A Terrible Fall of Angels (Zaniel Havelock #1)(88)
“Then Bachiel was right, no one back then could have helped you.”
Jamie pushed the chair back and stood up. “Why are you defending him? If he is as strong a telepath as he claims, he knew what I was hearing, knew what drove me insane. If he’d just told the doctors that it was telepathy stuck on and too loud, maybe they could have helped me?”
I stood up, too. “They tried, but the only thing that helped was to drug you out of your mind. Your eyes were open, but it was like you weren’t there. They couldn’t keep you on the dosage that made everything quiet, because it made all of you quiet. You stared at the wall, or at nothing, for hours. I’d never felt so helpless in my life.”
“I don’t remember any of that,” he said.
“The drugs wouldn’t let you remember. They wouldn’t let you do anything.”
He shook his head. “Someone should have been powerful enough to figure this out sooner, Z.”
“I don’t know why they couldn’t help you more, Jamie.”
He screamed, “That is not my name!” His hands were in fists at his sides. He was so angry he was shaking.
“Levi,” I said, my voice as calm as I could make it, “Levi, I don’t know why the College failed you.”
“I’m sorry, Z, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” His voice was calmer, but he was still shaking.
“It’s okay, Levi.”
“I should go.”
“Let me drive you,” I said.
“You mean you want to see if I’m lying, or hallucinating Emma and the shop. You want to see if I’m still homeless.” A look slid through his eyes that I didn’t like at all; it was that sly, almost evil look. It always seemed like it was someone else looking out of Jamie’s eyes. It was there for a moment and then he was back, blinking gentle brown eyes at me. “I don’t know why I said that, Z.”
“I believe you about Emma and the rest, because I can see the change in you.”
“I know you believe me, Z.”
“I’d like to meet the person who helped you and see the shop. I’d really like to talk to them about how they helped you in more detail, because if the masters at the College messed up with you this badly, then are there others that we could find and help?”
Jamie looked up at me. “I hadn’t thought about that. I’ve just been so happy that I was back to myself that I never thought about others. It’s like I’ve been trapped in their prayers and pain so long, I just want to concentrate on me.” He got that look on his face that he’d had from the moment I knew him at seven, so sincere, so worried. “Is that bad of me, Z?”
“No, no, if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I said, but I hugged him so he couldn’t see my face, because I worried about the same kind of thing. I was a detective. One of the things that Reggie had hated was that sometimes I couldn’t get a case out of my head. I’d tried to explain that people could die, or murderers could get away, or victims might never be found, or Heaven and Hell could go to war again and destroy the world and everything and everyone on it. When I’d said that last, she’d gotten the angriest of all, because she said, “So I’m a selfish bitch to want my husband’s full attention, because it could cause the apocalypse? No pressure there.”
I hugged Jamie a little harder, because he and Suriel were the first people that I thought would always be there for me. They’d been my family until I found Reggie and we had Connery.
Jamie pulled back from the hug to study my face. “What did you just think about, Z?”
I shook my head and stepped back, but he grabbed my arm. “Talk to me, Z, please. I’ve been missing for years, let me be here, really be here for you and for me again.”
My eyes felt hot, damn it I was not going to let him see me cry, but my throat was too tight with grief to speak. God help me, God help us both.
“Z, please, talk to me.”
The first hard tear trailed down my face. I pulled away and went to the kitchen with my back to him. “Let’s do more tea and then you can call Emma or let me drive you.” My voice was neutral, but the first tear had been joined by more. I’d learned to cry without letting it show in my voice or face years ago. Men didn’t cry, especially in the military, or on the force. Hell, soldiers and cops of either sex weren’t supposed to cry. We were supposed to be strong, and tears weren’t strong, but more than that I didn’t want to explain the tears to Jamie. I was afraid that it would trigger something in him that would undo all the progress that he’d made. It was a miracle that he was standing here with me. I didn’t want to spoil it by being weak and human.
I knew he was behind me before he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me from behind. I startled, stiffening in the embrace, because I’d been too long in the outside world where men didn’t do this. I’d almost forgotten that there had been a time in my life when I hadn’t thought anything about it. The College of Angels taught that male and female didn’t matter, that we were all one, and affection was innocent like small children. I’d believed that until I was about fifteen. Suriel had already started to pull away from casual physical affection, but Jamie never had. He’d come to us for cuddling like we were all still seven years old huddling in little homesick puppy piles.