Acts of Desperation(53)

I exhaled and slumped back in my chair. “Ok.” I smiled and watched him walk out the door.

****

I gave myself a final once-over then walked down the hall to his open door. I stood outside and listened for talking but heard nothing. I knocked and leaned in. “Is now a good time?” I asked.

Jax looked up and smiled. “Yeah, come in.” I swear his smile could be used as a lethal weapon. He walked over and met me just inside his door then shut it. “Here, let me pull this over so you can see the sheets I’m working on.”

He dragged a chair next to his oversized desk, and I sat down. This was where he was going to do it—I knew he’d confess his despair any second. He rolled up his sleeves, I assume so it looked like we were going to get down to business, and I casually played along pretending to be interested in what he was showing me. He moved about, shuffling papers and with each gesture, I caught hints of his shampoo mixed with his sweat. I’d had that scent linger on my skin so many times that it was branded into my brain. This was the closest we’d been in over two weeks and to not touch him was almost too much to bear.

He continued on, noting some of the errors in Sarah’s original financial forms as well as some discrepancies in Anders’s tax documents. I looked down and followed along, nodding my head at the appropriate times, but I may as well have been staring at a blank page. I cared about my sister’s case, but who was I kidding, I was there for one reason, and I was getting impatient. As his voice drummed on, a lump slowly rose in my throat. Why was he doing this to me? Then the possible reality dawned on me, could he really want to just talk about the case?

I lasted a few more moments until I couldn’t take one more second and cut him off mid-sentence. “You know what? I don’t think I can do this,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit here next to you and pretend everything’s fine.” I pushed my chair back.

He reached out and put his hand on my knee. “Sember wait.”

“Wait for what?” I asked. “You really wanted to just talk about the case, didn’t you?”

“No, I…” He took his hand off my knee and sat still for a second before reaching up and tucking my hair behind my ear. He grazed the scar on my forehead before focusing his eyes on my lips. My heart raced. I wanted to beg him to kiss me, but then he dropped his gaze to his lap. “I’m sorry. It was stupid,” he said. “I thought we could…that I could…”

I was stunned. He wasn’t going to do it. I couldn’t understand why he’d want to continue on like this. We were both obviously unhappy. “Fine!” I blurted. “I’ll do it. I’ll move in with you. If that’s what you want.”

He shook his head. “No.” He sighed. “I can’t let you do that.”

“What? You’re kidding. I’ll give you what you want. I give up. You win.”

He rubbed his eyes. “This isn’t a game. It’s not something I want to win.”

“It certainly feels like it. I can’t count how many long looks and sad smiles you’ve given me. Then you invite me in here, the first time that we’ve even really spoken to each other in weeks, and you want to talk about my sister’s financial records? That’s it! That’s what you really want me to believe this is?”

“No, you’re right. It was an excuse. I wanted to be close to you again. I don’t know what I expected.” He leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. “I’m screwed up.”

“I think you’re right because I can’t understand why you’re doing this. We love each other. This is so stupid.”

He sat silently, collecting his thoughts, and I waited for his grand revelation. “I know what you went through was incredibly intense, and I can only imagine what it was like for you, but I know what it was like for me when I got all those pictures of you, and how I felt when he threatened your life. Dylan stole something from me, and I’m not sure I can even articulate what it was or how to even get it back. I think I might just need some time to sort this out.”

“Time, that’s what you need. Time. Funny, sounds like the same thing I asked you for,” I said through a laugh. “I can’t believe you don’t see the irony in all of this.”

“What?” he said, furrowing his brow.

“Dylan took me to keep me from you, and FYI, he did plan on killing me. He thought you had no right to go on living a happy life. Then a miracle happened and you got me back—alive. And he freaking died—he’s dead! Yet he’s still accomplishing his goal from the grave. You’re not happy and you don’t have me. You’re letting him win you idiot.” I got up and walked to the door but stopped myself midway. “You know, I could have let the situation with John…and Dylan, affect me in much different ways. I could have chosen to look at the world differently and let those two people steal my sense of security, but I made a conscious decision not to. They were two screwed up people and sometimes bad things happen to good people. That’s how I’m looking at it.” I reached for the doorknob and with my back to him, I said, “I’d still like to be there in court for my sister, if you were really serious about that. She could use an extra person at her side.”

“Of course,” he said as I opened the door. “I do still love you, baby,” he whispered as I was walking out.