You Asked for Perfect(51)

Her voice softens. “Why’d you do it? What’s going on, Ariel? I’ve been worried about you since Yom Kippur.”

I bite the inside of my cheek as lies run through my head. No. The truth is better. I clench my fists, then unfurl my fingers and show them to Malka. “This is why.”

“Whoa,” she breathes out. My skin is covered in blisters and calluses. There are three Band-Aids on particularly bad spots. It actually looks better, at least compared to last week. I haven’t had the drive to keep practicing as much for my solo.

“Dr. Whitmore wasn’t happy with my solo performance, so she’s having me play it against Pari. And if Pari plays better, I’ll lose first chair. I couldn’t keep practicing for it and the band. And it’s not just that—it’s my grades, too. Every time I pull up one, another seems to slip. And if I can’t fix it, Harvard won’t accept me…” I look down. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Jesus,” she says, eyes on my blisters.

“Malka.” I tsk. “We’re in a synagogue. Jesus isn’t involved.”

She snorts, and I grin, and some of the awkwardness between us eases.

“I don’t understand, though,” Malka says. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I—” I pause. “I was embarrassed. Ashamed, I guess. I’m supposed to have it all together, but I was falling apart. I figured if I worked hard enough, I could secure first chair and pull my grades back up, and everything would be okay. But then I wasn’t sleeping enough, and Yom Kippur…”

Malka inhales. “You really scared me, Ariel. All of this scares me. You’re endangering yourself, and you endangered me, too.”

I swallow hard. “Shit. I’m sorry.” Pressure builds behind my eyes. “I’m never going to do that again. You have to believe me. I’m done pushing like that. Look what it did to Rachel. If she keeps at it, this school stuff could—” I rub my eyes. “I don’t want to think about what could happen.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” She wraps an arm around my shoulder and leans in. “How can I help?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I want to not care. I know Harvard isn’t the only place I can get a good education. There are a lot of great colleges. But I can’t stop trying altogether, can I? After all of this?”

“I don’t think it’s an all-or-nothing situation. What about dropping a class? I’m sure you don’t need all those APs to graduate.”

“Actually, my guidance counselor mentioned that. But it’d be a withdrawal on my transcript. Ugh.” I put my face in my hands. “Maybe I need to think about it. I can’t do this to myself. I know that. I can’t do this to Rachel.”

“We’ll figure it out. I promise. You have me, you have the rabbi, you have Sook—” She falters.

“What about you?” I glance at Rabbi Solomon’s door. “Why are you here?”

Malka tugs on the sleeve of her shirt. “I come sometimes. I started a few weeks ago because I was struggling with the whole being an adult in college thing.”

“Wait, what?”

“I was driving back here all the time. While everyone else was out sneaking into bars on weekends, I was back in the suburbs with my high school friends. I felt like a loser, like I was failing college life.”

“But you aren’t a loser! You’re our cool, older friend.”

She laughs. “Thanks, Ariel. I like some campus stuff. Classes and the Chabad events have been cool, but I also like chilling here. At college, it’s like I always have to try and be someone. Here, I’m Malka.”

“Is it getting any better?”

“Yeah, I’ve stopped putting as much pressure on myself to, like, do college right. And Rasha and I have become pretty close. She said she went through some similar stuff when she decided to live at home. Now, she’s at peace with it.”

I nod. “That’s good.” I nudge her, tucking my head to her shoulder for a few seconds. “I’m sorry you were going through that, but I’m glad you’re doing better. You could’ve talked to me about it.”

“Yeah, and you could’ve talked to me about school.”

We both grin.

“We’ll have to do better,” Malka says.

“Agreed.” I gnaw the side of my nail. “So, uh, how did the show go?”

Malka gasps. “Holy shit! No one told you, did they?”

“Told me what?”

“Well, no agent showed.” Relief floods through me. I didn’t ruin their chance after all. God, I’m lucky. “But Clarissa was there and mentioned she’s playing in a showcase tomorrow at the Georgia Theater in Athens, and one of the bands canceled at the last minute. She put in a word, and we got the slot! And there might be multiple agents attending. Sook is freaking out. We’ve been practicing nonstop.”

“Dude, that’s amazing! That’s everything.” It’s a huge moment. A huge moment my best friend didn’t tell me about. My heart drops. “I’m so happy for you. Seriously. Y’all will be amazing. Is there… Do you need me to…”

Malka grimaces. “Sook is already writing the violin out of the songs. But you could come watch. She’s too stubborn to say it, but I know she misses you.”