Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three(6)

I swallow hard. My throat is so tight. “I took a Tae Bo class once,” I say as I shyly raise my hand.

“Just one class?” she asks, holding my gaze.

“Yeah,” I mutter. “I stopped because I had to take two buses to get there.”

Rolanda is just staring blankly at me, looking like she’s at a loss for words. “Seriously?” she asks, not looking too impressed.

“What?” I ask with a defensive shrug. “It was two buses.”

She just shakes her head and places her palm over the button. “Wait!” Mandy whispers in a panic. “Are you sure about this?”

Rolanda shakes her head with a fierce look that makes me feel so weak in comparison. “No, I’m not sure,” she hisses. “But if I’m going out, I’m going out fighting.”

Well, that makes one of us because if I’m going out, I’m going out screaming while crouched in the fetal position. Hey, it’s how I came into this world and it’s how I’m going out. Don’t judge.

“Get ready, girls,” Rolanda says, turning back to the door.

“I’m not ready, I’m not ready,” Mandy says over and over again with her eyes closed.

Rolanda doesn’t listen, or doesn’t care. She slaps the big red button and the doors slide open.





three




I take one look inside of the alien cockpit and step back, bumping into Mandy. There’s no way I’m going in there. The plan was to go in there swinging but I’ve never been good at sticking to plans and I’ve definitely never been good at swinging.

“What the f*ck?” Mandy screeches in my ear as she looks over my shoulder inside. There are three praying mantis-like things at the controls. They’re all smaller than Rsordan but look just as gross.

Rolanda is not intimidated. She’s just pissed.

She lunges in swinging her meaty fists, cracking their clicking jaws and disgusting green heads. They have beady little black eyes that are blinking at least ten times a second. At least they do until Rolanda hits them.

They don’t even have time to fight back. Fuck, she’s fast. After a quick fury of fists and a storm of kicks the three aliens are unconscious in their seats slumped over onto the controls.

“Shit,” I say, looking at the gross bodies. “I was just about to come in and help.”

Rolanda shakes out her hand as she grabs one of the aliens and pulls him off the seat. “Right,” she says, slipping into the chair.

It’s only then that I look out the windshield. Holy shit! It’s like I’m on the set of Star Trek, only there’s no green screen. This is the real deal.

There are stars everywhere and even though we’re among them they’re still only the size of small dots in the sky.

“Look at that,” Mandy says, pointing off to the right. We’re passing a huge planet that’s mostly brown and green with a little bit of blue. “Is that Pluto?”

Rolanda shakes her head as she takes in a deep breath. “We’re a long way from Pluto.”

“Can you get us back?” Mandy asks.

Rolanda turns her head with a look of disbelief on her face. “Yeah, just give me a second. I’ve flown this model of UFO millions of times.”

Mandy’s shoulders drop as she takes a breath of relief.

“She’s kidding, Mandy,” I whisper.

Rolanda punches the unconscious alien that’s slumped on the controls next to her in the head. “Fuck!” she yells as it slides off the chair and onto the floor, even more unconscious than before. “Get me the robot.”

Tin Tom!

I race back down the dark hallway with the purple glow and turn back into the room. The women are still frantically trying to rip the room apart while Tin Tom blinks like crazy. “Pacify yourselves, breeding aged earthling women,” he shouts out over the screaming and tearing of metal. “This is not the actions required to attach yourself to the good graces of your new fearless leader, Rsordan!”

A woman with orange hair nearly runs into me as I rush over to him. “Tin Tom,” I yell, bending down in front of him. “We need your help.”

His lights are flashing as he turns to me with a small screen that I assume is his face. “Tom is occupied at the moment. He is busy calming all of the earthling women down.”

A stick-thin girl screams as she runs past us, throwing herself against the wall. She bounces off like a tennis ball hitting a brick wall.

“Yeah, you’re doing a great job,” I say, pulling him towards the hallway, “but I still need your help.”

Tin Tom resists, locking his wheels in place. “Tom’s main function is to ease the distress of interplanetary travel. He must remain in the holding bay.”

I could try to drag him all the way there but I think of a better idea. “Tin Tom,” I say with a gasp. “There’s a woman in the cockpit who is extremely agitated.”

He unlocks his wheels and blinks his lights rapidly. “Preventing agitation is one of Tom’s core functions. Show me where this agitated earthling is and Tom will soothe her into tranquility.”

“Come with me,” I shout as I spring up and race down the hallway with the tin piece of crap following me closely. If our only hope of getting home lies with this crappy Halloween costume than we’re screwed.