Worth Saving(70)

“So, first things first, we need to be completely honest with each other, okay? When I ask how you’re doing and how you’re feeling about your time in the desert, you have to tell me when you’re still having issues, because I’m not with you at night, and I’m not in your head, so I can only evaluate what you tell me. I have to be able to trust that you’re telling me the truth, otherwise, I can’t help you.

“Secondly, I have to inform you that your incident has grabbed the attention of the board of doctors here, and you’re being recommended for further evaluation at the downtown VA. You’ll still come see me once a week, but you’re going to start going to see a psychiatrist at the VA as well, starting next week. Okay?”

Great. Another person I have to explain my whole life story to. Fan-f*cking-tastic.

“Your PTSD is a serious issue,” Major Nelson continues, “maybe even a little more serious than we originally thought, but now that we know that, it’s important we keep you away from flying until we get that resolved, okay? And we will, Captain Sloan. We’re going to get it resolved. I need you to believe that. Do you believe that?”

“Sure. Yeah, I believe you, Major,” I answer. What other choice do I have but to say yes?

“Okay, now let’s get into the things you can control.” Major Nelson jots down something on his notepad, and then refocuses his attention on me. “So, based on your evaluations over our previous sessions together, I think the situation with Layla is having a major impact on you. Last week, and every week before this one, has been very positive. Now, however, things have changed. Have you spoken to Layla since you saw her at the club?”

“Yeah, she came by my house the next day to try to explain, but I didn’t really want to hear it.”

“So you didn’t give her a chance to explain?”

“Well, I did, but . . . shit, I don’t know.”

“Her explanation wasn’t good enough to you?”

“No, it wasn’t. I knew all about her past and how messed up her childhood was, and all that, but four years after she moved out of her pig-of-a-father’s house, she was still working as a prostitute. Somewhere deep down, she had to enjoy it on some level.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because she did it for so long!” I snap. I feel frustrated because it’s like he’s trying not to see it my way on purpose.

“Look, I understand how it might seem that way from the outside looking in, but maybe she didn’t have any other choice. Have you thought of that?”

“Well, that’s kind of what she was trying to say. I just . . . I was falling for this girl, Major Nelson, so to see her in there dressed all slutty was too much. I just couldn’t handle it. This whole time, I thought she wouldn’t sleep with me because of her father. I thought his abuse and trying to touch her messed her up. I thought she was broken, and it was me that was gonna fix her, but it turned out different. I thought she needed me to save her. I just . . . I don’t know, man.”

“So, after everything you know about Layla and her childhood, you think she’s not broken?”

I close my eyes and rub my temples with my thumb and middle finger.

“Well, when you put it that way . . . I don’t know.”

“What about you, Captain? Were you sexually active before you met Layla?”

I open my eyes and look up at the major, who glares at me, his stupid chin pointed right at me. I can see what he’s trying to do. I see where this is going.

“Yes, I was sexually active before I met her, but nobody paid me.”

“So, you openly had sex with random women for free? Did you have a childhood that was unbearable to you, to the point that you had to run away from your abusive father who tried to sexually abuse you?”

“Okay, okay. I get it, Major. Point taken. But, she still lied to me about it. She still hid all of this from me, and I had to find out by complete accident, and I was caught off guard, and it still f*cking hurts, okay?”

“I understand,” he says as he tosses the notepad on the floor. “But I also understand that your progress with your PTSD seemed to coincide with the progress you were making in your relationship with Layla. Now, it could be a coincidence that you had a panic attack right after your breakup with her, but something tells me it’s not. Your breakup isn’t the cause of the hallucination, but I don’t think it helped your mental state any.”

I let out a loud sigh as I realize he’s right, but I try not to admit it. I don’t want him to be right. I’m still mad about everything. I’m still upset, and I don’t feel ready to get over it yet.

“Look, the point is this, Austin,” he continues. “Layla trusted you enough to tell you about her hard childhood—the kind of childhood that messes people up their entire lives—and you know you’re not exactly a saint, even though you didn’t have a difficult upbringing. So, who are you to scold her about something you could never begin to relate to? Who are you to judge her, especially when she trusted you enough to confide in you?

“People make mistakes, Captain Sloan. They lie. Everybody does. But the important question is, can you forgive? Can you do your best to understand her plight, and forgive her? And the answer to that question determines the kind of person that you are, not the kind of person she is. Now, I’m only on the outside looking in, but from where I’m sitting, you might want to give this a ton of thought before you just end it. Because, maybe Layla wasn’t the one who needed saving after all.”