A Place in the Sun(58)

She groaned, flinging her eyes past me as if she was deciding the best method of escape. “Please, Gianlu—”

“Stop it. Stop pushing me away and tell me why you ran off like that.”

There were several long moments of silence, with her gaze on the doorway and her fists clenched by her sides. It was such a long pause, in fact, I assumed she would never speak up, so when she did, it hit twice as hard.

“You love her still, don’t you?”

Allie.

I didn’t even have to pause. “Of course I do. I always will.”

She nodded and turned away, trying to hide her tears.

“Is that why you’re upset? Because I love Allie?”

“You keep her up there in that house, Gianluca! You love her like she’s still alive. Her toothbrush, her pills, her clothes—it’s not healthy to hold on to her like that!”

I’d heard the same argument from Massimo and Katerina more times than I could count and my rage nearly boiled over now that Georgie was laying it on me as well. I was sick of people telling me how to mourn and when to move on. No one knew what it was like to lose Allie the way I did, what it feels like to watch, powerless, as death slowly robs you of the person you love most in the world. There was no clean break, no tragic accident, here one day and gone the next. No, I was there watching as she struggled for her last ragged breaths, crying and terrified. There was no closure. There was only the end.

No one could possibly tell me how to move on from that, not even Georgie. That’s why I had secluded myself for all these years.

“You’ll never have room for love as long as she’s there.”

“If you’re asking me to choose you over her, I won’t do it, Georgie. I can’t do it.”

She squeezed her eyes closed as if in pain. She had to know this was the case. I’d been nothing but honest with her from the start. Things were developing between us, but I couldn’t turn off my love for Allie.

“Get out of my room, please.”

Her voice was small and defeated.

“Georgie…”

“Just leave!” she bellowed, shoving past me and wrenching the door open so wide it collided with the wall behind it. She reached forward and shoved me, hard. “JUST GET OUT!”

That time, I listened.





“ARGH!”

I tossed myself back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to call him a selfish cow and go on about how he’d led me on and forced me to fall for him, but the words felt hollow. He was kind and loyal, with the rare brand of devotion that didn’t just run skin deep. He was the sort of man who’d do anything for those he loves and more than anything, I wanted all of that—but for me. That’s what hurt—the fact that I’d fallen so fast for a man who’d warned me away from the start.

“Idiot,” I groaned, covering my eyes with my hands. I wasn’t being melodramatic. I’d been stupid, and now I was paying the price, holding up a solitary candle at a vigil for my dearly departed heart.

He told you not to fall in love with him.

He said he still loved his wife.

You told him you could do no strings.

I was still lying there in a puddle of soggy tissues and self-loathing when Katerina turned up with two bottles of wine and takeout from one of the sandwich shops down in the square. My stomach couldn’t handle food, but I greedily accepted the bottle of wine, uncorked it, and sipped straight from the bottle.

“I’m sorry, G.”

I peered at her over the wine bottle. There was no mistaking the pity in her gaze.

“I take it you know Gianluca and I have been sleeping together?”

She frowned. “I guessed there was something going on a few weeks back, but I didn’t want to jinx it.”

“You didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, you mean.”

She looked away. “I honestly wanted you to prove me wrong about him being unsalvageable. It’s not like you’d have listened anyway, right? The heart wants what it wants.”

“What exactly would you have said to me?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you found out we were sleeping together, would you have told me to go for it with him?”

She looked down and twisted her thumbs.

“Be honest,” I goaded.

“No. I would have told you to go for any other man in Vernazza. Gianluca doesn’t know how charming he is; he doesn’t realize how easily women fall for him. He probably thinks this thing between you two could stay casual and easy, but I doubt any woman on Earth would be able to casually sleep with a guy like Gianluca without developing, you know…”

“Stronger feelings.” I swallowed down my tears.

“Right. It’s why I kept my mouth shut. You wouldn’t have wanted to hear that.”

“And what if it’s too late? What if I’m already half in love with him?”

“Be thankful for the half that’s not. As for the half that is…I suppose I should have brought more wine.”



…



I managed to stay away from Gianluca the next day. I woke up before the sun and took the train into La Spezia. I sat facing the window, watching the sea whip in and out of view. The sun poured in and heated my legs. I leaned my forehead against the warm glass and enjoyed the sensation. I ended up missing my stop and had to double back, finally forcing myself to step out. Compared to Vernazza, La Spezia might as well have been New York City. There were proper grocers and tons of restaurants, fast food chains I hadn’t seen in months. I stopped in for breakfast and took my time, trying to fill my day with as much activity as possible so that by the time I returned to Vernazza, I’d only have time to brush my teeth and collapse into bed.