Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three(7)

“I got him,” I say as I rush into the cockpit. Mandy is standing as close to the wall as she can with a pale face. If she got any closer to the wall she’d be absorbed into it.

“Great,” Rolanda says, still at the controls, “because I can’t figure any of these squiggly lines out.”

The buttons on the lit-up dashboard are covered with alien writing. It looks like a toddler scribbled all over them.

Tin Tom lights up, blinking like a defective Christmas tree when he sees the three aliens lying on the floor. “You have incapacitated the pilots of this spaceship,” he says, his crackling voice higher than normal. “That was very rude.”

“Get us home,” Rolanda snaps at him. “Now!”

Tin Tom beeps once. “We are headed home,” he says. “The beloved Emperor Rsordan’s new palace is your new home.”

“Our old home!” she snaps, looking like she’s about to show us Tin Tom’s insides. “Earth! Now!”

He just blinks. “We are headed to the Europa galaxy to-”

“Avery,” Rolanda hisses. “Close the door.”

I hit the red button that’s out of Tin Tom’s reach and the doors slam shut.

Tin Tom spins from me to Rolanda and then back to me. “That was inappropriate.”

Rolanda slams her fist onto the dashboard with a crash. “You want to see inappropriate?” she asks, standing up with her broad shoulders thrust back and her hands clenched into fists. The thick vein in her neck looks like it’s about to pop.

“How’s this for inappropriate?” She grabs the slumped body of the praying mantis-like alien and smashes his head onto the dashboard over and over again.

“Yes,” Tin Tom says, blinking as he watches. “That is very inappropriate as well.”

Rolanda smashes the bug’s head into the control panel one more time and the cockpit lights up in a red glow. A warning alarm triggers and Mandy screams. I turn around and she has her eyes squeezed closed with her hands over her ears.

Alien clicking sounds come on over the speakers and Rolanda drops the pilot that she’s holding in her hands. He slides to the floor looking deader than dead.

“What’s going on?” she asks, stepping towards Tin Tom. He glides away from her on his wheels and bumps into the closed door. Her muscular arms are flexed as she grabs him. “What. Is. Happening?”

Tin Tom blinks. “The anti-matter compressor is broken,” he says. “Interplanetary travel has been rendered incapacitated. I told you that was inappropriate.”

Rolanda leaps at the robot and I jump between them. “Easy. Easy!” I quickly spit out with my palms up. “I know you want to kill him but he’s the only one who can get us home. We need him.”

“I don’t want to kill him,” she says, glaring down at the robot. “I want to rewire him and turn him into a toilet.”

Tin Tom just blinks.

“Tom,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm. “Can you please take us home?”

“Beyond the bounds of possibility,” he says. “The anti-matter compressor is broken.”

I’m afraid to ask the next question because I’m terrified of the answer. “Can you fix it?”

“Yes,” he says and all three of us take a sigh of relief. “It can be repaired with a flortine reducer.”

“Great,” I say, feeling lighter than I have since this whole thing started. “Where can we find it?”

Tin Tom blinks. “In the Europa galaxy.”

My stomach rolls and I suddenly have a hard time breathing. “There’s not one on the ship?”

“Negative,” he answers. “A flortine reducer is four times the size of this spacecraft. Carrying one on board would be ludicrous.”

“You’re ludicrous!” Rolanda screams, leaping forward. Once again I throw myself between them. As annoying as he is, we still need him. He’s our only hope, which isn’t saying much for our chances.

I hear a thump on metal and I turn to see Mandy shaking her hand with a look of pain on her face. “Fuck, that hurt,” she yells as she shakes it out. “Stupid f*cking robot.”

“Fine,” I say, turning back to Tin Tom. “Land us until we can figure it out.” I have to get off of this f*cking nightmare of a ship.

“The Europa galaxy is four million light years in distance,” he explains. “And our anti-matter compressor is broken. Tom has said that twice already. You earthling women aren’t very smart.”

“There!” Rolanda says, pointing out of the windshield to the brown planet in the distance. “Land us there.”

Tin Tom blinks defiantly. “I am not authorized to land this ship.”

“I’m authorizing you,” Rolanda says, pointing at her chest.

“You are not the captain of the ship,” Tin Tom responds. “You cannot give authorization.”

Rolanda clenches her jaw in frustration. She grabs the unconscious alien off of the floor and throws him against the control panel. “Watch this you tin piece of crap.”

My stomach heaves and my skin tightens as I watch the scene before me. Rolanda places her foot on the bug’s chest and grabs his head with both hands. Her forearms are flexed and strained as she grunts, pulling with all of her might. The crackling and popping sounds make my stomach turns and I almost throw up when she rips the bug’s head off of its body.