A Lover's Lament(99)

I want to cry so badly, but I’ve been fighting back the tears as best I can. Because as much as I try and force my mind to make that transition back to soldier, I can’t fight the truth.

I need to be home, and Katie is my home.

As the lights in the cabin flicker off and the plane rumbles forward preparing for takeoff, I think to our last phone call just moments before boarding.

“Devin?”

I want to speak, but I don’t think I can. I’m moments away from heading back to a war zone, and all I want is to be back beside her—to continue the amazing journey we’ve restarted. The line sits silent, and each time I try and get a word out, the throbbing in the base of my neck takes over, the tears wanting so badly to pour from my eyes.

“Devin, baby, I know you’re there. Say something, please … did you make it to Germany?”

“Katie—” I croak, my voice cutting off involuntarily.

“Oh, Devin.” I can hear her voice quiver over the line and she sniffles. I feel tears roll down my cheek and quickly wipe them away as I conceal myself in the booth so no one can see. This terminal is full of other military members heading back to the same place I am, and I refuse to show weakness around them, even though weakness is the only thing I feel right now.

“Yeah, um …” I clear my throat. “I’m a few minutes from heading out.” Swallowing hard, I close my eyes and imagine Katie being right beside me, her arms around my lower back and mine over her shoulders. She comforts me with her words, rocking with me back and forth, back and forth. “Baby, I miss you so f*cking much.” My voice cracks on the last word, and I drop my head between my shoulders.

“God, I miss you too, Devin. I miss you so much.” I can tell she’s crying harder now, and as much as I need her to stop, for the sake of my sanity, there’s something terrifically heart-warming about knowing she misses me just as much as I miss her.

“Katie, baby, I just want to say that no matter what happens during the rest of my time over there, my four days with you have been the best of my life. I wouldn’t change a second of our time together.”

I can hear her sobbing on the other end now. “Damn it, Dev,” Katie cries. “You can’t talk like that, you hear me? Ever!”

I suck in a deep breath, knowing full well that I may never make it back to her. The thought f*cking kills me. I hate that I have to leave her again … that I’m making her go through this kind of hurt. “Baby, I’m sorry, I’m just—”

“No,” she says, cutting me off. Her words are much more composed than just a second ago. “I mean it, Devin. I’m hurting too much already, and I can’t handle that thought.”

“I’m sorry. I’m hurting too … so, so bad.” Just then, a voice comes over the intercom announcing the boarding of our plane, and my heart sinks.

“Katie—”

“I know, baby.”

“I love you so f*cking much.” I wish there was another word for love, because this is so much more. What I feel for this girl can’t be put into words.

“I love you too, Dev, more than you’ll ever know. Call me as soon as you can, okay?”

“I will, sweet girl. Bye.”

“Bye, baby.”

The click and dial tone hit me like a punch to the gut. I want to lie here and lick my wounds, but there’s a job to be done. And even though I can’t fathom the thought of getting on this f*cking plane, let alone leading men in battle, I’m going to do it.

The screech of the landing gear against the pavement jars me awake. I have to sit for a moment to process where I am. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I look around but can’t make out much of anything in the darkness of the cabin. I peek out the window and notice the tarmac lights dominating the night sky, a desert wasteland decorating its backdrop.

Baghdad.

Fuck me.




My guys welcomed me back warmly and filled me in on the uneventful past four days. I have to admit that it did lift my spirits being back with them. They are my brothers, and if I can’t be with Katie, being with my guys is the next best thing.

It’s been weeks since my return, and although it’s been difficult, the importance of our work here and the well-being of my soldiers help to ease the pain of missing her. Thankfully, most days I’m too busy to let it dominate my head.

I call Katie every chance I get, and we’ve even started chatting via webcam. Lord knows I couldn’t go six weeks without laying eyes on her beautiful face. While I’d rather have her with me, being able to see her makes things a lot easier.

Fighting for computer use, on the other hand, has been a pain in my ass. But I’ve learned to bring a book with me to help get me through the wait. Which is why I’m currently seated outside the closed communications center door reading The Notebook, doing my best to conceal the cover. Katie insisted I read it, and I’ll admit I was a little skeptical at first, but Noah and Allie have managed to capture my attention. I’ve found myself imagining it’s the two of us instead, and I’ve even laughed a few times, because when I think about the journey Katie and I have been on to get where we are, it almost feels like a love story in and of itself. Like a novel that was destined to be, set in place long before either of us were even born. She and I were made for each other, and it blows my mind that I couldn’t look past my own stubborn ways to see that long before now.