’ve missed him so much. And somewhere, in his kiss, I find my cry.

“Charlie, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Cody says, inspecting my face, touching me tenderly. He’s killing me, and I’m dreading what I have to do.

“I’m not leaving Trevor,” I say it quickly, like pulling off a Band-Aid. They say it doesn’t hurt when it’s fast, but I feel like I’ve been stabbed, gutted to the core, from the look on Cody’s face. His eyes are still, and he’s not breathing. “Cody, I can’t…you don’t understand. But I…I can’t.”

I want to tell him everything, just so he’ll understand. But I know if Cody knew the entire story, I know if he knew about Jim and his threats, he’d get himself in trouble. I reach for him out of instinct, but he rejects me, slapping away my hand.

“No,” he says. “Just…don’t. God, don’t touch me.”

He turns to face the door, and I reach out to him again, but just before I touch him, he punches the door hard, splintering a panel and knocking it loose from the lock, the door popping open.

“Cody, don’t…don’t hurt yourself,” I say, the tears pouring down my face now.

“Hurt myself?” he says, his whisper almost a shout. “Are you seriously worried about me hurting myself? Fuck, Charlie—I can’t possibly hurt myself any more than you did just now. I told you…I said there was no going back for me. I meant it, Charlie. I f*cking love you! Was this all…what? Like, some joke? Were you just living out some fantasy?”

“No! Cody, no…I love you. So much!” I’m desperate for him to understand. But there is nothing I can say. He’s standing there, looking me in the eyes, trying to form his next words, but nothing comes. “I love you…but I can’t leave Trevor.”

He’s gone—the door now crooked on its hinges in his wake. My body is quaking, and I’m stuck in this dark bathroom, hidden only a few feet and a small thin wall away from my prison. The man I love, probably the only man who will ever live up to the legacy Mac left behind, hates me—I just made sure of that. I made him love me, then I crushed him body and soul. I’d be sick if I could move, but I’m too numb.

“Charlie, you coming?” I hear Trevor’s voice echo down the hall. I take in my surroundings, the shards of wood, and the mess Cody left behind, and I know Trevor can’t see any of this.

“Be right there. Just had to go to the bathroom,” I yell, taking in a deep breath and forcing myself to suck my emotions away. I lift the collar of my sweatshirt up to my eyes, blotting them, and hoping they’re not as red as they feel. I practice my smile, but every time I try, I feel the sting in my eyes again.

“Come on, Charlie. Come on. You can do this; you have to. Mac, please…please help me,” I say to myself. I open my eyes again, and this time I’m able to hold my face. When I exit the hallway, Cody is nowhere to be seen, and Gabe is back under the car. Trevor is pacing in the driveway, on the phone. I look around to the office and see Jessie, and she’s angry. I know Cody told her—she probably saw him right after I told him, and I feel sick that I also let Jessie down. I’m ashamed, but this is the way it has to be, and Cody can never know.

“Fantastic. Yeah, we’ll see you there!” Trevor says as he tucks his phone back into his coat pocket.

“Hey, Gabe…whatcha doing tomorrow night?” Trevor says. I’m still lost in my own thoughts enough to fully follow him.

“I got nothing. Just me and this Ford chassis. But she can wait…why, whadaya got going on?” Gabe says, looking to Jessie to try to get her attention.

“My buddy Kevin just got the suite for the Browns game. You want in? Free food and drink—you just need to pay for parking,” Trevor says, and I see Gabe’s face light up.

“Hells yeah, man. That’s f*ckin’ awesome!” Gabe says, looking in Jessie’s direction again while he whispers “just me?”

“Nah, man. We’re all going. It’s a suite!” Trevor says, and my mind races forward. All of us—that means all of us.

“Hey, Jess. You hear that?” Gabe yells.

“Hear what?” she spits back, not looking up, and I know it’s because of me.

“We’re going to the Browns game tomorrow—sitting in the suite!” Gabe hollers, following it up with a loud hoot.

“Fuck yeah, we are,” Jessie says, her attention now completely on Gabe and her face full of excitement. Then she settles on me. “Cody, you hear?”

I freeze, my eyes wide and looking at her, knowing that she’s trying to make me feel the discomfort—trying to punish me.

“What?” Cody says, and I can tell he’s only a few feet behind me. I hear the clank of tools on the table, and I turn slowly to look at them. I can’t look him in the eye; I won’t—but I stare at his hands. I notice the word promise first, and it feels like I’ve just cut myself, knowing that I broke mine to him.