A Lover's Lament(88)

Oh, that. Good thing I’ve got it covered. “I’m on birth control. I take it regularly and I haven’t been on antibiotics, so we’re good to go.”

“Okay,” he says, blowing out a quick breath. “Had me worried there for a second. Not that I wouldn’t want to … you know, have babies with you and everything … but—”

“Just stop.” I laugh, loving the way he instantly clammed up at the mere thought of me getting pregnant. Typical man. “We’re good. It’s all good.” He kisses the back of my neck.

Devin slides to the left of me, wraps an arm around my back and nuzzles his face close to mine. He kisses my nose and then my mouth, and when I finally gather enough strength to open my eyes, his are closed.

Peaceful. That’s the best way to describe the look on his face. He looks content and peaceful, and I have a feeling that he doesn’t experience those feelings very often. His lips part, his warm breath fanning across my face. Reaching up, I run my thumb along his lip, followed by his cheekbone. I’m trying to memorize everything about him that I possibly can, because I know that soon I’ll have to let him go. And after being with him again, I’m not sure how well I’ll handle that.

Between his letters and the phone conversations we’ve had, I got the sense that he still owned a large part of my heart, but being wrapped in his arms, the familiarity of his body against mine, I realize now that was stupid. He owns all of it. He always has and he always will.

“I love you,” I whisper, not sure if he’s even awake to hear me.

“I love you more.” His eyes open. They’re glossy, and the way he’s looking at me speaks volumes, but those three words coming from his mouth pull tears from my eyes. He was gone … for ten long years I had to live without him, and my feelings didn’t wane one bit. Sure, I was angry and pushed the love aside, but it was too strong for me to fight. All my heart needed was to be near him again to remember that it beats for him.

Wyatt never stood a chance … no man would’ve ever stood a chance. Because there is only person in this world for me, and that’s Devin Ulysses Clay.

“Say it again,” he says, threading his fingers into my hair.

“I love you.” My lips land on his for a soft kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

His face scrunches up as though my words physically hurt him, and I pull back. But before I can ask what’s wrong, he says, “I’m so sorry, Katie. For everything.”

“Shhhh.” I press my finger against his mouth, but he easily shakes me off.

“I need to get this out. Please, just let me get this out.” I understand he has things he wants to say, but I’m just not sure I want to hear them anymore. He said he was sorry and I believe him. That should be enough, right?

But the determination I see on his face tells me this is a fight I won’t win. “Okay,” I whisper, cupping my hand around his neck, drawing his mouth to mine. “I want to say something first though.” He nods, but his face is still drawn tight as though the words he needs to say are weighing heavily on his shoulders. “It doesn’t matter what you say. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter why you left. What matters is that you’re here now, and when you tell me you’re sorry, I know you’re telling the truth because I can see it in your eyes.” I kiss him once, twice and then a third time before pulling back.

“You’re perfect, you know that?”

“No, I’m not.” I sigh. “But I sure do like hearing it. In fact, feel free to tell me that every single day for the rest of my life.”

His eyes widen at my off-handed mention of the future, but he doesn’t miss a beat. “Are you talking forever, Katie?”

“Forever isn’t enough,” I whisper, draping my arm over his back. The breath rushes from his lungs and I smile to myself.

“I don’t deserve you.” That’s bullshit. I open my mouth to tell him that, but he pushes his finger against my mouth, the same way I did a few moments ago. “Listen. I just need you to listen, okay?”

I nod, his finger still pressed to my lips.

“Good girl.” Devin lets his hand fall, but it doesn’t travel far. He props himself up on an elbow, his other hand resting firmly on my hip. “You were my world growing up. I lived in a house, but I never had a home … you were my home, Katie.” Tears spring to my eyes, and when one slides down my face, he gently wipes it away.

“I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, but I was selfish so I had every intention of keeping you anyway.” Devin’s eyes dart to the side as though he’s contemplating his next words. When they find me again, I can see the uncertainty. Whatever it is he’s about to say may very well impact me more than I think. “Until I talked to your dad.”

“My dad?” My brows furrow and I push up, mimicking his position. “What does my dad have to do with it?”

“Remember that last night?” I give him the patented are-you-kidding-me look and his eyes soften. “Sorry, of course you do. Anyway, I watched you walk into the house, and I was getting ready to pull away when your dad walked up.”

He did? How did I not know this? “I didn’t know he was even outside that night.”

“Trust me,” he says. “I didn’t either. He scared the hell out of me.”