Haven't They Grown(82)

‘Them too. I don’t want to hurt Lewis’s children any more than I already have. He’s been good to me. No one deserves any more pain.’

‘Including you?’

‘I deserve nothing,’ she says quietly. ‘Nothing good, anyway.’

‘They’re your children too, Flora. Not only Lewis’s.’

‘Not any more.’

‘How much of what you’ve just told me do Kevin and Yanina know?’

‘Nothing.’ An impatient look passes across her face. ‘Why do you think I married Kevin? If he’d known, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him. After Georgina died, when I left everything behind, I thought I’d be alone forever. That was what I deserved and what I wanted. Then I met Kevin, and he … he pursued me. I realised that I could maybe have a family again. As long as no one in my new life knew the truth. I’d changed my name by then, to Jeanette Dawson. Dawson was my mum’s maiden name. You won’t be able to understand this, but … I convinced myself I was a different person.’

‘You didn’t tell Kevin you’d been married before?’

‘He knew about Lewis, but not that I’d had any children with him. I lied about that. When I was pregnant with …’ She stops. Starts again. ‘I made sure he never came to doctor or hospital appointments. It wasn’t hard. He had no interest in them. He’s not interested in much, Kevin. I don’t love him or particularly like him.’

‘Then why …?’

‘Can’t you guess?’ Flora smiles through her tears. ‘I wanted more children. Knowing you don’t deserve something doesn’t make you stop wanting it. I was weak. I shouldn’t have let myself accept Kevin’s proposal, but once I did, the rest just—’ She breaks off and frowns. ‘No, it didn’t just happen. That’s not true. I let it happen. I was Jeanette now, so it was okay. That’s what I told myself – that it would be okay.’

‘So you had two more children? With Kevin, not with Lewis?’

‘They’re Kevin’s, Beth.’

‘You had two children, and you called them Thomas and Emily.’

‘You know I did. That’s why you’re here.’

‘Why did you choose those names?’

She stares at me. Is she hoping I’ll withdraw the question?

‘Why, Flora?’

‘I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I wanted what I’d lost, I suppose. Kevin would have let me call them anything. Up to me, he said.’

‘How did he feel when you told him you were going to Florida suddenly? If he knows nothing about what happened in the past, how did you explain this trip? Isn’t Kevin wondering what the hell’s going on?’

‘I blamed it on you,’ says Flora.

‘Me?’

‘When Lewis rang me to say you’d been in touch, my heart nearly stopped right then and there. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in twelve years. I was a nervous wreck. There was no way you’d contact Lewis after so many years unless you suspected something – I knew that. And Marilyn Oxley, my neighbour … she’d told Kevin that you’d asked her if our children were called Thomas and Emily. I had to get away from you, Beth. To make sure this didn’t happen. I didn’t want you to know, and I knew I could so easily break down and tell you if we met. You were my best friend for so long. We knew everything about each other, didn’t we?’

I nod.

‘I couldn’t risk that. Lewis knew it was a risk, too. He said, “Cast iron rule: you don’t see her, you don’t speak to her, you don’t let her come anywhere near you.” So I did everything he said, like I always have, apart from that one night – the night Georgina died, when I wanted a drink and then another drink so badly that I ended up killing my own daughter.’

‘What happened to Georgina was an accident, Flora. If you want to say it was an accident that only happened because you made a bad decision, then tell yourself that … but even so, you should stop torturing yourself. Everyone makes bad decisions. And it was twelve years ago. Isn’t it time you forgave yourself?’

‘What an excellent idea.’ She eyes me coldly. ‘I’ll just do that, then, shall I?’

‘Has Lewis told you you should forgive yourself? If you always do what he says—’

‘He said it when it first happened, before I told him I was leaving. Hasn’t said it since.’ She smiles as if at a fond memory. ‘Lewis has always been extraordinarily selfish. Breathtakingly so, really. If I was going to remain as his wife and the mother of his children, then he didn’t want me to torture myself. It would have a terrible effect on them – his family. But if I’m leaving? Well, then he’s certainly not going to tell me to forgive myself, is he?’

‘You said a minute ago that he’d been good to you.’

‘He has, purely for his and his children’s sake. He doesn’t care about me any more. Couldn’t you tell? I don’t mind. I still appreciate his help. I’m as obedient an ex-wife as I was a wife.’ Flora laughs as if we’re having an ordinary conversation. ‘When he rang to say you’d contacted him on Instagram, I followed his instructions to the letter: pretended we were still together and living in Florida, a happy family of five. Going along with his plans was my only option. He could think straight and I couldn’t.’