Barbarian Box Set: Barbarians of Zandipor Books One, Two and Three(3)

The robot rolls back and stands in front of us like a blinking garbage can. It looks like a shitty R2 D2.

“I have been appointed as your in-flight attendant to ease the stress of interplanetary travel. I have been given an earth sounding name to increase your comfort level and to foster a personal connection. My name is Tom. I can sense your stress levels diminishing already. The name is working.” The lights on Tom the robot start blinking like crazy. He’s clearly pleased with himself.

“Maybe taking us f*cking home would make us feel more at ease,” the muscular girl next to me says.

“You are going home,” Tom says. “You are going to your new home. At Rsordan’s palace in Nuberla.”

“Please tell me that’s somewhere in Europe,” Mandy says, closing her eyes.

“Yes!” the robot answers, sounding excited.

“Oh, thank God,” Mandy says with a gasp. There’s a collective breath of relief among the women as they all smile and nod their heads. We’re staying on planet earth at least.

“It’s in the Europa galaxy,” the robot says as his lights blink. “Ten million light years away.”

I actually feel my skin going pale as I stare at the stupid robot with an unfocused gaze. I’ll never get to see Love in all Angles. I should be regretting that my life is so lame that my biggest regret is a movie but I’m not. I just really want to see Chase on the big screen.

It’s then that I notice the floor is vibrating. We must be moving through space. I wonder if we’re still within earth’s atmosphere.

“Where are we?” I ask.

“Coordinates 688770344.0309094141 and 5329191.00018934,” the robot says in its choppy voice that is quickly getting on my nerves.

“Can you tell us where we are by not just vomiting out numbers?” I ask.

“Thirty thousand light years outside of your solar system,” he says.

There’s another collective gasp. The supposedly tough fighter beside me faints and her head hits the floor with the sound of a falling coconut.

“We have an in-flight moving picture show for your merriment,” the robot says. “We uploaded the moving picture show that you were observing in the cinema theater.”

A hologram screen materializes out of thin air and my heart drops. I needed this. A little win. It’s minuscule and tiny but it’s a win. If I’m going to be abducted by aliens and forced to be the sex slave of this Rsordan guy then at least I can close my eyes and think of my book boyfriend, Chase.

The girls around me begin to smile and giggle as the hologram screen lights up. Maybe it’s the pineapple/bleach gas pumping into the room or the movie about to play but everyone seems as excited as they were in the theater. All I’m missing is my buttery popcorn.

The movie starts and I cock my head back. “Are you freaking kidding me?”

Everyone looks equally upset. The movie that they uploaded is the shitty action movie trailer of the men killing the aliens. That freaking robot plays it on repeat. Thirty-nine times.

Every time that an alien head explodes, I’m taking notes.





two




“Good daytime to you, earthling women,” the robot says as the lights come on. Mandy and I have named the robot Tin Tom because he looks like he’s made of cheap tin and because he insists on being called Tom. But mostly because we think it’s funny. This pineapple/bleach gas is some good shit.

“I didn’t feel the ship turn around during the night,” Rolanda says as she clenches her hands into fists. We met her during the night and she’s a good one to stick close to. She’s an MMA fighter.

“Yes!” Tin Tom says. “It’s wonderful. We are half way to the planet Nuberla. Five million light years away from your planet earth. With the time warp speed, everyone that you’ve ever loved has died over a thousand years ago!”

He says it like it’s just an interesting fact that he’s reading off of his Facebook feed and not like he just shattered the hearts of all twenty or so women inside the sealed off circular room.

I didn’t really have anyone besides Mandy here, and a fresh batch of the gas pumps into the room as the ship seems to sense the mood in the room shift, but I will miss Matt, the guy with the long beard who makes my cappuccino at Starbucks every morning. Or is his name Mark?

Rolanda doesn’t take it as well. “What?” she asks, rolling her sleeves up her thick forearms as she stands up. She glares at the robot as the little nozzle that’s sticking out of the wall begins pouring gas into the room like a fire hose.

It’s too much even for a tough one like Rolanda. She slumps to the floor as I close my eyes dreaming about cleaning pineapples.

***

Tin Tom is standing over me as I open my groggy eyes. “Good daytime to you, earthling women,” he says again. I have no idea how long I was out. There are no windows in this room and even if there was the sun is millions of light years away. It might have already exploded. Or imploded. Whatever it was that gave me nightmares as a child after learning on Bill Nye the Science Guy that the sun was going to be gone one day.

“Ah,” I say sadly when it sinks in. “Bill Nye is long dead.”

Mandy shakes her head. “Yeah, so is my dog and all of my family. But Bill Nye. Let’s not forget about him.”