Acts of Desperation(52)
“It did work, but that’s not going to be enough anymore.” He looked up with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sember. I just can’t.” He took a step toward the door.
“Jax…don’t,” I said, reaching for him.
He walked over to me. He reached up and stroked the scar on my forehead with his thumb. “I love you, baby,” he said then kissed me. “I’m so sorry.”
I was stunned speechless and watched my heart walk out the door. I could still feel him on my lips and smell him in the room. This wasn’t happening—it couldn’t be. But as I looked around the empty kitchen, the reality struck me—he was gone.
“Ok, so I’m heading out,” Liz said, breaking the silence and walking through the living room. She was digging through her purse for her keys. “You guys have fun…” She turned and saw me alone in the kitchen. “Where’s Jax? I thought you guys would be getting ready to leave by now.”
“He broke up with me Liz.” Just hearing the words coming out of my mouth made my heart feel like it was going to explode inside my chest.
“What!” she said. Then, I burst into tears.
Chapter Twenty-Three
During my first week back at work, I ate my lunches in the coffee shop on the first floor just like I used to do. One day, as I sat picking away at my salad trying to coax myself into eating, I saw Jax walk in through the doors. He’d just come from court, judging by his suit, and came to a standstill in front of the elevator. My chest had a constant ache, and each time I saw him it grew a little more intense. It was then that I called myself an idiot again. I should have never gotten involved with someone I worked with. I knew better. Now, I was going to have to see him every day and deal with the exact thing I’d spent my life trying to avoid. But damn it, my heart wanted him.
This morning, as our eyes locked on each other, I hoped for a magical switch to flip and for him to realize his mistake, but instead he gave me a sad smile that squeezed my heart. He boarded the elevator, and as the doors closed, all hope died. I looked back down to my wilting lettuce, fighting tears.
A few similar scenes played themselves out over the next couple of weeks. Once in front of a couple colleagues where we exchanged hellos, once on a packed elevator ride where we stayed in our own corners just looking at each other, and another quick one in passing while I was making copies. I repeated them all in my mind about a million times. I could have just run up to him, on any of the occasions, and told him I was a fool and put an end to it. But, in each instance, I couldn’t make myself to do it.
It became my routine to spend about an hour every day staring out my office window drowning in my sorrow. We’d officially settled comfortably into spring and were enjoying a nice long run of sunny eighty degree days as summer approached. I watched couples in the streets below holding hands, carefree, and laughing as a warm breeze blew, yet I sat in my tower, consumed with sadness and resentment. Eventually, I’d shut my blinds and turn back to the blinking curser on my computer screen.
When I heard Jax’s laughter out in the hallway one day when I was deep in my misery, it was like someone was driving a dagger straight into my heart. How could he even gather up enough happiness to crack a smile, let alone laugh, when it took every effort I had to just breathe? I looked at my closed door wishing for him to go away, to stop torturing me. Then, there was a knock at my door.
“Hey, got a second for an old friend?” Jax said, leaning in. A snapshot of the first time he’d poked his head into my office flashed in my mind. How I was so taken by him then: his looks, his clothes, his stature. But, he looked different now. Now, he was my physical embodiment of pain.
I put my shaky hands in my lap and took a deep breath to slow my heart. “Sure. What can I do for you?”
He walked in and shut the door behind him then leaned against a chair opposite my desk. “How are you?” he asked.
An innocent enough question, but in one of the many lessons my mom gave me on dealing with men, she said if they hurt you, never let them know how much. So I pretended everything was fine. “Alright,” I said, faking a genuine smile. “You?” I asked, thinking he looked tired.
“Good,” he said, but his smile didn’t seem genuine either. “I was wondering, would you want to join me in court for your sister’s hearing next week? It’ll be good experience for you, and I’m sure your sister would like to have you there.”
“Oh, I’d really like that actually. Thanks.”
“Great.” He ran his hand through his hair—one of the signature things he did. Being a lawyer makes you very good at reading people’s body language. Running his hand through his hair was his tell—he only did it when he was nervous. “Come by my office later so we can go over some of the details. It’s one of the more complicated cases I’ve dealt with.”
“Um ok…sure. I’ll be by when I finish up here.” My heart pounded. I knew it had to be his excuse to get us close. He couldn’t take us being apart either.
He nodded. “Good.” He turned to leave, but when he reached for the doorknob, he stopped. “I…” I held my breath waiting for him to confess his secret—he was miserable without me. It was coming, and I braced myself. “I-I’ll see you soon then.”