Acts of Desperation(51)
“Figures you’d mention watching people rather than the game. You’re such a girl.” He laughed, shaking his head.
“Of course I am! Seriously, the mix of people you see at a game is just as entertaining as the game itself, sometimes even more so. I can’t wait.” From the mullets, to the tattoos, to the sleeveless shirts that invite us all to the gun shows—observing individuals at the stadium was people watching at its finest. “Cheers,” I said, lifting my glass to his.
He barely sipped his wine before putting his glass down. “But before we go, I was hoping you had an answer to the question I asked you.”
By the way he smiled up at me from his stool, I knew the answer he was expecting to hear. My heart sank a little, but I had to do what was right for me. “I have.” I exhaled. “I think I’d rather stay here…for now.”
His face fell. “Oh. Why?”
“I’m sure living with you would great, but—”
“So do it. Stay with me,” he said.
“I can’t. I lived with John for two years, and I thought he was the one, and I was so wrong. I don’t want to repeat a past mistake. I want to be sure about us before we do anything big like this. Plus we’ve only been together a few months anyway. With everything that’s happened in the last few weeks, I think it has probably fueled some emotions and maybe skewed some things out of proportion.”
“A mistake?” he said, acting as if I’d slapped him. “And, you think that I don’t actually love you as much as I do?” he asked.
“No, of course not. And how would I measure love anyway? I know you love me, but love doesn’t have anything to do with this. I just don’t think now is the right time to move in together.” If ever, I said in my head. “Let’s just wait a little bit until things have settled down,” I said.
He huffed. “I can’t protect you when you’re here and I’m there. I need you to be with me. What else do I have to say?”
I was taken aback by his reaction. “You don’t have to say anything else—it’s me, and how I feel, and what I want. I don’t want to just live with someone again. And I appreciate the offer, but I’m neither helpless nor do I need someone constantly hovering over me to protect me like some caveman. You’re being a little irrational.”
“What’s so wrong with me wanting to protect you? That’s not irrational.”
“Nothing’s wrong with it, but I don’t want to move in with you because you’re scared something’s going to happen to me, that’s not the right reason.”
“That’s not the only reason, I said that.” He paused and seemed to rack his brain for his next words. “So do you want us to get married?” he asked, looking confused.
“No,” I shook my head. “Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Why can’t we just keep seeing each other like we were and see how things go? I thought we had—have a great thing going.”
“Because I can’t do that. Things have changed and we can’t go back to how things were. It’s all different now.” He stood up and turned his back to me, looking out the kitchen window.
“It’s not different. Everything can go back to how it was, you’re just not seeing it. Give it a little time, and I’m sure you’ll feel differently.” I swirled my wine nervously in my glass. “But, I don’t want to move in with you. It’s not the right time to do something like this.”
He looked down and shook his head. “This really isn’t what I expected to happen when I came over today.”
“What?” I asked, trying to see his face. “What are you talking about?”
He turned back to me. “Sember if you can’t live with me, then I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I stood in complete shock. “You’re breaking up with me because I won’t move in with you? It’s all or nothing?” I shook my head. “That’s not fair.”
“It’s not what I want to do, but I can’t handle going to bed at night and not knowing that you’re safe.”
“I will be safe. There’s no reason for you to worry. We have the security system now. We have panic buttons. John’s in jail. Dylan’s dead. My dad even installed a peep hole in the front door. I am safe here.”
“Sember, I’ve loved two women in my life and one is gone because I made a stupid decision. When Dylan had you…the pictures…you can’t…” He seemed to shake the images from his mind. “It was a real possibility that I was going to lose you too because of that same stupid decision. But then miraculously I got you back. The worry is paralyzing—I can’t concentrate on anything else. It can only be this way. I’m sorry.”
“So I sacrifice my wants for you and you sacrifice nothing for me? And, I’m sorry…I can’t imagine? You seem to be overlooking that everything that happened physically happened to me, not you. So, yes, I can imagine it—I can picture it quite clearly actually. I should have a say in this. All I’m asking for is time. Why can’t we try to go back to the way things were? I’ll come over and spend the night a lot just like before. It worked, didn’t it? Me not living with you will feel like a little…technicality.”