Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three(8)

I almost throw up. Mandy is not as fortunate. She pukes all over the floor.

“There,” Rolanda says, tossing the head against the wall behind her with a thud as the headless body slides to the floor. “Now I’m the f*cking Captain. And I authorize you to land this Goddamn, motherf*cking, cocksucking, titty f*cking, piece of shit, spacecraft!”

Tin Tom just stares at her blankly. “It’s spaceship,” he corrects.

This time, he’s on his own. I’m not holding that she-beast Rolanda back anymore. But to my surprise, she just slumps down onto the chair and laughs. She laughs and laughs, each one coming out stronger than the last. Shit. She’s lost her mind.

“Tom will instruct you how to dock the spaceship onto that planet,” he says and we all perk up, including Mandy who’s bent over after she puked a second time. “A recovery beacon will be planted for Emperor Rsordan.”

“No recovery beacon,” Rolanda snaps. I place my hand on her arm and give her a look. We can figure that part out later. Right now, we just have to get to the ground.

My throat is burning and my eyes watering from the sour stench of the dead bodies in the small cockpit. I got to get off of this f*cking ship.

Rolanda and I each take a seat at the controls as Tin Tom rolls up between us, blinking away. Mandy stays against the wall and watches. There’s a dead alien in the third seat and she doesn’t look like she’s about to move it.

The robot gives us detailed instructions and soon we’re turning towards the colorful planet. Driving the spaceship is not so hard once you get used to it. I guess if a praying mantis can fly it, a human can too.

A few minutes later, we’re cruising through the atmosphere and I can actually see vegetation and water down below. At least we’re not landing on some barren planet where we’ll starve to death. I want to tell all of the girls in the back that we’re almost on solid land but I’m needed here.

“Hit that blue lever,” Tin Tom instructs and Rolanda pulls it until it clicks. The entire ship shakes like crazy as a deafening metal crunching sound burns my ears.

“What the heck is that?” I yell over the tearing noise as I almost vibrate off my seat.

The sound stops and just like that it’s eerily quiet, the spaceship smoothly gliding through the sky once again. “That was the release of the cargo hold,” Tin Tom says.

My stomach drops. “The cargo hold with all of the other women in it?”

“Yes,” he says flatly.

My chest tightens as I shift in my seat, feeling my forehead break out into a nervous sweat. “Why would you do that?” I scream. “What’s going to happen to them? Are they going to die?”

Tin Tom blinks. “The likelihood of them surviving a landing without the lead ship is roughly three percent.”

“Why would you release them?” I yell. Mandy just cries behind me. Rolanda is staring out the windshield with her game face on.

“Releasing the cargo hold increases our chances of survival by 0.0006 percent,” Tin Tom answers.

I drop my head. “That’s so f*cked up,” I whisper.

“This whole thing is f*cked up,” Rolanda says. “Everyone who we’ve ever known is dead. What’s an extra twenty people?”

She’s got a point. But still, I feel bad.

Tin Tom guides us the rest of the way and we steer towards a valley with bright green grass with patches of pink dotted throughout it. We land hard.

Mandy flies through the air and lands on the headless corpse of our once animated pilot. She begins a new round of puking. Now I definitely have to get off of this ship.

Tin Tom tells Rolanda to flick a few switches and the engine shuts down. It’s eerily quiet without the hum of the engine or the purple electricity shit or whatever it was that was propelling the ship.

There’s a loud hiss and the doors slowly open behind us. I hold my breath waiting for my head to explode or something but I can’t hold off for long and close my eyes as I inhale.

It’s oxygen.

I let my head fall back against the seat and take a deep breath of the cool fresh air flowing in. The three of us step up to the door and gulp as we look out at the spectacular valley in front of us.

I take the first step out and let out a huge breath when the ground doesn’t swallow me up whole. It’s good old-fashioned dirt. There are low mountains on either side of the valley and besides the vibrant colors everywhere, it looks a lot like earth.

Well, except for the six moons in the sky, the dozens of meteors hurtling through the sky, and the fact that there’s no Starbucks, yoga classes, or any other cool shit.

Rolanda jumps up and down with her fists in the air. “I’m the MMA champion of the planet!” she hollers.

“Are you?” Mandy asks.

Rolanda grins. “On this planet I am.”

Both Mandy and I take a step back. We’re not about to challenge her for her made up title.

“Welcome to Zandipor,” Tin Tom says as he rolls up to the open door of the spaceship.

“Zandipor?” I ask, turning back to the blinking robot. That doesn’t sound too bad.

“Yes, Zandipor,” he repeats. “Land of the dinosaurs.”

Wait. Did he just say freaking dinosaurs?!?





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