Because (Seven Year Itch #4)(42)
Chapter 20
The pain is never ending. One week turns into a month, and before I know it I’m getting used to this new lifestyle change. I’ve lost a total of thirty six pounds, and still work out each morning before starting my day, the only difference is that I do it from the comfort of my living room. Since I’m not staying at my parents I have to be close to Aberdeen at all times. I feel better about myself, however learning to love every part of me is still a challenge. Something is missing in my life, and though I search for the answer, I can’t seem to come up with any sort of solution.
I’m lonely all the time. I cry more than ever before. I’m scared to open up to people, and rarely go anywhere to socialize.
I don’t want to consider myself single. I can’t imagine dating again. Maybe it’s just too early and with time my opinions will change. I don’t see how it’s possible when my heart still belongs to Brandon.
According to Maryland State law, it’s required to be separated for an entire year before I’m able to file for divorce. Brandon and I have stopped fighting. In fact, ever since I told him our marriage was over he’s been distant. I wouldn’t say he’s purposely shutting me out. It’s more like being around each other only makes us upset, so we avoid it at all costs. It’s getting easier to move forward, but I miss him. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. We spent seven years being married and now he’s not in my life. After more than a month of living apart, we’ve gotten into a good routine where we don’t have to see each other. He drops her off on Saturday and picks her up from school on Wednesday. A few times he got out of his car and waved to me through the window, but that’s as close as we’ve come to being in close proximity. Sometimes I pretend we have a restraining order we have to abide by. It’s silly, but feels better than accepting he can’t stand being near me without regret.
I don’t want hard feelings between us. I’m just as much at fault as he is. Since a bit of time has passed, I often wonder if he was telling me the truth about the girl I caught in our house, though I’ve never once asked about it. The damage was done way before that anyway.
Apart from my normal responsibilities of being a parent, I’ve maintained a friendship with Char. She’s been there for me when I felt like my life was falling apart. I can tell her things I’m not comfortable talking about with my father, and most especially my mom.
When I don’t have Aberdeen it’s hard to sit around the house and remember all the moments I shared with Brandon here. I miss making him dinner, and how he’d always want to shower before we ate. Most of all I miss him being next to me when I go to sleep. It’s funny, when he used to pass out on the couch I didn’t mind it as much, but knowing he’s never going to fill that spot again kills me. It would be easy to take back my life, but more difficult to let go of everything else.
I wonder how people dealt with this back in the day when divorce and separation were frowned upon. Did affairs get swept under the rug? If no one talked about it, did it mean it never happened? I’m not saying an affair ruined my marriage. If Brandon cheated on me I didn’t have enough proof to justify the drastic measure I took to leave him. Sure, I suspected he wasn’t being honest. I even thought he might have a secret life I didn’t know about, but nothing had been proven.
None of that matters anymore. The damage has been done, and now we’re left with an irreparable reality neither of us can deny.
My father, being the man he is, stops by as much as he can without making me feel smothered. He wants me to take some college courses focusing on nutritional fitness management, claiming I could make more money doing something I’ve become so interested in. I’m seriously thinking about it, because sitting at home when Aberdeen isn’t there is downright killing me.
Getting pregnant in high school ruined my plans of going to college. Brandon promised he could provide for us and for a while it worked. Now that I’m on my own I know I can’t rely on a part-time job at Target to pay for groceries and other necessities we may need. When it comes to Aberdeen, Brandon is good about providing for whatever she needs or wants. He spoils her, probably a lot more now than when we were together. Sometimes I think he does it to win her affection. I’m obviously a terrible judge of character, so it’s best I keep my assumptions to myself. He always said I put words in his mouth. The new me is trying my best to avoid such actions.
Another week rolls by before I get a hair up my ass and crave a change. I’m bored and think a new look will liven me up. Char takes me to her favorite salon an hour across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I splurge and go for something I’ve never been able to afford before.
Three hours and two hundred and twenty bucks later I’m staring into a mirror at a complete stranger. Sure, I’ve lost a ton of weight and started wearing different clothing, but this is the icing on the cake. I’m blonde. Wavy layers are done throughout my length. The beautician has even shown me a better way to apply my makeup. I’m stunning, and for the first time in as long as I can remember I feel absolutely beautiful.
It’s then when Char decides we’re going out to celebrate my new look. I detest nightclubs, but am resolved to do whatever she thinks will show me off. As soon as we walk into the first bar I can feel eyes on me. At first I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, up until a handsome gentleman looking to be in his early twenties walks right up to me and asks me to dance.