The Kiss: An Anthology About Love and Other Close Encounters(93)
I take a deep breath, and remember what my dad told me years ago. I need to not be so afraid to try new things. This boy is a complete stranger, one who I will never see again after today, so I choose to take that leap off the swing and open myself up to someone, in hopes that I can relieve some of this pain I carry around with me every day.
“I come here once a year to remember my dad. This park used to be beautiful. There were wild flowers growing all around this very bench, and there was a stone walkway leading to that swing set your sitting on, and of course it didn’t used to creak like it does now. I’m too chicken shit to actually visit his grave, so I come here instead.” I whisper out. “Your turn, why are you here?”
“I’ve been coming to this swing set every day for about 5 months now. I come here to escape my reality. There is something peaceful about this place.” He softly says. He’s right. He’s so very right. The park is like its own little sanctuary. A sanctuary that allows sinners like me inside.
“How did your dad die?” Oh shit, we are entering really personal territory.
“We are just diving right in with the heavy questions aren’t we? How about we start with something simple. What’s your name?”
“My name is River. What’s yours?” A small smile creeps up on my lips. I love that name.
“Estelle, but people call me Stella.”
“Well Stella, it’s nice to meet you.” He hops out of the swing and extends his hand to me. I look down at it, weary to reach out and grasp him. I slowly reach out and grab his hand and his fingers softly curl around my own. The moment our hands touch, I find myself never wanting to let go. I think he can sense it too because we stay there grasping hands for what seems like an eternity.
We sit and talk for hours. About books, music, school, our childhoods. He plays guitar, and I play the piano. We have a lot of things in common. We leave the heavy topics aside, and for that I’m grateful. The sun is starting to set towards the west, and I close my eyes and take in that last few minutes of the sun’s warmth hitting my face. I look over towards River and he is doing the same. While he has his eyes closed, I study his face, knowing this is the last time I will see him. I want to remember everything about this day. How he made me smile, laugh, and actually feel emotion again. But I know that as soon as I leave, the feeling of loneliness will wash over me, and the darkness will creep back in.
“You asked me how my dad died.” He opens his eyes and looks up at me, and nods his head. “We were playing at this very park. I just did my first jump out of a swing and he was so proud of me. I told him I wanted ice cream for a week because I jumped out of the swing and saved the world.” He gives me a funny look and I just laugh and continue. “And he of course told me yes. We walked home that night and after dinner my dad tells me he will be right back in a few minutes with my ice cream. Well, he never came back. He was in a car accident and he never came back. River, he never came back.” I choke back the tears, willing myself not to cry. If I didn’t have to have ice cream that night my dad might still be here. I carry around so much guilt for what happened. Rationally I know it wasn’t my fault that he died, but I ask myself the what if questions daily, and I drive myself crazy with guilt. As each day passes, the guilt consumes a little bit more of my soul.
River puts an arm around me and guides my head to his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything. He just wraps his arm around me and lets me cry.
“God, I’m so sorry. We don’t even know each other, and here I am crying like a girl on your shoulder.” How embarrassing. There’s another emotion I’m not used to. Embarrassment.
“Well, you are a girl, so it’s ok. At least I hope you’re a girl, this whole day might be a little awkward if you aren’t.” I laugh and shove him in the arm. “That shove you just gave me totally proves you’re a girl.” I give him my best scowl.
“You might want to watch yourself. I’ve been known to throw a nasty punch.” He is laughing at me now. Well I’m glad one of us thinks I’m funny. “Well thank you. For today; for everything.” I give River a small smile and get up to leave to go home. He gently grabs my arm and pulls me closer to him.
“Same time tomorrow? Please meet me back here tomorrow. I’d like to spend the day with you again.” He is pleading at me with his eyes, and it’s tugging at my heart. Damn you River. I give him a slight nod and turn to leave. I know I won’t be meeting him back here tomorrow. I don’t plan on being here after tonight. I want it all to end. The pain, guilt, and grief have taken its toll on me and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’m drowning and I can’t pull myself up.
“Estelle.” His voice holds a command that makes me stop in my tracks and turn around to look at him. “Remember that the beauty of life is, while we can’t undo what has already happened, we can try to understand it, and change for the better because of it. So that every moment after isn’t spent in guilt, fear, or regret, but in understanding.” I slowly nod my head, and turn to walk away.
The walk back to my house seems like it takes forever. River’s words hit me like a punch in the gut and the emotions I am feeling are starting to freak me out. When I finally reach my house, I walk inside, up the stairs, and into my bathroom. I open up the medicine cabinet and take out the bottles of pills that I’ve been saving for today. I planned on going to the park, coming home and taking this bottle of pills, and then sleeping forever. As I am staring at this tiny orange bottle, a million different emotions are running through my head. Ending my life tonight would end all possibilities of my life ever getting better.