Haven't They Grown(81)

‘So you called it cot death and everyone believed you?’

‘The parents don’t get to call an infant death anything,’ says Lewis. ‘Doctors decide. We told everyone that we’d found Georgina in her cot, blue and not breathing. People couldn’t have been more sympathetic. There was no hint of any suspicions in our direction. But Georgina had been born premature, and was maybe going to need surgery on her eye when she was a little bit older, so perhaps they found it easy to think of her as a flawed specimen.’

Flora flinches.

Lewis lets out a ragged sigh. ‘It was a tragedy, and we were in shock and grieving, but we could have survived it. We could have rebuilt our lives – but Flora wouldn’t allow that to happen. She couldn’t give us that chance.’

‘I couldn’t live with them and pretend,’ she says. ‘How could I stay there, knowing what I’d done? I didn’t deserve beautiful children and a husband who loved me. And I couldn’t live a lie, no matter how much Lewis wanted me to. What I really wanted, all I wanted, was to die. I prayed it would happen, without me having to do anything.’

‘There were moments when I could have killed her,’ says Lewis. ‘Not because of Georgina – because she was proposing to leave me, when all I’d done was protect her and our family.’

‘So you left?’ I ask Flora. ‘You abandoned them all?’

‘That’s exactly what she did,’ says Lewis. ‘And cut off all contact. With everyone. I had to go with her to tell her parents. She begged me to do the talking, and I did it. I fucking did it, Beth. Then I had to tell Thomas and Emily that she couldn’t be part of their lives any more. Flora and I came up with the least upsetting story we could think of in the circumstances: Georgina dying had caused her to have a breakdown, and now she wasn’t herself any more and couldn’t be around anyone, including them. It was devastating for them to hear that, but what could I do? I could hardly say, “Mummy’ll be back any minute now, she’s just nipped to the shops.” She wasn’t ever coming back to us. She’d made that clear, and I could see it. Even sitting in a room with me, having the conversations we needed to have, she couldn’t stand it. It was like she’d developed an allergy to all of us – me and the children.’

‘To myself,’ Flora corrects him. ‘You reminded me, that’s all – of the difference between what I used to be and what I’d become. It was better for the children not to be around me, given the state I was in. Lewis was a good dad, Beth. Is a good dad. Any damage I did by abandoning the family, he repaired.’

‘I’m not going to deny that. Fuck it.’ Lewis shifts in his chair. ‘I’m not. We had a rough few years, but slowly, steadily, Thomas and Emily – whose names Flora refuses to say, have you noticed, Beth? – grew into the happy, secure teenagers they are now. Thanks to me. And it has to stay that way. Over my dead body are they going to find out now, after all these years, that Georgina’s death wasn’t a tragic accident.’

‘I won’t say anything,’ I tell him. What good would it do, at this late stage? ‘I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been.’

‘Well, what can I say?’ Lewis laughs bitterly. ‘Thank you, Beth, for making this little trip down Memory Lane possible. Can I go now? I need to get back to the office.’

‘Without me?’ Flora asks expressionlessly.

‘Yes, without you,’ he snaps. ‘I’m going to take a little break from trying to help you, if that’s okay.’

‘But how will I get back to the house?’

‘You’ll figure out a way.’ Lewis stands up.

‘I’ve got more questions,’ I say.

‘Oh, I bet you have. Flora can answer them.’ In an angry, sing-song voice he says, ‘Flora has decided today is a talking day. Goodbye, Beth.’

Without another word, he leaves the room.





22


I stand up and walk over to the window, to give Flora a chance to compose herself. She started to cry when Lewis left and hasn’t stopped since. Sunlight is streaming into the room, streaking the carpet and furniture with stripes of gold. They create a bar-like effect and make me think of prison – something that was in my mind even before Lewis and Flora came up to my hotel room, thanks to Chimpy.

There’s a darkness in here that’s almost suffocating; the light from outside can’t touch it. The shimmering turquoise swimming pool, palm trees and orange sun umbrellas on the other side of the glass look as implausible as a stage set that’s way too good to be true.

I flick the catch, slide the balcony door open and step outside. The hot air hugs my face. It’s a welcome relief. When the heat gets too much, I slide the door closed again.

‘You should tell the truth, Flora. To your parents, the police, everybody. Instead of walking around like a shadow, hiding a horrible secret. You shouldn’t have to live like this for the rest of your life.’

‘It’s better than having everyone know. Don’t tell me it isn’t. You can’t imagine how it feels to have done what I’ve done. It would destroy my parents if they knew.’

‘And Thomas and Emily?’ I say, wondering if Lewis is right about her unwillingness to say their names.