Behind Every Lie(91)

I looked down at the empty space where Liam’s engagement ring used to be. Maybe he’d buried me, but I was a seed. My shell was cracked, but that meant I could grow.

I stared at the creamy glow of moonlight on the horizon, and Mom’s words that last night at the restaurant floated down to me.

We can be strong and brave and broken and whole all at the same time.



* * *



Later that night, Jacob knocked on the front door. He was wearing a green windbreaker and ripped black jeans. He smelled clean, like freshly laundered clothes and peppermint gum. His dark hair was shorn close to his skull, a ragged scar visible at the back.

“Hey,” I greeted him.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Yep.”

Jacob raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, I’m a little nervous,” I admitted.

He shrugged as I locked the front door. “It’ll pass. Just like a kidney stone.”

I laughed, the feeling a glorious relief, like when you get all the lights green on your way to work. A string of good luck.

A light breeze from Puget Sound kicked up, the air fresh, like it had been washed clean. We walked slowly to Lily’s house. He moved this way now, a little stiffly. He was in physical therapy to regain full use of his right arm, but the remnants of his loose-limbed walk were still there.

“So you’re going to London this Christmas?” he asked.

“Yeah. David’s chemo went really well, and he’s invited me to stay. I thought it might be a good chance to get to know him.”

We’d reached Lily’s house, but as I stepped up the stairs, Jacob tugged on my hand. His face was earnest and open, a sailor looking to the night sky.

“I’m not going anywhere this time,” he said. “Whatever happens, I’m here.”

“I know. Thanks.” I hugged him, and for a moment we just stood there in front of each other, breathing. One day maybe we’d explore these feelings more. But for now, I was learning to be strong on my own.

Lily opened the door wearing a floaty pink skirt and a fuzzy, white cardigan. Her hair was immaculately cut into a precise silver-platinum bob. Her eyes were red-raw, the skin around them swollen and puffy.

“Eva!” She started crying and pulled me into a tight embrace. “Oh, you poor thing. And poor Kat. I miss her terribly.” Lily pulled away and sniffed. “Come in, love. Come in.”

Lily sat on one of the couches. Jacob and I sat across from her. I looked around the living room. It was exactly the same, the décor fresh, a clean white, with cream-colored couches, wicker chairs, and splashes of teal highlights. Like being near the ocean.

“Aunt Lily …” I began. “Rose.”

Lily’s hand fluttered to her throat, her eyes darting between Jacob and me.

“How do you know?” she whispered.

“Mom told me before she died. It just took me a while to remember.”

A range of emotions stormed across her face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You lied. Both of you. About my whole life!”

“They say that behind every lie is a person and a reason. Please understand.” Her voice was thin, tremulous. “We wanted to keep you safe. And later, when you grew up, it seemed too late, and we thought we’d lose you if you knew the truth.”

She looked down, but left her hand on my arm. The hot skin of her fingertips was warm through the fabric of my shirt. There were more words in her fingertips than she ever could have said out loud. She revealed the depth of everything in that one touch.

“I wish I’d known. Maybe I would’ve understood.” Tears clogged my throat. “She always seemed so … cold. I thought Andrew was her favorite, that I had done something wrong. And now …”

A tear slid down my cheek into the crevice of my chin.

“Now you’re worried your relationship will be frozen the way it was. But you mustn’t think that way. She loved you so much.” Lily leaned forward. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why didn’t you want me?” I asked quietly.

Lily’s face blanched. “I did! More than anything. I never wanted to stop being your mum. I would never have chosen that, I swear!”

“Then why didn’t you come for me?”

“I did. But by the time I found you, you already had a life without me. Kat was your mum. I didn’t want to upset that. I had been so selfish, made so many wrong choices, but I wanted to do what was best for you. Kat gave you structure, and I gave you laughter and fun. You got the best of both of us.” She reached out to touch my cheek. “Sometimes things happen and you can’t go back and do them over. You can’t change them. All you can do is keep moving forward.”

I met Jacob’s eyes. He had said the same words not too long ago. He gave me a sad little smile.

“You turned into a wonderful, resilient young woman. Watching you grow up, being your friend instead of your mum, it’s been hard, but it worked out. Right?” She was pleading with me, her eyes hot on mine.

For a moment I didn’t know what to say. My words now would dictate our future relationship.

I thought of Mom taking me from London to keep me safe, and me running away from my past, giving up my daughter to a better life. I thought of David, who’d decided to let me go, and Charlotte, who’d kept her baby.